was i actually raped? 
insecureme
16 y
3,499
† Cross †
I have never, ever told this to anyone, I feel very ashamed, therefore this is the first time ever I talk about this with anyone, I haven't been able to tell my therapists in the past.
Firstly, I want to make sure that what happened to me was rape...
I'm a 47 years old woman, I was born in Cuba, came to the US when I was 18.... when I was 16 years old, still in Cuba, I went on a date with a guy who was 23 or 23 years old.... I don't remember exactly... he was a medical student at the time, I was a high school drop out... I just had gotten divorced, I got married at the age of 15 and it didn't last... in Cuba, if your parents sign, you can get married at any age... also, and there is no statutory rape laws, so a "minor" can have sexual relations with an "adult" and it's ok by the law...
After I came to the US, my life has changed gradually, for the better..and for that I'm grateful...
We went on a date where we met at a bar which was located inside a hotel, I got there, he was there, we sat at a table , had a couple of drinks, listened to music, kissed, I was on the rebound and still in love with my ex-husband, I was inexperienced in so many levels, I had low self esteem, still do...I was so lost... I was hurting.. he told me that he had rented a room in the hotel and asked me if I wanted to go there for a little while, I said yes...I know I shouldn't have, but I did... we went in, sat on the bed, started kissing and sort of making out, still my clothes on, within a minute or two, the lights went on and I saw 2 guys coming out of the closet that was in the room and another guy coming out of the bathroom, I panicked...I asked my date what was going on, he didn't answer, he just continued forcing himself to me.... the other guys joined in and started touching me, took their clothes off, my date did the same, one of the guys was holding my arms and my date proceeded to have intercourse, I was crying and asking them to stop, they didn't.... then they took turns, and the other guys had intercourse with me as well, one after the other, sometimes, one was doing that, while I had to perform oral sex on another guy, the more I cried, the more irritated they got and they slapped me and punched a few times.... that went on for , I don't know.... a couple of hours...then one of the guys left and brought a girl who freaked out when she saw what was going on and they started doing it to her too, she was crying and helpless and obviously suffering, but we didn't say anything to each other, I begged and begged for them to let me go, at one point I thought they may kill me or something, because they may be afraid that I'd say something, but that wasn't the case...they really didn't care... they finally let me go, that hotel was very far from my house and I had to take a taxi to get home, my clothes were sort of ripped and I have bruises in my face, arms... I was so grateful that I made it home...my mom was awake and asked me what happened to me, but I was so ashamed that I didn't say the truth, I just told her that I was robbed and they had hit me... she believed me... I found out a few days later that these guys told everyone, this was a small town, and actually, everybody thought it was my fault and they humilliated me many times, my reputation was ruined there forever..thankfully, I came to the US a few years later and started a new life...
I don't know who the other guys were by names, but I've seen a couple of them, being that it was a small town, there were no consequences for them, even if I had taken it to the police, I don't believe there are laws there for this situations, plus I was ashamed and thought that it was indeed my fault, had I been more mature and responsible and not go into the room, this would've never happened to me, I thought I behaved like a slut and I deserved what happened and I didn't want my mother to find out, my dad had passed away there when I was 15....
My "date" at that time lives in Venezuala now, I know it thorugh a neighbor that I had in Cuba that lives in Venezuela now and lives close to him.... he is married has teenage kids and is doing just fine.
I have always felt horrible about this, I resent this man, and the others, and him even more, because I feel like he betrayed me, I wish I could do something about it, but more than likely, there is nothing I can do legally... this has been a secret in my life that has affected me always, I feel worthless.. I'm married now, my husand doesn't know it, my daughters either, I'm so protective of them, I'm always thinking, what about if something similar happens to them? I don't trust anybody...I'm so insecure...
And one important thing is, was I raped? or was that some type of orgy that those guys had with me and I just put myself in that situation? should I take responsability for what happened to me? do these guys should've been brought to justice? basically I'm not sure if this was actually rape or not... please give me your opinion, legally, do you think is there anything I could do if indeed you think I was rape? I would like to feel better about this one day, but don't know how to..
