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Day 9
Master Cleanse, Day 9, easting psychology
Date: 8/23/2007 10:48:36 AM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 1836 times I had a little stress enter my life today, and I wanted the comfort of food. Instead I had to deal with it head on. And I did. And it's done. Tonight we had friends over for a barbecue and I fixed my favorite foods. It wasn't a test until later in the evening when I was REALLY tired and ready for bed. That's when the food starting whispering to me...but when they LEFFT and I was cleaning up. That's when the real war began.
I've always been a food hoarder from a VERY young age. My mom saw that my appetite was larger than my little body at about age 4. I could eat like a horse, and though I was never chubby, I was never thin. My mother being a VERY thin woman, who had had bulimia in her early twenties, decided that she needed to intervene and watch my food intake. So she began to hide the food from me, freeze the Twinkies, scold me for over indulging. What I learned from this was: finding and keeping food is a game, a way to outwit people (so I like to binge in private) Frozen Twinkies are really good, and once I've over indulged, I hate myself. So it should come as no surprise that I was bulimic in my 20's as well. It's been a long time since my purging mentality, and I've learned to be much kinder to myself, but I still have a day once every couple of months, where I have to go out and buy myself some BIG treat and eat it in my car. Or raid the refrigerator after everyone's in bed and mow through a triple layer chips and cheese and ice cream sundae. ( Dairy Dairy Dairy).
I haven't felt any of these urges since I've been on the diet, but after the stress of yesterday, combined with my exhausted mind, I kept thinking, "No one would know if I ate something."
Thank God there was another louder voice saying,"What are you, an idiot? You didn't come this far to scarf some crap down your throat- and anyway, you'd probably vomit like a frat boy."
Yes, I'm aware that that voice needs to become more kind...I don't speak very politely to myself in my own company, but it actually won out. I had one little lick of a finger as I put the chocolate cake away. Instead of sending me into gales of a chocolate fit, I thought...."wow, that really smells great, but it actually doesn't taste as good as it smells." That was a shocker. And then the rest of it was easy.
I cleaned everything up, put the left overs away and contented myself with the thought that I have have (and have had) all my life to choose whatever I want to put in my mouth. And for today, I don't need that. Hanging out with friends, even at a dinner, can be fun if you're not stuffing your mouth. Drinking my tea while they ate, I was right in there with them. I wasn't left out.
Granted, my mind associates food and luxurious meals with freedom, and the ability to do what I want to (I WILL find that hidden food and I WILL eat it HAHAHAHAH!) I've just had this change of what I "WANT." I always said, "when I grow up, I'll eat what I want." Right now that happens to be lemonade. And I'm ok with that. When I'm done, it'll be a larger percent raw than I've ever eaten before. And I'm really looking forward to learning how to cook that way. I'll be a whole new adventure!
Here's to hoping Day 10 is quiet again. All in all, I haven't had a lot of ups and downs or detox symptoms AT ALL. My weight loss is plateaued at 8 pounds total. And my energy is stable and fairly high. My focus came back right away, and has remained the same. So I don't have much to report in the way of detox. Just changing my eating psychology, which in itself is worth it for me!
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