Finally Ready to Cast Off the Shackles...
One woman's journey on the road to becoming whole by releasing the secrets and shame that have kept her imprisoned, bitter, confused and miserable.
Date: 5/28/2007 9:36:53 AM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 3268 times
Well, I have been deliberating for a long time but I am finally ready to unburden myself. I suspect that I am not alone in harboring a secret that is soul-destroying and has totally been robbing me of my life force. I have tried to improve my health like many others here at Curezone but all the cleansing, diet modifications and various other strategies will not be my saving grace - I finally am willing to admit that to myself.
I really don't know where this will all lead but I know I must proceed, no matter what. So, with a warrior attitude, here goes...It is my intention that my story will inspire others to begin releasing the secrets and shame that they might be carrying also, like a ball and chain.
I have finally made a decision to tell my three children why it is that I have not engaged with my extended family. They are pretty well grown up now and yet they have never met most of my family (no aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) Only my mother has been in and out of the picture over the last 21 years or so. Sometimes they asked me but I evaded their questions - they knew something was up. They knew I had a horribly traumatic childhood with an alcoholic father who couldn't be bothered with his daughters and a mentally unstable mother who tried on numerous occasions to commit suicide and was incredibly abusive emotionally. I have told the kids certain stories about my past but not the one that really keeps me locked in shame and keeps me totally alienated from my family. This situation can never really be resolved yet I can't stop trying to make peace with it.
My oldest daughter will be returning home in September and when all three kids are together here with me, that is when I will break my silence and explain the legacy of shame I have had to bear. Unfortunately, they share in this legacy, whether they want to or not.
I was the second of four children. My older brother was four years older than I. My mother began having an affair with her brother-in-law (my father's sister's husband). This affair lasted about 30 years, on and off. Growing up, he was my favorite uncle. I thought the world of him - he was so affectionate and gave me the attention I so badly craved. How I loved him!
When I was 19, one fateful Mother's Day, my mother was once again crying hysterically and threatening to kill herself. She always looked to me to soothe her emotions and give her reasons to go on living (as if having four children to look after wasn't reason enough). Then she said she had something she wanted to tell me but was afraid to but I convinced her to spill the beans and my life changed instantly from that point forward. My mother revealed to me that my younger brother and sister and I were the product of her illicit love affair with my uncle. I was in shock at first, then numb. I remember how angry I felt that my whole life had been one big deception, a huge lie. This revelation happened when I was 19 - I am now 51. I don't remember a whole lot of my life at home with my parents - I have blocked most of the memories. I do remember her taking me to the apartment she secretly shared with my uncle and shortly after that, I wound up in the hospital unable to walk or otherwise move due to an aggravated old back injury. I think the stress put me over the edge. Over the next number of years, I experienced the full gamut of emotions. My confusion reigned supreme. Now my uncle was suddenly my father and my first cousins were my half-brother and half-sisters and my grandmother was no longer my grandmother and my uncle's aging parents were now my real grandparents and my older brother was really my half-brother. Wah! Scotty - beam me outta here!!
For many years I believed my mother unquestioningly. Looking back, how absurd to do this given her history of being a pathological liar. I stopped the little contact I had with my extended family, partly because I wasn't sure who was aware of this business and who wasn't. After my mother revealed her secret to me, it was like a dam broke and then she went around telling many people about it. People love to gossip so for all I know, the whole community I grew up in may have been aware of it. Regardless, the shame ran deep. Many years later my mother maintained I was not my uncle's biological child - in truth, she may not know herself. When you are intimate with two men at the same time, how can you know for sure. I once asked her this and she had said that she 'took chances' with my uncle, but not with my father, around the time of my conception. There is little doubt that my younger brother and sister are products of that illicit affair because they both look like my uncle. I, on the other hand, resemble my mother. Both my father and uncle are deceased, so my personal mystery will never be solved.
I was born into this world carrying a tremendous amount of shame. I believe this was handed down to me genetically from my mother. I learned recently that her very dysfunctional and traumatic childhood also included sexual abuse which nobody ever knew about. I guess that could explain so much of her erratic behavior while we were growing up. Be that as it may, how exactly can I unload a ton of shame that doesn't even stem from me? On a metaphysical level, I chose my birth family and I am well aware of it. Maybe I should look into past life regression therapy to help resolve this.
It is just recently that I realize to what degree shame and holding onto this secret has dictated my level of health, happiness, willingness to engage in my own life and my ability to lead a productive, fulfilling life. I have no clue how to proceed from my awareness to where I want to get to - being able to feel good in my own skin and to let my light shine through. I know one thing, though, and that is that I have had enough and I am determined to release these shackles.
I have never written a blog before. I hope they are interactive. I would welcome any reader comments and also invite others to let go of their shame and any secrets they may be carrying around. The time has come.
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