"It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" 
#117032
15 y
2,112
† Cross †
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Advertisement
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solution
Hi, I don't know where to start. I fell in love with a man while I was married, because my husband stopped sleeping with me once we got married and I was extremely frustrated.(I don't want to discuss his problems...that's a whole other story). This other man and I dated for 7 years and we were both deeply in love. We both felt like we were a great match and were the very best of friends. He wanted to marry me and even moved to the city I lived to be with me. But he would break up with me every once in awhile, because he was so frustrated that I would not leave my husband. I wouldn't leave my husband because my friend(lover) and I didn't have enough money between the two of us to make it work. Women are practical. He was starting out in a new career(a medical professional), but his finances were not good.
Fast forward...After 7 years of frustration on his part, he finally left me and started dating another woman about a year and a half ago. I was devastated and tried to get him back to no avail. He was truly hurt and I was devastated. After he was dating this woman about 6 months I found out that my husband had cancer. It was the type that we thought would probably go into remission and he could live quite awhile, but this did not happen and he has died recently.
So what was my best friend and lover is still dating this woman. He sort of gave up on me. She and I are very different. I have been told by several people that I am much warmer than her, that she can be cold at times. He has even said that to me in the past. She is 55 years old and has never been married or lived with someone. Over this year and a half their relationship has been on her terms. She only lets him come over to her house when she feels like it and hasn't spent as much time with him as he would like. In their first year of dating, he wanted to move in with her and she said no.
I know he is waiting to see if they might work out. But I also know that he feels like they probably are not as good of a match as we were. He's wanted to be friends with me throughout the past year and a half, but I haven't let him be as much as he would have liked, because I am still in love with him and it is really hard on me.
Since my husband has died, he has come over to my house twice to see me(as friends). He has recently told me he has a deep love for me and when he sees me he wants to give me everything he has. The feelings for me all came back when I saw him. He wants to still see me(as friends) and talk with me, but I told him it was too hard on me since he is involved with someone else!
He and I are both extroverts and fun loving, she is conservative and more of an introvert. I know he wants to live with a woman, and with me he would have this.
The sad thing is the money situation would be fine now since my husband's death. I truly believe he and I were better friends and partners than he and she are. He has even said that he doesn't know where he would find a better match than me, but he just got tired of all of the turmoil with my marriage. That would all be gone now, but I don't think he has forgotten about it. Now he has a partner that sort of keeps him at arm's length.
I am not letting him see me because it hurts me. I am not calling him. The other day I told him how I felt. He said there was so much going back and forth between us(he stayed in there so long) that he got tired and that things were different now, but things between he and she were not set in stone. But that is when he also said that he has a deep love for me and that we are a good match and everytime he sees me he wants to give me everyone thing he has!!
So what do I do??? Should I let him see me or not? Should I encourage him to call? Or should I have no contact with him until he figures out this relationship with this other woman?
I need help!
More
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" BlueRose
15 y
2,140
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,540,973Since you asked, I will comment. (BTW, thank you for the nice PM.)
Well...of course he gave up on you. You wouldn't leave your husband and, no doubt, this looked like to your lover, that you were stringing him along.
I'm sorry but I'll be blunt here --- It was very troubling to read that you continued to stay with your husband, all the while cheating on him with your lover. Quite frankly, using the excuse of not "enough money" as to why you didn't leave your husband, is appalling. If the marriage wasn't working, then leaving your husband would have been the kindest thing you could have done. Merely staying with him for financial reasons, was wrong. If you and your lover both had jobs, you could have made it work. However, what I'm getting is that it meant that you wouldn't have the same material comforts that your husband was providing for you. IMO, if you really wanted to be with your lover, you would have divorced your husband. If you love someone, then you make it work, even if there isn't much money. My husband and I were both working minimum wage jobs when we married. I grew up in a middle class home, so, yes, I wasn't living the way I was accustomed to but we made it work. We knew that at some point, things would get better and they did.
