working for the man

sooo tired

Date:   10/16/2006 12:33:24 AM   ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2685 times

I worked in retail for a few months and then got another temporary, more rewarding employment oportunity. The money ran out, and I got re-hired at the former space. I didn't like it before; Now, it feels like utter HELL. I may not be able to make it too much longer at this place. People stream in throwing everything around, talking about how "cute" it all is, trying on clothes, dancing around in them. I used to think it was mildly nice to see peoples' uplift and pleasantries, but now it just looks like pure delusion half the time--a quick fix and I'm intolerant of consumers' mannerisms--I feel trapped with them and obligated to cater to their neuroses in the most absurd ways. I hate being fussed over in stores and now, I'm supposed to feign concern over which scarf Julia should choose that says 'Julia' more than any other scarf. My apathy would kill my boss if she knew how bad it was. cuz I muster up politeness and seeming interest when I tell her how the day goes. She loves and clings to her store. I need to find something that I can stand to support myself that won't drain my time from my art if I can't just find a quick way to start profiting from my work. Manual labor perhaps? Ugh.

I had a similar wave of disdain in the gym. It suddenly seemed so stupid, all these little rodents sweating away on their little wheels, and I didn't know why I was bothering. Fat on my body triggers all sorts of fear in my brain, but getting sweaty and having to re-shower and trying to look nice drains me to no end. I don't know which is worse, and I feel trapped between 2 hells. I feel worse thinking I should have worked out all day when I don't and I actually like the exercise, so I'm probably just being cuckoo. premenstrual, under stress, sleep deprived. I wonder if I'm in the wrong city doing the wrong work. It's funny how even though I'm incessantly praying, it feels more half-hearted and disbelieving on days that feel more off, like I don't feel like I'm being taken care of by God if I have unpleasant emotions even though I so obviously am.

On the UPSIDE, I'm almost done with my membership training and will be able to channel and give Johrei next week!

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