no more for me.. 
rygar.
17 y
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† Cross †
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well..after thinking about it and examining how I feel the best I can..I think it's best that I remain single for a while longer,maybe longer then sooner lol.After having some initial crushes on some girls at work,I have decided that I am just not ready to open myself up to those feelings again just yet.I can't help but feel hurt and rejected without even knowing them,though they are favorable to my company and interactions..I am just not very open nor very friendly,I just want to be alone and I don't think I would be able to open up to them nor anyone for that matter..It sucks because I know they are good people..the only drawback is that I am the broken and tortured one,
NOT them..
oh wellz,woe iz muah I guess,I don't care..I am over it..I am soo over it..
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- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
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This is a reply to # 1,063,787on the flip side..when I am in a good mood,I can be devilishly charming and manipulative..go figure lol.
I doubt it has to do with my issues and more with my moods and having a poor default mode whenever I get into those moods,it's like whenever I am lowly and down on myself I always revert back to the woe is me phase,I hate the world,girls suck,i hate myself and everyone else blah blah blah..I have to learn to just accept my moods,shut off my mind and the jibba jabba goin' on and just deal with the moods/emotions without having to give it meaning and label everything..sometimes I just feel like crap and theres no other reason other then I am tired and worked a long busy shift..
it's not the end of the world,actually..the more it seems like the end of the world over sometime small and minuscule the more likely it's purely delusional and just the horrible mood talking..it's all in my head and not even real,with a clear head I realize that it's not such a big deal and everything is a-ok.
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- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
1,834
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in a bad mood and going to vent..
for chrismas,I want my father to drop dead.That is all.
He has never been there for me,brought nothing but pain and resentment into my life..
I just want him to drop dead..PLOP! right there,I'd have a grin from ear to ear...
I hate him and want nothing from him or anything to do with him,it disgusts me to look in the mirror and see anything in me that may resemble him..
fawk it..he's dead to me and always will be..
I think I will get my mom an phenomenal gift,something that will make her happy..
which is odd because I hate her about as much as i hate his monkey ass..
that way maybe they will resent one another for me giving one attention over the other,
it's okay..I hate you both equally..take that to the heart you bastards..
*ppptttuuuuuiiii! spits on their grave!
O:- get it all out UserX
17 y
1,813
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This is a reply to # 1,064,225it helps me to write down all the sordid details and read it out loud to a therapist
good riddance, internalizing all that gunk is what makes you vulnerable to infection
god only knows what happened to them, that made them they way they were/are...
- Re: get it all out rygar.
17 y
1,765
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This is a reply to # 1,064,292he just pisses me off and is the biggest hypocrite in the world.He expects all this crap from me and asks for all this and that but when it comes to him,he is just inconsiderate and doesn't really give two shiets about what I feel or think..
I truly hate him..he's just a moron.I hate him in the worst way..better yet,I really don't care.I hate and project all of my issues with him towards other males..it sucks but that's just how I feel..growing up with him was pure hell..made me want to be a bastard..- Re: get it all out #86672
17 y
1,671
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This is a reply to # 1,064,297Advertisement
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I think it is a great idea not to involve yourself in a relationship right now until you clear up the deep issues you have w/ your parents. You can start by getting good professional counseling and maybe getting spiritually in tune w/ a "Higher Power" or God who can help you to love yourself. Until you can let go of your past you will still be living in the past. All the negative energy you exert to stew over the past could be well used for other positive endeavors. I believe that "getting it out" is a great piece of advice but do it w/ someone who is trained to help you and you will see positive changes.
When all is said and done, only YOU can change yourself. Your father/mother will never change but surely you can change yourself? BTW, I've been where you are and the change will happen only when you want it to change.
So, get a new thought pattern going, when the temptation comes to think about those that hurt you, place other positive thoughts in your mind, push away those negative thoughts. Rudimentary advice? maybe, does it work? YES!
Something else that helps is to find others that need YOUR help. Stay outward focused, don't dwell on yourself so much. There are people out there who need you and would benefit from your help. Maybe volunteer work in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Maybe teaching someone to read? These are things that will bring light into your life and help/ease the burden of only thinking about yourself. Just a thought. I say that w/ the best of intentions. - Re: get it all out Infinitelove
17 y
1,845
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This is a reply to # 1,064,297Rygar, have you ever heard of "The Work" with Byron Katie? If not, you may want to take a look at this youtube clip. Even though the topic is not your current concern, there are several other short clips of Katie that will address the issues you're discussing.
It's helped me tremendously with my various relationships. Blessings, Rygar :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HeFdBJNkq4
- Re: get it all out #68716
17 y
1,763
This is a reply to # 1,064,297Both of my sons grew up in an abusive environment and were effectively brainwashed by their father who depsises women (in a malignant way), is an abusive NPD, and is so perverted that any sexually intimate recollections of him cause me physical nausea - I don't want to acknowledge that I lay with that Thing and produced offspring that were just as sick as he is.
I would suggest some sort of counseling, whether individual, group support, SOMEthing. You keep posting that you "...don't care," but its inconsistent with your originally posted messages. You DO care and you DO want healing, otherwise, you wouldn't even give the time of day to your own choices of behavior. Trust me on this, as I speak from personal experience: your life will change, dramatically, if you take the steps to heal yourself. You have a choice as to how you want to be - miserable, or full of positive enthusiasm? It's now down to a personal choice for you.
For me, I've been waging a personal campaign to heal from my experiences and, sure enough, after as much work as I've put in, the past will still sneak up and bite me in the ass when I least expect it! Today, I have emotional tools to help me deal with a lot of it, but I still ask for help when I know that I'm in over my head.
Best wishes to you.Advertisement
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- Re: get it all out #86672
17 y
1,671
- Re: get it all out rygar.
17 y
1,765
- Re: no more for me.. roooth
17 y
1,672
This is a reply to # 1,064,225Rygar,
I agree with previous comments. My philosophy on dating is that there are 2 angles to work on when pursuing the ultimate goal of a loving and fulfilling relationship. One is to look for that person (which definitely can wait if you don't feel ready) and the other is to work on increasing your ability to love and be loved. You can use all other (non romantic) relationships in practicing this goal. BTW, this approach has worked for me. I did meet my other half, yet I wouldn't have been as good at contributing to a smooth, stress-free loving relationship if I hadn't done all that work on myself - and now we both reap the benefits.
So yes, the stressful relationships and the potential love relationships are interconnected and I think you have the right idea in holding off on love relationships while you examine the stressful ones.
~Roooth
- get it all out UserX
17 y
1,813
- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
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- Re: no more for me.. Miakoda
17 y
2,197
This is a reply to # 1,063,787Rygar, having seen you on the Warrior Diet Forum , this occurred to me. Could it be possible that the way you have been eating is contributing to your anger? The WD has obviously been beneficial to your physique, but perhaps its not such a good thing for your state of mind. Could a different way of eating benefit your mind and help you be more at peace with yourself? I'm not an expert on this, I just thought it might be worth investigating. Best wishes, Miakoda
- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
1,728
This is a reply to # 1,064,823Advertisement
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I dont think it has anything to do with the warrior diet..my bloodsugar hasn't been this stable in years.
It's just that whenever my folks do something to anger me..it really really really really angers me for some reason.I think it always just has,alot of my issues with men/woman seem to root back to them,from the people I am attracted to to the ones I dispise and resent for no other reason that they remind me of them.
As far as the other issues with relationships..I am just -blah-
I try to open up and let people in emotionally and whatever but it's like..
I begin to feel angry for feeling vulnerable and seeking their affection and approval.I can deal with same sex attention/recognition seeking because I know where it's rooted in.But with females it's like-ggrrrrrrrrrr!
They anger me so much but I want them so badly at times! then I feel angry for wanting them lol.
O:
I feel the same way about my own mother actually..I slept hugging her til I was like 11-12 I think,can't remember but I was real close to her up til 13-14 when I had discovered other girls lol...
don't know what's going on with me,I don't know what I want emotionally...haven't dealt with this type of stuff ever really and have no one to talk to without feeling like I am being fuct over.I haz trust issuezzz.
it sucks because I can tell when someone is interested in me or there may be opportunities but I just..can't..put..myself..out there..I just..freeze or close up.
I just feel like I would just let them down or break their heart.I mean,I can and have the ability to love and care..but it's ..broken or something lol.
I believe that when I meet the right person,I will know it and feel it..because the feelings of attraction and interest will outweigh my insecurities and anxieties and things will happen...with or without my conscious effort.
you know?
- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
1,728
- Re: no more for me.. popeJohn3rd
17 y
1,831
This is a reply to # 1,063,787First, the workplace is not a good place to date someone unless you are in different departments. Too many people in your business, and if you are the jealous type you may find yourself babysitting the person all the time to make sure no one else is hitting on them. If you are not interested in anything then it's up to you. I doubt anyone will force a relationship on you if you don't want it.
- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
1,694
This is a reply to # 1,066,383there are these two girls that I am horribly attracted to and interested in,my attention wanders between the both on them depending on the days.
I agree though..I hate dating in the workplace normally because you see eachother..EVERYDAY.I don't like seeing the person I am seeing//EVERYDAY..i get sick of seeing people and it looses it's spark after a while..they are just another face,no matter how pretty lol.
I also am one of those love/hate people..I love and hate at the same time,I can't have one without the other or else we end up just as friends.The ones I become attached to the most,we end up having the most conflicts in the beginning..partially to blame is my natural abrasiveness and attitude problem lol.But in general,the girls I am 'nice' to..we end up as friends,the ones I am myself with in all of my assholiness (hey a new word!)i end up being the tightest with..go figure,I thoght it would be the opposite but without tension? how much fun would it be??Advertisement
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- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
1,694
- Re: no more for me.. rygar.
17 y
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