I gather from what you write that if your lover is now with a 55 year old woman, that you are around the same age. I'm guessing that even though he has feelings for you, after seven years, he was beginning to feel like he was being strung along. If the situation was reversed, and it was you being strung along, I'm sure you would have reached the point of saying enough is enough. It's easier to come to this point when you are middle aged. You get to a point where you realize that you're not getting younger and don't have the luxury of waiting around seven years.
All that said, I'm sorry for your husband's illness and passing. You did stay with him and care for him when he was ill, which was the right thing to do.
Now you're free and he isn't. Perhaps he is reluctant to break up with the other woman because he is reminded of the years you strung him along. Who knows? Maybe he feels some guilt for the role he played in all of this. Perhaps he also wonders if you would cheat on him if you got bored with the relationship.
Since you asked, I think you should just sever ties with him. Chalk it up to being a life lesson learned, then move on. If at some point, he is free again and you wish to rekindle the relationship, then take it from there. In the meantime, get on with your life and be sure that the next man you get involved with has no attachments to another woman.
More
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" nashville lady
15 y
2,155
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,541,085Advertisement
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solution
Hi, Thanks for responding. We really couldn't get together because he was $150,000 in debt at the age of 55 because he went back to school at the age of 50. I didn't have a job because my husband basically forbade me to work. It was very complicated circumstances and I didn't think we could have made it financially.
He knows I wouldn't cheat on him. I didn't even sleep with my husband over those seven years because he was not interested in sex, but wouldn't divorce me. Have you ever been in that situation? He had the finances worked out so that I wouldn't get anything. I was truly stuck.
It was my lover that would break up with me occasionally, start seeing someone else for a very short time and that wouldn't work because most women want a man with some financial stability at that age. He is now 59 and in the same situation even though he is a medical professional.
Most women aren't able to overlook that and want some financial stability from their spouse at that age. Or they at least want a man that is not financially unstable. I am finally in the position to overlook that.
Yes, I did care for my husband every day during his illness. It broke my heart that he died.
I just thought that because both of us are approaching the latter years of our life(I am 59 also), that we would want to be with a partner that we are well matched with. And yes, I do think he got tired of the situation. But it wasn't my fault he was in such bad financial straits at his age. I was waiting for 7 years also for it to work out, hoping his finances would get better.
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" BlueRose
15 y
2,259
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,541,132Glad you filled in some more detail. However, if you had initiated divorce proceedings and got a good lawyer, you wouldn't have walked away from the marriage penniless. It sounds like your late husband was very controlling. I'm actually surprised that he didn't find out about the affair. I ask this rhetorically --- how were you able to get away from him to have an affair? If you were able to do that without him knowing, well, I don't know...but couldn't you have worked? You could have done some temp work here and there...?
As for financial stability, I see what you're saying. However, after reading many sad stories during this bad recession, I do know that people who thought they were financially stable and set for life have ended up with diminished investments. They now find themselves having to work at a time in their lives when they thought they would be comfortably retired. So...with that in mind, I say don't take good finances for granted. All it takes is a job loss or a serious illness to cause a major setback.
I guess the point I'm making is that we never know what twists and turns life will take. If he was the one you loved, you would have found a way to make it together. Yes, it's stressful when money is a problem but if you have a strong relationship, you do make it all work. You say you also were waiting seven years for him to straighten out his finances. However, IMO, you really had two choices here --- 1) divorce your husband then be with your lover; or 2) end the affair and lived with the situation with your husband such as it is. Again, a good divorce lawyer would have made sure you got a fair settlement---especially if you had ended the affair. You put yourself in a bad spot when you started the affair---it would have been hard to make a clean break. No doubt your husband would have hired a good lawyer, too, and it would have come out that you were having an affair...
Well...my two cents...good luck with whatever you decide to do. Money is important, to be sure but one can also learn to do without some things. Sex is an important component of any relationship but always remember---your lover could develop a health problem and be unable to perform. Are you willing to live with him if that happened? Are you willing to live with him with tight finances? Just some food for thought...
