Need good sound advise please. 
little blackbird
16 y
1,719
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Hi
This my first post here...I normally lurk around the Acne and Bowel Cleanse Forum .
I need some advise for a tricky situation I'm in. I'm having doubts about my fiance and I's relationship. I'm not entirely sure it is going to last. We have been together for four years. The first two were great we lived apart on and off but worked together, the last two have been somewhat strained and we now have a two year old son.
Ok so now here are the honest parts.. Since having my son I basically have pretty much lost all desire for sex! even kissing makes me squeemish! I can't even watch tv scenes with it in without feeling uncomfortable.
My partenr is really resentfull about it but I can't help it I've tried to normalise hormone function thinking it was an imbalance or something but that hasn't worked. I 'm harbouring a bit of anger and resentment myself..I work two jobs and look after our son the days in not at work. So I basically feel most of my life is spent doing stuf for other people.
The other things are a feel really restricted in what goals I want to reach in my life. Meaning there is never any time or money for me to concentrate on them! Though we have had to put a lot of things on hold so that my partner can realise his.
I really think that maybe we want different things, he has said he wants the same kind of lifestyle as me but we have to wait for it. Well I'm afraid that given his track record (severe procrastination) that we will be wasting our life waiting forever for it to happen and then that day won't ever come!
I'm really not sure what to do, I love his family and I know I f we separate they will be very sad and disappointed.
We are currently sleeping in separate bedrooms something that started when I was late shift working but then It just kinda stayed that way. Besides I can't stand being around his mess! it makes me so angry!
I'm sorry for the long post, I can't talk to anyone I know in person about this. I don't think anyone has a clue as to what's going on. My partner and I are not really talking to eachother at the moment because I didn't want to be intimate with him the other night and he has been angry ever since.
I think about moving out a lot...and taking my son. Have thought about shared custody etc.
If anyone could give some advise would be much appreciated. And also comments from those whi have been there before.
Thanks, feel quite sad.- Re: Need good sound advise please. InvalidInk
16 y
1,646
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,184,730Wow looks like you guys have a lot to work out. The only advise I can give you right now is from this comment you made:
"So I basically feel most of my life is spent doing stuf for other people."
Start meditating. Seriously. If you really value yourself you will take at least 10 minutes (some people suggest more but sometimes thats all it takes for me) a day that is truly purely nothing but yours. I like to do right before I go to sleep.
Check this place out if you wanna get started on it. It has seriously helped me out immensely
http://www.project-meditation.org/community/
- Re: Need good sound advise please. peggyaus
16 y
1,555
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,185,001Hi there,
You mentioned a key word, that being "resentment" which heralds a shift in the r'ship which is very hard to come back from.
I remember reading a book which describes these changes in a r'ship where a partner or both partners begin to feel resentment and contempt for each other because of an unresolved issue; yours being it seems that you feel you are doing too much and not getting enough assistance and support.
Here is the book if you are interested:
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414
Good luck.- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,631
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,185,037Hey Guys
Thank you both for your replies. I will check out those links later when I get some time. Yes I think I need to introduce some kind of meditation, for I can't change my environment but would very much like to try and work on my thoughts. I feel sad, angry, and let down all at once a lot of the time.
I will make sure I check out the book link as well. I have tried to broach the subject with my partner about equal time share and trying to verbalise our personal and professional goals with each other but he basically wasn't interested and spends a lot of time in front of the T.V. I had considered couples mediation but he's not motivated to just spend anytime going over most subjects so have given up on that idea. I will have a look at it though might be a helpful insight as to how I could modify my behaviour without going against how I feel.
Thanks again
Any other comments appreciated.
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
2,009
This is a reply to # 1,185,288I didn't see anything in your post regarding love, affection, or nurturing on his part. Sounds like you are getting nothing out of this at all but pain? If so, I would say any future would be more of the same. And if he isn't interested in "fixing" it, there is no other place to go in the relationship. (If nothing else, I might try to convince him that counseling may help bring back your sex drive - if he still can't be bothered, I'd have to say he seems entirely self-serving as he makes demands but gives nothing back? Only you know the answer to his contributions to your relationship).
