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Appetites
We do strange things to ourselves sometimes
Date: 1/29/2006 3:22:03 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 3882 times First of all, thanks for the kind comments supporting my decision.
I want to be clear that I will most likely do another MC in the future, but not to lose weight and not in the very near future.
So yesterday. More details on what was going on.
One thing I have learned over the past three years on my weight loss journey, is to CHECK IN with myself when I want to binge. So I was standing in my kitchen, looking over the crap I bought to binge on. A pint of Ben and Jerry's. A bag of carob malt balls. A bag of carob-covered almonds (yes, I prefer carob to chocolate, I'm a freak like that, haha). Now, the carob almonds I eat every now and then, they are unsweetened, but the other stuff...never. It's not My Food. And I was feeling desperate. I wanted to frantically shove everything in my mouth all at once.
Those of you who are emotional eaters...you understand. I did NOT want to check in with myself. What I WANTED was to medicate myself with food. I get so unbelievably high off of sugar. I wanted that physical feeling, I didn't want to deal with my emotions.
But I did it. I checked in. What's up with you today, chica? Why was the fast SO EASY last week, and now you're about to poison your body just after you cleansed it? WTF??? I knew I would feel sick and hate myself if I ate all that crap. So I started with the mental inventory.
Why am I still fasting? Really? I went down the list...and came to the realization that I shared yesterday. After losing over 80 lbs. the last three years, I suddenly wanted to revert back to the old "lose it all now!!" black and white kind of thinking. And once I realized that...and remembered that HEY, I know how to eat right and I DO eat right and gave myself permission to give up trying to fast again, POOF went the appetite. POOF went the desire to binge. Gurgle gurgle growl went the crap down the food disposal in the sink. And I felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders. I suddenly started craving blackeyed peas again, hahaha.
My point in sharing this with y'all, is to try to give those of you who struggle with food and weight some hope. If you are overweight because food seems to have control over you, you have the power to change that. There is a lot of emotional work that goes along with it. Sometimes you have to make BIG changes in your life....change your attitude, empower yourself, dump toxic friendships, distance yourself from toxic family members. Because it's not just about control over food. It's about learning to care for ourselves and put ourselves first. It's about believing we are worth the effort. It's about learning to still the voice that says, "Just EAT IT ALREADY!" and take a hard look at what the trigger is and deal with it instead of eat over it. Many many many of us numb our feelings with food, and feeling our feelings is hard. But it's so so SO possible, if you are willing to do the work.
Okay, offa my soapbox now!!
Today's menu: yummy protein/flaxseed shake for brekkie, and spring rolls from Whole Foods for lunch. And I WILL have those blackeyed peas for dinner!
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