very confused... 
nomad girl
16 y
1,508
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I posted about open relationships a few days ago. My friend/lover called me on the weekend to come over to help him pack and hang out. Before I spoke to him I thought I had it all sorted out in my head, just to let things go and see what happens. But even hearing his voice on the phone made me furious and very sad. I made an excuse not to come over as I thought I should calm down before we talk and figure out what is going on with me.
My anger is coming from the fact that he never openly told me from the start that he was in an open relationship with someone else. Like I said in the earlier post, I knew he was in some kind of relationship because of his facebook page. I noticed this a few weeks after we hooked up. At the time, I didn't seem to care, didn't ask him, and just went with the flow. A few months later he finally mentioned something about open relationships in a general sense, but didn't say specifically that he was in one or with whom. Again, I didn't ask. maybe I thought it's better I don't know or that I could be cool with it. Now I am thinking back and wishing he had told me from the start so i could decide if I wanted to get involved in this kind of relationship. One that is either casual or part of an open relationship with someone else. Not sure it would have made any difference, but at least I would have been aware of the fact that this would not lead to something more monogomous.
Do I have a right to be angry about this? Or am I just being petty?
He knew I just came out of an intense emotional breakup with my ex as well and was/is in a vulnerable state. But I do take responsibility for my own actions. I could have ended it or brought it up the minute I knew he was already involved with someone else. At the time it didn't seem to matter because it was so much fun and free.
I am not having fun anymore and feel hurt, angry, and sad.
Just thought i'd like to get some outside input before i talk to my friend/lover.
On one hand I think I have some right to be angry and hurt, but on the other hand I feel like a crazy unstable emotional woman! Please help!
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- Re: very confused... #76749
16 y
1,352
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,079,604
You are obviously very capable in analyzing your own situation, and have done so. You knew as soon as you saw his facebook page that you were not exclusive with him and that was a time that you could have faced the situation as it was, and if you weren't comfortable with it, end the relationship. I'm not really being judgmental - because most all of us if we really look at ourselves have done similar or even greater miscalculations.
I think that you were really vulnerable when the relationship began because of having come out of intense emotional breakup with your ex. You have even said so in your post. What this guy had to offer obviously filled some type of void at the time.
Yes you have a right to be angry, but angry with whom? Probably yourself.
No, I don't think you are being petty. What I think you are doing is standing back and assessing the situation you are in and finding that you don't like it. And hurrah for you! That doesn't make you crazy and unstable, that makes you rational and real.
My suggestion is that if you're interested in a stable and long-term relationship, you have answered your own questions - and this one isn't what you are looking for. Loneliness can cause us to do some often irrational things, but you are being very rational. Finding another caring and supportive relationship may not be quick and easy - like a casual sexual relationship is, and it may even take a long time - if ever to happen, but if that's what you want - go for it!
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- Re: very confused... roooth
16 y
1,423
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,079,604Sorry for your troubles. :-( It seems very frustrating and emotional from the reads of it. I'm quickly becoming a big fan of The Work by Byron Katie as a means for working this type of stuff out where your thoughts are running away from you making you feel bonkers. You may want to check out some videos and read on thework.com.
Either way, I'd say, go easy on yourself for putting yourself in this position. You're human and you were acting based off of needs and feelings, much as you're reacting now. Go easy on yourself, as you're a lovely person, and by extension go easy on him. Maybe after you find a calm inner place, it will be easier to find your own answers.
Take care,
Ruth - Re: very confused... #68716
16 y
1,359
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,079,604I'm sorry for your current dilemma - many of us have been right where you are.
I was somewhat promiscuous during the wild-assed '70's & '80's. It was not uncommon for people to change partners as often as they changed their socks, or to be juggling multiple sexual interests. At the time, there were 2 things that were unthinkable: being an unwed mother, and contracting herpes. Those were the worst things that couldn've happened in our world. Today, there are many other things that one has to worry about aside from just the emotional aspects of entering into a "casual" sexual relationship with someone.
I learned through trial and error (many errors) that entering into a sexual relationship with someone raised a number of issues that I just couldn't deal with. There were disease issues - whenever I slept with someone, I was effectively sleeping with that person AND every other person that they had slept with AND every other person that they had slept with, and so on. Then, there were the emotional issues because, like it or not, there would always be an emotional connection for me regardless of how "casual" I wanted the relationship to remain. There came a point where I had to acknowledge my physical needs and attend to them without seeking a partner until I was able to define what I was seeking in a partner. Mind you, I ended up choosing an abusive NPD, but that was what I ended up doing and it doesn't mean that you (or, anyone else) will make the same stupid choice.
If I were dealing with your situation, again, I would probably do the same thing that I did back then: avoid sexual encounters with partners until I could determine what my personal goals were, what my criteria for a partner was, and focus my attention on something other than fulfilling a physical need with someone. I got myself into a number of emotionally "challenging" relationships that had begun as casual sexual encounters. For me, I had to learn the difference between physical gratification and unconditional love. Took a few decades, I must say!
Best wishes to you!
- Re: very confused... nomad girl
16 y
1,538
This is a reply to # 1,079,760This forum is awesome! Thank you all! It really helps to just write it all down and get some unbiased input. It is so easy to get caught up in your emotions and confusion. I did a great yoga session today as well, which helped me to be more grounded and clear. When I was younger I used to just follow my emotions without thinking it through and often got myself in trouble. Over the years I have learned to take a step back, question the deeper issues of why I am feeling this way, and not react immediately through confusion, anger or hurtfulness. Not an easy task, but I am growing! I hope I don't loose a friend over this. I know it will take some time and space. At the beginning i felt like the universe provided me with exactly what I needed at the time... beautiful free sex with no strings attached.
And for a few months it was like this, until recently when these emotional needs and attachments came in. So again, the universe is providing me with exactly what I need at this time... to work on myself and to figure out what it is I want exactly when it comes to love and partnership. As the song goes..."you can't always get what you want, you get what you need!" - Say, you know what I think? Alikat
16 y
1,866
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 1,079,760I think that you and Molly Blooom ought to put a book together. No kidding! I know there are a lot of books out on the subject of abused women and crappy men, but some how the combined experiences, humor and style you share ought to be printed and out to a much larger audience.
Then here at CZ we could say; "we knew you when", lol
- Re: very confused... nomad girl
16 y
1,538
- Re: very confused... #76749
16 y
1,352