You sound close to his family, which is nice...but don't put up with a nothing guy just for that. You'll still see them because you have a child in common...maybe you could move in with them!
Regarding shared custody...you might want to check out your legal options. If he doesn't want to raise the child, he can't be forced to in most states, but he MUST pay child support if the custody isn't divided equally....don't know how this may impact you. Some fathers choose equal custody to avoid paying, then dump the kid on his own Mom, though that might not be bad for the child given your approval of his family.
Here's a scary thought...if he's as cold and selfish as described, your son will grow up with that as a role model. Not to mention continuing misery for you.
Good luck. It's a very important decision. Given your descr*iption of the situation, I can't see anything in this for you and your child. And relationships rarely improve with time without intervention of some kind with two willing partners.
- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,540
This is a reply to # 1,185,850Hi Gilda
Thank you for your response.
I did think about your message and I agree that I'm not getting from the relationship what it is I need and want. Though nor is my partner in all fairness. I am partly to blame I know due to the lack of intimacy. After the birth of my son, at first I thought it was because I was tired and breastfeeding (breastfeed for a year) but after he was weaned I still didn't have the normal "urges" you'd expect from a person of my age to have. I had also torn during labour and due to some er umm different sewing techniques by my midwife the area is still tender even now if pushed against. Sorry TMI! But I felt I did need to explain that side of it. Though otherwise I am In my opinion pretty normal. I do all the other domestic duties normally expected of one plus work two jobs.
I have thought if my sexual function was normal all this would go away but now I think maybe not.
I'm sorry for the ramble... I am feeling somewhat creatively stifled and I think it has changed how I am, though Its not the way I envisioned myself being and it makes me sad.
I did try some positive affirmations and deep breathing this morning and felt a lot calmer today though the day was filled with an inner argument with myself on what the best move would be for me and my son. I'm still not sure if my expectations are too high?? Is it wrong to want more for your life? I always feel like I'm waiting for my turn. I had always hoped to do some kind of study in nutrition or natural medicine but there's never time or money for that kind of thing. (sorry getting off subject)
I know my partner will be a good daddy to our son, he has stepped up more somewhat the last few days. Maybe he has picked up on something?. I also think he may even spend more quality time with our son if we shared custody, might help him realise that moments are precious.
Sorry again for the extra long post. It does help to get a lot of it out of my head though.
Thanks all...- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,982
This is a reply to # 1,185,899It's easy to get your hormones tested if you think that's the problem. And if he doesn't understand all you're going through, that isn't a good sign. It's pretty selfish to insist on sex under the circumstances.
Sometimes we want something so badly (a good man who is a good father) that we cling to the slightest hope. You need to be as objective as possible regarding his true contribution to the relationship. Your statement that you do all the "domestic duties expected" of you (plus 2 jobs) is a little overwhelming.
How many jobs does he work? How much child care does he put in? houeshold chores? More importantly, how much support does he give you as a wife and mother and human being? Thinking that shared custody will open his eyes is kind of wishful thinking, especially if he ends up leaving it to his mom, as many do. Selfish people - if he is - don't generally wake up so easily; they just go on finding ways to make things easier for themselves.
The answers to the above questions should give you a fair idea.
Regarding being stifled in your aspirations, having a baby will do that for a long, long time. Perhaps his wonderful family can help out more? If not....sometimes it has to be choice of one or the other. Despite the hype, you can't do it all without significant help.- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
2,054
This is a reply to # 1,186,014There is another caution I feel compelled to mention to you....many women in your situation of being unmarried with a child has worked against them legally. I personally have no moral position on this, but the law does have significant advantages for wives, as opposed to gf's, who generally have zero rights and benefits.
I mention this because I have seen quite a few women who spent 10 years or more living with a guy, bearing his children and suddenly found themselves destitute, having little education because they had to raise the child and work 2 maybe-going-nowhere jobs while fulfilling their "domestic duties" ...I'm still wondering what HIS domestic duties are?