I appreciate your time and your answers very much
EM
- Re: was i actually raped? #68716
16 y
3,166
This is a reply to # 1,109,655You were not only raped, but you were gang-raped and I would recommend counseling with a specialist to help you to deal with the crime that was perpetrated upon you.
I would also suggest that you forgive yourself - from your language in your post, you seem to feel that you should have "seen it coming" and not allowed yourself to get into the situation that you did. Nobody can predict such a violent, criminal assault! Something similar happened to me when I was 13 and it had a terrible affect upon me until I got involved in individual counseling
My best wishes to you, my dear. You were the victim of a CRIME and you are not responsible for the actions of others.- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,942
This is a reply to # 1,109,722Thank you very much for responding, I think that in a way I asked for it, I should've listened to my mother and stayed home, I should've been more responsible, I don't know... but do you think I need counseling? since I've lived liked this for so many years now? besides, I'm so embarrassesd to tell anybody, including a therapist this.... how would counseling help me now that I'm 47...? I feel like I should just tough it out... I've suffered with Depression since my very early 20's, but I don't know if this is related, is it possible that I've gotten to just accept it and I'm going to be ok? Thank you so very much.
- Re: was i actually raped? BlueRose
16 y
3,085
This is a reply to # 1,110,383No you DID NOT ask for it! Not at all! They had no right to violate you--ever! Yes, you should tell your therapist!! It is not alright to "tough it out" -- why should you? If I had to hazard a guess, your Depression is very likely tied to this event. It doesn't matter what age you are, if you were violated (as you were) it's never too late to work on your issues. If you have any doubts, call a rape crisis hotline (you can find the number by using google). Those answering the phones at these hotlines are compassionate people who will keep your call confidential.
- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,981
This is a reply to # 1,110,604Thank you so much for responding and for your words... I need to get the courage to call someone or to tell my therapist, It is so embarrassing for me... I feel in my heart that the therapist will think that I'm trash... maybe I'm wrong...but I still feel that way...
- Re: was i actually raped? BlueRose
16 y
2,965
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,111,114A good therapist won't make you feel "like trash". If you get the impression that your therapist is that judgemental, then, please find another therapist. And remember--if you call a rape crisis hotline, you won't have to give your name--it's strictly anonymous.
- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,915
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,111,610But a hot line? I thought those were for rape victims that recently got raped.... my was so many years ago and I'm 47, I feel a little too old for that, I feel they are going to say, "after all these years, now is when you call?" or "shouldn't you have done something by now"? whi makes some sense to me...
- To the disheartened victim who is of... been there done that
16 y
2,964
This is a reply to # 1,111,975
Do not disqualify yourself from being eligible and deserving of anything good. You are a human being made in the likeness of God (you will understand).
Bad things happen to everyone, especially when they're growing up. Children are very vulnerable (especially out in public, the street) in daily life because they are still learning about life in this cold, heartless world. Don't take what happened to you PERSONALLY, this is VERY important in your recovery (which has already begun), you did not deserve this and had no part in causing this, it could have happened to anyone.
Many children, after suffering adversity (bad situations), give back to the world what they got from it (meaning if they are given a life of "hell", they give back to the world "hell" and become a hardened criminal. That is the UNJUST reaction to hardship, but you didn't react unjustly and give back to the world what you got from it (you bore/carried your own cross, not making your problems someone else's). This is uncommon (in fact, it is noble, good character). REALIZE THIS about yourSELF.
You reacted JUSTLY ("toughed it out", became sad/depressed, "of poor spirit"). Now your tears are warmer, you know suffering, you know heartache, and have carried "your own cross". You have developed "rivers of living water" that flowed from Our Lord's side when He was crucified.
