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The Bare Bones of It - Searching for Legitimacy
Do I have the right to be here, to exist? Deep down, I have felt my life here has been one big mistake. What a foundation on which to base a life's experience!
Date: 7/8/2007 8:42:18 AM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2479 times I remembered something I read in a book by Denise Linn and applied it for the first time. I definitely felt a shift in energy.
I decided to use my very active imagination to rewrite the outcome of some very traumatic instances from my past. One instance happened when I was 15. I was sexually molested by a physician who I went to because I had not started menstruating yet (and had no sexual experience whatsoever) and my mother was concerned. I am fortunate I was not raped. Even though my mother and I were not close by any stretch, I decided to tell her what happened. She immediately invalidated my experience, telling me it could not have happened the way I described it but rather I must be imagining it or exaggerating what really transpired etc. My mother not believing me was more traumatic to me than the actual incident. This particular doctor was a very close friend to my parent's best friends. So in essence, she was protecting him over me. This devastated me and I have not been able to forgive her.
So, in my imagination, I went back to the time I was confiding in her about this. I imagined her being shocked and horrified, and so angry that she declared she was going to go straight to the authorities to report him. I imagined her being totally supportive and loving towards me. I definitely felt better after this little exercise. Apparently our subconscious cannot differentiate between real and imagined events. So I changed the outcome. I think the energy shifted for my mother too as my sister reported to me that my mother was saying nice things about me all of a sudden (will wonders never cease?) - we are currently estranged. I did not tell my sister about what I had done.
Anyhow, seeing as how powerful this exercise seemed to be, I have been wondering what other issues to tackle. This morning I realized I need to go right back to the time I was conceived and imagine my mother being thrilled at the prospect of my arrival. In reality, she tried to induce a miscarriage as her pregnancy with me was unplanned and she almost died giving birth to my oldest brother, her first-born. The prospect of going through that hell again terrified her.
I have to admit that I have never wanted to be here and have been pissed off that I was born altogether. As much as my parents rejected me on so many levels, I know I have been engaging in self-rejection too. Just recently I finally started using my proper name - I had always used a nickname because I was ashamed of my birth name, thinking it too unusual or weird. I now realize this was a way to engage in self-rejection. Adopting my given name and asking everyone who knows me to start addressing me by that name has produced a huge shift in how I perceive myself and how others perceive me too. Numerology tells us that our names emit a definite frequency and have a huge impact on our lives and I know this to be true because I have experienced it. I did a free numerology analysis of my birth name at
http://www.decoz.com
and I was blown away by the accuracy of it.
No wonder my life looks like it does. I have been grappling with issues of whether I have a legitimate right to be here. Up until recently I have been unconsciously believing that I don't, hence my crippling issues of shame. How easy to hide behind shame and self-consciousness. How easy to adopt an overall feeling of insignificance. These are great crutches, serving as wonderful excuses to not engage in life. Enough's enough already.
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