Suddenly they find they can't track down the ex for child support and can't support themselves AND pay for child care while working at X number of low-paying jobs. Meanwhile he still makes the most money (Women STILL earn 70 cents on the dollar compared to men). He won't be liable for spousal support no matter how dire your position. And community property to split will be nil, as there is no "community" without a marriage. Any assets (such as a house, pension/savings plans) you BOTH work for may end up in his name only as he probably makes the most $, and he will KEEP them.
So imagine hanging on in misery for 10, 15, 20 years and finally deciding you can't take anymore...and getting nothing to help you out. If you choose to spend the time thinking about it but not doing anything...marriage offers some financial protection.
Sure, you're young now and maybe can't picture life in 10 years...but now you have much to protect; your child and the one who will be most responsible for him...YOU.
Just something to think about. Many have screwed themselves by putting up with crap for too long, then finding their lives wasted and poor. Have you a supportive family you can depend on?- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,664
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,186,262Hello Gilda
Thank you for your points and concerns mentioned. I do agree those women who find themselves in that situation is most unfortunate. I think I may have neglected to mention that my partner is several years older than me and is financially secure in his own right. I also do have assets of my own which for some reason or another we have kept separate. I do have a supportive family and if things got to a point where I needed help they would be there for me.
So thank you for your input, I will take everything that was offered and be certain to think on the matters at hand.
Thanks everyone.- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,925
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,187,397" I also do have assets of my own which for some reason or another we have kept separate. " Some reason?
Smart move! Especially with a well-off partner who doesn't want to join finances by getting married (I'd bet his are more than yours). Perhaps you can use your assets to get more education while he watches the child. Or just save it for any future separation from Mr. finacially secure.
Good luck.- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,992
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,187,576I don't mean to sound negative, but -according to your posts- he seems to be contributing very little.
In a nutshell: an older, financially secure man who wants a younger woman (and a apparently a child) but doesn't want to marry her or share assets? Beware. Many of these older men NEED younger women because they are easier to control, especially tied down with a child. And maybe the younger woman is insecure about herself and needs a daddy figure.
A more experienced woman is much less likely to allow herself to be put in such a manipulated position. Nor leave herself open for financial woes to please a man. On top of that, you seem completely miserable with absolutely nothing positive to say about him except a vague reference to MAYBE stepping up to the plate...how?
And why are you working 2 jobs and doing all the domestic duties if you both are financially secure?
I'm sorry, but I believe your feelings are well-founded. Your little voice is telling you something is wrong. You're not getting what you need for a reason. All he's missing is all the sex he desires! Someday he may tell you he found someone you will give him all the sex he wants and guess what? You will blame YOURSELF again! That's the beauty of a younger woman..it's easy to make her feel guilty and responsible for every problem because she doesn't yet have enough sense of self to stand up for herself.
Frankly, I'm not surprised that the idea of sex makes you sick. If not hormones, it must be a reflection of how your subconcious is reacting to him.- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,609
This is a reply to # 1,187,626Hello Gilda
I have a shared property title with another party which is currently rented. Though does still cost me money to have it. I went into this endeavor before getting together with my partner. It is currently fixed so I can't draw on any money to borrow. I had thought about that route. I work two jobs both two days each a week. The reason being, before I left my old job because I fell pregnant I was on a pretty good wage. But after having my son and returning to the work force part time I had to seek another job and the pay is pretty miserable. So that is why I have two and as well because there is no one available to look after my son at the moment so I am currently waiting for an opening in a child care facility to open up and then hopefully will be able to work an extra day.
I'm just going to sit on this for a while, I need to be sure it is the right thing to do and also be smart about how I go about it should I go ahead with anything.
Thank you for your help.
Much appreciated.- Good Luck, Hon! (eom) gilda 16 y 1,761
- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,609
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,992
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,925
- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,664
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
2,054
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
1,982
- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,540
- Re: Need good sound advise please. gilda
16 y
2,009
- Re: Need good sound advise please. little blackbird
16 y
1,631
- Re: Need good sound advise please. peggyaus
16 y
1,555
- Re: Need good sound advise please. InvalidInk
16 y
1,646
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