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better go to waste than go to waist...
advice i should have followed
Date: 12/22/2006 7:34:49 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2327 times so i had a leftover pot of rice and spinach and because I'll be eating out all weekend i decided i had to finish it today rather than throwing it out. figured it was healthy enough and that rice was easily digestable. I just sat there eating and eating and eating eventhough I was full after eating 1/4 of it I just kept on going. My stomach was rock hard and it still is...5 *$%&$* hours later.
wierd feelings have been cascading through my consciousness blocking out all common sense, sending me into regression ever since. felt like throwing it up, felt like bingeing more, almost made a promise to starve myself through Christmas. Have been feeling my bulging tummy every few minutes the last few hours. am positive I gained weight and can't help but psychologically beat myself up over it.
i can't believe the difference in attitude i have now compared to six hours ago when my stomach was empty from fasting and being active all day. if this isn't some sort of psychological problem then I'm not self-medicating effectively enough. just feel so helpless, hopeless and depressed. I know i'll wake up ok tommorrow but i've been looking at my calendar and planning the next fast for the last few hours cause I can't sleep with my stomach so bloated. it's 3:30 am.
maybe I didn't cleanse enough, maybe I cut the fast too short. i'm not disciplined enough when it comes to food. i need to disassociate my past indoctrination with my current reality. i have to sort out all these feelings and come to terms with what's real and what's not for the sake of my both my mental and physical well being. the status quo is just not acceptable. i have to learn to take control, i want to feel light as air. i want to be perfect, at least as perfect as I can be. thanks for listening.
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