Breaking up 
ellani
15 y
3,419
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Hi all, I am new here and looking for advice and support. I am 24 and have been in a relationship with my spouse for 9 years. We have lived together for 7 years and have a lot invested in each other. I want to keep it short so here it goes. I have "cheated" in the past 3 times the last being no more than a month ago. I quote cheated because I never did more than talk to an ex without telling him which isnt exactly honest but not cheating in my opinion though I would be equaly upset if he were doing the same. Anyhow I have reached a point in the relationship were I feel it has ran its course and it might be time to move on. I love him and would never want anything bad to happen to him but I am no longer physically attracted to him. I find myself thinking about him like a best friend and have no desire for anything more.
He on the other hand still seems to be crazy about me or atleast so he claims. He is 5 yrs older than me so he had time before we met to enjoy being free so he is content to come home from work and plop down in his pc chair and never leave it until he is ready for bed as long as I am sitting here with him but the minute I go out shopping or to hang out with my friends he is calling me non stop and freaking out. He has tried really hard to be sweet and make me fall for him again but I just cant do it then he gets mad, calls me everything he can think of and then tries to threaten me with him leaving. We both go to bed mad and the next morning he acts as ifeverything is ok.
So this is all just some background info. I know that the relationship is beyond repair or that maybe I am just done with it. As selfish as it seems I just want to be free for once in my life. I feel as if I went from being controlled by my parents to being controlled by him with no time in between to be myself and do want makes me happy. And while I know this is what I want I cant bring myself past the guilt of hurting him to break it off and when I finally got the courage to do so last night he blew upwent to sleep and is acting like nothing was ever said and now I am being called cold and uncompassionate because I am angry that he just blows off my opinions and decisions as of they are nothing.
As I said we live together and my parents also live here. All of his family lives 9 hours away so I cant just tell him to get out nor would I be so cold to do so. My guilt is holding me back from doing what I know is right. How can I get past this and stand my ground?
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- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
3,063
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This is a reply to # 1,480,024Advertisement
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Oh, wow! From reading your post, I'm gathering that you have been with him since you were 15 and he was 20? No 20-year old should be dating a 15 year old! IMO, your parents should have intervened. After all, you were still a minor at the time while he was considered to be an adult.
But that's all water under the bridge now. You call him your "spouse" --- I take it that you are now married to him? You don't mention children, so I also take it that there are no children involved?
If so, then I would say go ahead and end the marriage, if that's what you want. To be honest, if there are children involved, I would say work hard on keeping things together before giving up.
You're quite right in that you have had no time to be on your own and figure out what it is that you want in life. So, if you are very unhappy and are feeling trapped, then move on. Don't let guilt hold you back. Besides, why does it have to be him that moves out? Why don't you make plans to move out?
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- Re: Breaking up ellani
15 y
2,927
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
This is a reply to # 1,480,073I too look back on it and wonder why my parents allowed it but there is 9 yrs between them and it was never to be a perminent thing. They allowed him to move in cause he had no where else to go and he was suppose look for his own place and move out within a few monthes but that never happen.
We arent married and we have no kids other than our dogs. My dad is getting up there in age and for the most part I take care of him so moving out of here isnt really an option nor do I have the means to support myrself being and unemployed collage student. I am working on getting a job now and there is an extra bedroom in the house so I guess I am going to move in it for now.
I tried to talk to him again last night but everytime I spoke he would start talking to someone on the pc. I finally got his attention and told him everything but all he did was get mad and go to bed so I guess I just need to but my foot down, move out of the room, and get on with my life. Thanks for the info and support.
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- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
2,954
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You're welcome. I have to ask --- why did you also post this in the "Divorce Forum"? You're not legally married to him and are at the most, a common law wife.
Why do your parents tolerate his presence? Does he pay rent? Since it's not your house but your parents' house, have them tell him he needs to move out. Give him a deadline and if he hasn't moved by then, they will need to get tough. That may well involve putting his things out in the street.
This whole situation sounds untenable for so many reasons. Not only do you feel trapped in a relationship with him but you are still living in your parents' home. Plus you are attending school. If you are not attending school full-time, look for a part-time job and save up your money.
If your father is so ill that he needs someone with him nearly all day, it shouldn't fall solely on your shoulders to be caring for him. Look into getting some help such as a home health care aide. If you are in the US and your father is over 65, look into Medicare to help with the expenses, if money is a problem.
No wonder you feel like you never had a chance to be yourself. Not only did you get into this relationship at way too young an age but you are expected to care for your father, too. Please start taking steps to resolve both issues!- Re: Breaking up ellani
15 y
2,806
This is a reply to # 1,480,604My mom likes him alot and almost always takes his side the moment we disagree. She has come to love him like a son and even told him he could stay as long as he wanted and needed to so her kicking him out isnt likely to happen. No he doesnt pay rent but does help them with bills and stuff.
My dad isnt so sick that he needs constant care. He has heart issues and suffers with PTS from vietnam. Its not that I am forced to take care of him, more that he means alot to me and I just want to spend as much time as I can with him while I can. I go to school full time so theres no way I could make enough to live on my own but I am looking for a part time job to start saving.
I know these are situations that need resloved but I dont really know where to start to do so. This is my only serious relationship and I have never had to break up with someone so Im not sure how to go about it and not to mention the problem of me feeling instant guilt for hurting him. I wish he felt the way I felt and we could mutally agree to just be friends but I dont see that happening.- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
2,954
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So...how to proceed?
1) Since it is your parents' house and they want to keep him there, then there is nothing you can do about that. It sounds like he has a sweet deal --- doesn't have to pay rent only kicks in some money towards bills. IMO, your parents aren't doing him a favor in the sense that this type of arrangement will stunt his emotional growth. Why should he ever grow up and get his own apartment with this sweet deal in place?
So...
2) Sorry to say, it looks like you'll have to be the one to leave. Obviously, it won't be easy. The college you are going to --- does it have dorms or is it a commuter school? If it is the former, then look into some sort of grant or financial aid that will allow you to live on campus. If it is a commuter school, you will have to continue to live at home (if you insist on being a full-time student) and save your money so when you complete your education, you can move out.
3) As far as your Dad is concerned --- you can still visit your parents and lend them a hand. That's what families do for each other. As long as it doesn't take so much of your time that you feel you're spending every free moment helping them.
4) Breaking up with the BF --- I'm assuming you can have your own bedroom in the house? If so, you should be in it already. This will put some distance between you and him. When you're ready to move out, then just let him and your parents know that you --- and you alone --- are moving out. If BF feels bad and tries to lay a guilt trip on you, don't fall for it. Of course, breaking up is never easy no matter what the circumstances but it's better than being tied to a BF out of guilt. If he doesn't want an amicable break-up on friendly terms, there is nothing you can do about his feelings.
Finally, here's a thought --- can you go to school part-time and work full-time? That way you can get out of the house sooner. My husband took 9 years to get his degree. Some semesters he went to school full-time and worked part-time and others he worked full-time and went to school part-time. When he was a full-time student, he took advantage of loans (and the GI bill, which I realize you don't qualify for). As I said before, look for grants, loans and scholarships --- if you haven't already.
- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
2,954
- Re: Breaking up ellani
15 y
2,806
- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
2,954
- Re: Breaking up ellani
15 y
2,927
- Re: Breaking up BlueRose
15 y
3,063
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