Oh gosh.
I am in this apartment, half emtpy, all by myself, with the exception of two cats and a dog that I'm not sure I can care for by myself.
I have no friends in this town. All the friends I had here initially have already moved. It's a college town, and I'm barely going to be hitting 22, so it would seem as though making friends would be easy. I've never had an easy time making friends though. I just don't know how.

I don't know what to do here by myself. I called him over soon after he had all of his stuff out because I didn't know who else to call. I was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. I was freaking out because I had no idea what to do or what was going to happen to me. I asked him if he could HEAR the emptiness in the place, and he said he could. I don't know how to do this on my own. I wake up and the anxiety strikes in right away.

We started seeing eachother in the summer of 2005 and moved in together very shortly after that. We had our squabbles and temporary break ups. The thing is, with everything we've been through together, we stuck it out. Had it been any other person, for either of us, we would have just given up on the relationship and skipped out on the drama and emotional rollercoaster that comes with forgiving and moving on together. We both decided that we didn't like where we were living, so we packed up and moved to Colorado (from Texas), where he spent part of his younger years. Cost of living turned out to be too high there, so we moved to Kansas, where he had family. From there, we decided we'd either go back to CO or TX.

Things got extremely stressful for both of us in KS. I was trying to keep from missing a semester of school by taking online classes with my original university, we were staying with his grandparents. By that that time, he had made friends in a band, (he's a musician) and he became like a gift from god to this band. So they all HIGHLY disliked me because he told them that we were moving back to Texas eventually. He even told this random drunk lady at a bar, who was fawning over how pretty she thought I was, for some reason, that he "would never ask the woman [he]love to give up her dreams, so I'm going with her" since I decided I needed to get back into the classroom if I'm ever going to finish a degree, let alone a PhD!
We also ended up getting pregnant. We terminated the pregnancy. He was constantly torn between his friends and me.
Once the stress got to be too much for me, I told him that I was leaving, whether he came with me or not. Because our life in KS was not healthy, and I needed to move on with my school career. I came back to Texas, stayed with some family nearby my new university...we talked ocassionally, as he did not come with me.

One day, he called to yell at me about something. I might have upset one of his friends up there or something. By the end of the phone call, he was making plans to move down here to be with me again! He told me how he had gotten a girlfriend a few weeks beforehand. I had also been seeing someone for a short period of time, but I had already called things off with that guy, as it was nothing serious at all. So he came down and we quickly settled into an apartment. Things were good. I'm not sure if I was ready for him when he came, but I just wanted to be with him again. Problem being, I never told him about the guy I had been seeing while he was gone. He found out eventually and was extremely hurt and betrayed because I didn't ever tell him about it. And when he gets hurt, he gets angry...like a tornado going through the apartment. Anyway, that's what started the little arguments here and there. When he came down, we were supposed to have a clean slate, all forgiven, no secrets, nothing. I messed that all up. Since then we frequently had periods of not getting along for the silliest of reasons. I was just hurt that he couldn't forgive me as easily as I had forgiven him in the past for cheating and lying that he had donw. According to him, that was all irrelevant because we had started over.

SOOOO when he started yelling about how unhappy he was and this was a mistake and this and that, I started pulling out his suitcases and getting his stuff together. He took the hint and started packing some clothes, but he didn't leave that night. Then he got a call from his ex-girlfriend who he was with for about 2 years before me. She said she heard about what was going on and told him this wasn't healthy and "bla bla bla bla" and I think that's what motivated him more. When I found that out, I was very upset. While he was out of the apartment for a while, I started gathering his stuff together, initiating, yet again, his move out. And he finished, got all his stuff and left.

Now I'm here with nothing but regret and he won't come back to me. He said we will never work out. So I'm going crazy over losing one of the most important pieces of my life and fearing that, this time, I truly never will get him back. I never expected to have a future without him. I always thought everything would work itself out and we would be stable together...maybe even get married if I could ever get over my conflicting view of marriage. And also, I'm completely alone in this town with nobody. I don't even have a television for pseudo-company. I don't know what to do. I want him back so badly. I feel like after feeling this for the short couple of days that it's been, I know better than to ever lie to him or take him for granted or engage in stupid arguments with him again. I don't know how to convince him of that. My father told me that when people are ready to let go, they don't have this much trouble. I was not able to function at work yesterday and I fear going in today. On top of that, it's probably too late for me to request time off for X-mas. "He" and I had plans together but those are shot and I'm ALL ALONE.

Please I need help. I have no friends. I've lost the love of my life and want nothing more than to get him back. I feel like...I could do all the things that I would normally do if he were here...but I don't because I don't feel comfortable not sensing him in the next room or knowing when he'll be back home. The knowledge of being completely alone has taken over and I don't know how to get rid of it. I have trouble breathing, I can't eat anything, and I just want to hold him and tell him how sorry I am for the slightest mistakes I've made since we met and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. I have trouble coming home because I know what awaits me...nothing. I'd rather come home to him being upset with me than nobody at all. I can't get a roommate because it's a 1-bedroom.


I'M SO LOST.