I thought that, for YEARS, I SUFFERED, but now I realize that I didn't SUFFER. My conscience had always realized that I didn't deserve to suffer, so I simply ENDURED (this would seem little consolation, but hard times/situations will always come) and now I know 'warm tears of sorrow' compassion. You are now more meaningful (intense, you always were) than you yet understand. Because you were just and carried "your own cross" and always had the warmth to know sorrow/sadness, you have a PRESENT (the future will come) heaven in your heart.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit..."
http://cf.blueletterbible.org/search/translationResults.cfm?Criteria=for+thei...
CONGRATULATIONS and God bless you.
- To the disheartened victim who is of... been there done that
16 y
2,964
- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,915
- Re: was i actually raped? BlueRose
16 y
2,965
- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,981
- You have trouble forgiving yourself ... been there done that
16 y
3,860
R
This is a reply to # 1,110,383
The truth is, you do not need forgiveness. Forgiveness can only be given (is only necessary) when someone is GUILTY.
You did not force anyone to do what they did. THEY committed evil/wrong/bad.
Bad things happen all the time. Good things happen also, but you are not responsible for everything whether good or bad. The people who CAUSE/perform the deeds are responsible for them.
You did not rape the other girl either. The people who did that (the guys)...did that, committed that, and are responsible for making the rapes happen. If you feel responsible for what happened to you, then you would have to also accept responsibility for what happened to the other girl, but you caused no harm to the other girl (you know that you didn't cause her harm, so you should also not inflict responsibility for what happened to you on YOURSELF).
In justice (right and wrong), there is only
1) RIGHT/good
and
2) wrong/bad
(you are not ready to be a criminal court judge until you get this straight...BAD/wrong is wrong).
Right is right and wrong is wrong. You were the VICTIM, not the CRIMINAL. You were RAPED (but there really is nothing LEGAL that can be done now because it was another country and a different jurisdiction, but it was also a long, long, long time ago, a legal proceeding would be simply unrealistic). Anyway, don't trouble yourself or regret the legal aspects, don't concern yourself about that at all, the important thing nowadays is that you are happy, married and a healthy mother (yes, you are important and deserving of happiness). Your happiness is the important thing and you should not let the past haunt you.
Let the past be the past, live in the PRESENT.
I have a past of 51 years of suicidal depression, but I am happy now because I ignore the fact that there is a past, I live in the present. I don't care that there is a past, I make believe that there is no past in my life (I didn't say it makes sense). You are in a different situation, you don't have 51 yrs. to forget/deny/ignore, you only have to release yourself from feeling bad about ONE situation that you were never really responsible for.
We can also declare ourselves guilty when a car runs us over or something falls on us or when someone robs us, but we were only at the LOCATION where it happened, we were NOT the CAUSE. Let the GUILTY be guilty, do not exonerrate them and accept/steal their responsibility for what THEY did. You have falsely accused the innocent (you are the innocent) and your conscience has always been mad at you for that.
RELEASE THE PRISONER, she has been falsely accused.
When something happens to you, YOU are a VICTIM and you deserve compassion/SORROW. MOURN/cry for yourself. It is not only OTHER people who deserve sorrow/compassion, you deserve it also. You are denying yourself compassion/sorrow. That is WRONG/unjust, STOP IT!, your conscience feels hurt by your refusal to acknowledge your own humanity. You would be compassionate and feel sorrow for other people, but you persecute yourself (not very nice of you). Treat yourself better.
There is nothing to forgive (unless you want to forgive yourself for falsely accusing yourself)...it might be sufficient to just be merciful and...
RELEASE THE PRISONER.
- Re: was i actually raped? BlueRose
16 y
3,085
- Re: was i actually raped? insecureme
16 y
2,942
- Re: was i actually raped? victimized
16 y
2,800
This is a reply to # 1,109,655You were raped because you did not consent to it. He should have known better because he was older and you were only 16. Dont blame yourself. He is garbage and what goes around comes around.
Wishing you all the best!
- Re: was i actually raped? #68716
16 y
3,166
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