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" BlueRose
15 y
2,259
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" nashville lady
15 y
2,155
- it's not that complicated. John McCain 2008
14 y
2,116
This is a reply to # 1,540,973Advertisement
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solution
YOU ARE MAKING IT COMPLICATED BECAUSE OF THE GAMES YOU CONTINUE TO PLAY. I NOTICED HOW MANY TIMES YOU REFERENCED FINANCIAL STABILITY...i.e. "GIVE ME EVERYTHING HE HAS" NOTED MORE THAN ONCE AND THE WHOLE MONEY ANGLE. IF I TRULY LOVED SOMEONE, MONEY (OR LACK OF IT) WOULD BE THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES. I ALSO NOTICED YOUR INSISTENCE ON PUTTING DOWN THE OTHER WOMAN HE NOW SEES REGULARLY AS A LOVE INTEREST. YOU DID GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO PORTRAY HER AS A SHREW AND JUST NOT HIS TYPE. THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING GREAT ABOUT HER, RIGHT? WHY WOULD HE CHOOSE HER? HEY, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND DIDN'T TAKE IT. THAT'S REALITY. IT'S PRETTY CLEAR TO THIS PROFESSIONAL ADVICE GIVER THAT THE MAN YOU MARRIED WASN'T "THE ONE". YOU SETTLED. HE DIDN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY FOR MANY YEARS, IF TRUTH BE KNOWN, AND THUS YOU SOUGHT AFFECTIONS FROM A SOULMATE. WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT...YOU DIDN'T.
AND THIS IS GOING TO BE BRUTAL...BUT I GOTTA BE ME AND STATE COLD, HARD TRUTH THE WAY IT REALLY IS: I AM BETTING THAT YOU COULDN'T WAIT FOR THE CANCER TO "ALLOW" YOURSELF AN OPPORTUNITY AT TRUE LOVE. SUGAR-COAT IT ANYWAY YOU WANT, CALL ME A BASTARD FOR STATING IT OUT LOUD, YOU WOULD'VE LOVED WALKING INTO LOVERBOY'S ARMS "UNATTACHED". HEY, YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH THE OTHER GUY AND LOVING HIM ALL THE WHILE YOU WERE MARRIED TO A GUY WITH CANCER. NOW YOU WANT SYMPATHY? YOUR HUSBAND WOULD NOT SLEEP WITH YOU FOR WHATEVER REASON, AND THAT PROMPTED YOU TO LOOK...TO STRAY. AND STRAY YOU DID. WE ALL HAVE SKELETONS IN OUR CLOSETS, EVERY ONE OF US. SO DON'T THINK THAT EVERYBODY READING THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU OR THAT YOU'RE THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH TO DO SUCH A THING. I HAVE DONE THINGS I'M NOT TOO PROUD OF, AS WELL. WE ALL HAVE. BUT ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT. YOU BREAK IT DOWN, IT'S SIMPLE.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: HUSBAND AND YOU HAD PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE, YOU SEPARATE YOUR EMOTIONS FROM EACH OTHER, YOU ARE TEMPTED AND THEN ACT ON THAT, YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER, YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH HUSBAND, LOVER TIRES OF YOUR GAMES WITHIN THE "MARRIAGE", LOVER FINDS ANOTHER WHO SATISFIES HIS NEEDS, YOU GET JEALOUS AND ENVIOUS, HUSBAND DIES, NOW YOU HAVE NOBODY, LOVER HAS SOMEBODY. THAT'S IT. THOSE ARE THE CARDS DEALT.
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO COOL YOUR JETS, PUT THE BALL IN LOVERBOY'S COURT, AND LET HIM WORK THROUGH HIS FEELINGS FOR THE LADY (JUST LIKE HE LET YOU WITH YOUR HUBBY), AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. IF HE WANTS YOU, HE'LL COME BACK INTO YOUR LIFE. IF HE DOESN'T, HE WON'T. LET IT BE. LET IT BE... - Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" UserX 14 y 1,969
- Re: "It's really CoMpLiCaTeD!" BlueRose
15 y
2,140
Share:
Translate This Page: