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Fasting Day 2!!
Weight thoughts, fasting, letting go of the past
Date: 9/17/2007 10:37:12 AM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2620 times So, yesterday I weighed 138lbs and today I weighed 135lbs. I released 3 pounds on the first day, now just 30 more to go!!! Anyways, I am enjoying this experience because it is very exciting and it is pretty easy for me to not eat. I enjoy the experience of subtle hunger pangs and thinking occassionaly about food, remembering how it tastes, etc. But I would rather be healthy, fit, energetic and beautiful than eat the way I have been (totally based on emotions and not health most of the time)...I had been eating much more sugar than my body could handle in the past week and I could tell it was making me depressed and I needed a cleanse. So, here I am! Yesterday was hard because I had a pretty severe headache towards the end of the day, right in my third eye. I kept drinking water, but it wasn't going away. And I drank so much water yesterday that it was starting to make me nauseous. I was just so thirsty and peening every five minutes. I went running in the morning and I sat in the sauna at night for about 30 minutes. I think I overdid the sauna though because I felt dizzy when I got out. I can't help but to say that this is a pretty exciting experience. I always love fasting. I love the exilharation of it, the natural high. I am excited to see if I can make it down another 30 pounds. That has been my dream since I gained weight in the end of 2004. I used to weigh about 100 to 110 (I am a very small person) and then I just gained a lost weight up and down but never got back down to my healthy comfortable weight. The lowest I got was last October when I went down to 113 pounds. I was comfortable at that weight. I just know that 135lbs is too much for my small little body. I am a bit chubby at this weight.
Yesterday I watched my series of Six Feet Under all day long. I must have watched 6 episodes. I had this strange strange realization when I was watching it. I saw these two men fighting and I realized that they were each the same thing deep on the inside, but they have created an outter layer of their personality to protect them from the "harsh world" that we live in. That is the way we all are. Who we all are is pure love and no matter how much pain or anger we experience, the love emanates more strongly than the pain. It is always there, it never dies, it never leaves, it is the foundation of who each of us are. But because we have grown up in a world that has so little "love" expressed, even from our parents and our childhoods, we learn that we are not love and we create protective mechanisms to help us feel safe in this world. For me, my protective mechanism has been eating and gaining weight and focusing on it obsessively to help deter my thoughts away from the very situations that have been too painful to deal with. Sometimes I think it is my weight that is really bothering me, but it usually never is. I will not deny that I am heavier than I am meant to be at this weight, but the issue is never really about my weight. It is always about some other fear. Mainly this year the fear has been becoming independent from my parents and the responsibility that takes for me to have over my own life. I can say it has been very difficult, but I am at a point now where I can say that I am so happy to be somewhat free. I have moved out of my family's houses and I am now living alone in a one bedroom apartment. At times I feel lonely, but I feel a safeness in this solitude unlike I ever felt living at my parent's or my grandmother's house. (I am 22 years old now by the way)
Anyways, please wish me luck on this journey. I wish to take care of my body and release the weight that I have been working to let go of since November 2004, nearly three years. I hope to be able to say that I only had to be heavy for three years of my life because I was going through so much and that now I am truly ready to release this weight.
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