Kittkatt,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. From an outside perspective it sounds like the relationship is heading into some unhealthy waters. I can only imagine the stress it must be adding to your life right now. Grief, letting go, can take a lot out of a person and then to heap on anothers issues (addiction, depression) can be overwhelming. It may be that this relationship is better spent as friends and you are being clued into that now.

This sounds like a time where you need to be around nurturing, healthy environments and not a toxic diversion from your own pain. Do you go to counseling or have a set place just for you and your needs? This has really helped me in the past and I used to swear I would never go to a 'stranger'~ a counselor, because I'm a private person. It helps to let feelings out though in a non-judgemental atmosphere. You don't have to choose the first person you call up either. Do you like walks, reading? Sometimes taking a new class to get yourself out there and in a place that shares your interests helps.

Remember you are not alone! It is okay to say no and move on from this situation. You know deep down if this is something to continue or not, trust yourself. And remember to take deep breaths...the anxiety is trying to tell you something.

Best wishes to you as you heal.

Obviously it will be painful but you already
know the answer to whether you *should* leave
this relationship. Especially at your age, and
I say this also as someone who is past the
half century mark, it is even more crucial that
you recognize when you are not supporting your
needs and saying YES to you. This does not mean
that you always say no to others, but that
when you ask yourself, "do I feel good", the
answer is yes. If the answer is not yes, I
remind myself that I want to feel good and if
the direction I am going is not taking me there,
then it is time to change direction.

I am in a relationship now that is satisfying
and supportive and all that good stuff and I
found it only after leaving one which I kept
telling myself, well, if I won the lottery and
developed the patience of Job, this man would
be the man of my dreams. While many aspects
of the relationship were satisfying, the ones
which weren't kept me looking at the end of my
rope I found myself constantly holding and once
I really integrated I was spending a lot of
time doing that, I let go. It was hard and I
still wince to think of him pounding on my door
and professing all the things I wanted to hear
and yet, I told him, this is not good for me
and I am no longer available to be in a relationship
with you. I survived, HE survived, and while there
was a period of grieving, I have no regrets and
am even happier that I made the choice to say
YES to me and become available to relationships
which I would not have found allowing the issues
which were as thorns in my paw to become more
deeply embedded.

I agree with the other poster that if you feel
overwhelmed, that counseling is an effective way
to reach out and grab a hand and allow someone
else to help mirror your current reality to you.
You have probably not even allowed yourself to
grieve fully the loss of your mother and the stress
of your father's relationship with you shifting
from being a caregiver to one of needing to be
cared for. Your own self-nurturing may require
some creativity and personal courage as it is
so often very difficult to leave one's comfort
zone even when it is one of pain AND pleasure.
It is your own process of maturing and growing
though and I suspect with what you have gone
through already, you do have the strength to
see yourself through this.

I wish you success on your healing path and
would encourage you to take care of yourself
now for a while. Once you love yourself the way
you wish others would, they will. You will be
able to find the peace you need. Also, there are
many people out there available for relationships
which are meaningful and less dramatic or drug
and anger-laced. Remind yourself daily if not
hourly, "I want to feel GOOD"~~!

best wishes,
Zoe

-_-

You're right; bf is extremely controlling. The car rally episode seems to indicate this more than ever. He wants to see you jump at his beck-and-call. It doesn't sound like he has a nurturing bone in his body.

You deserve better. A loving friend would be more beneficial than someone who makes you feel so badly. Give yourself time to adjust to your mother's death, although it IS hard to be alone.

Perhaps a grief counselor/group may help? Good luck.