Blog: Warrior Of Light
by mindmover

Learning to Meditate

A flyer on the bulletin board read, learn to meditate, break through all barriers. I was
going, there was no question, a picture of buddha, with his blissed out expression on his
face brought chills to my spine.

Date:   7/8/2005 10:01:48 PM   ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2871 times

I had always thought about meditation, almost in a sub-conscious fashion, but never had really tried, or new how to do it. The closest thing would have been practicing yoga on occasion, or working out at high intesity and feeling a letting go of mind and worries in this intense atmosphere.

I was exited about the class and had no idea what to expect. When I first walked in and met the teacher Sunyata, I was full of judgements. I was critical of every move, her clothes, how she talked, everything. But still,there was something that really drew me towards her, something that I could not put my finger on, a lightness, a silliness, a detached focus, even power, power through balance.
Looking back, this is how I think of it, but what was going through my mind exactly at that point, who could really tell.

It took place in a mundance university room that different groups meet in. A few students had set up an SDSU meditation group so that Sunyata could teach meditation to students looking to learn. The attendance was always pretty modest, maybe 20 max, but usually around ten. We sould sit in chairs facing the front of the room where the teacher would be stairing back at us, usually with a table and a sterep behind her with some flowers or something to bring a little beauty into an otherwise drab room. The stereo was for the music that was played during meditation. We meditated to some really high music, it was quite amazing, shifting your state of attention rapidly. My skepticism on hearing about these "chakras" was pretty intense, and we were doing chakra focusing meditations, either way, I was too interested to let my skepticism get the best of me. I guess you could say I felt something on a deeper level, there was truth here, truth on a more profound level than I ever experienced in my college courses, or on the evening news.

The first class began in March of 03', just before I graduated from SDSU in May of 03', just prior to my 24th birthday. There was no turning back. A doorway had been opened into spirituality that I had not conceived of before. I had dreamed of finding a path that would resonate with me, and I felt like I had come home. Meditation would become a large part of my life from that point on. I began voraciously reading spiritual books of all kinds, overwhelmed at how much "information" there is out there on meditation, on eastern philosophy, theology, religion and spirituality. I was amazed at the speed at which this quickened a shift in personality, a transformation from within. I no longer had a solid idea of who I was, or what I was for that matter. Reality seemed translucent, a veil over something greater, something with less substance, but with less transcience, a more permanent, underlying reality.

How can I explain my first experiences, they were truly unreal. I felt like I had slipped somehow into a different world. As it turns out, I had. By changing the thoughts in my head, I was changing my perception of reality around it. Focus made me calm and collected, and that is what I was really doing, learning how to focus my mind. Now that I had found this "path", this way of changing my state of mind, nothing would ever be the same. I knew their was an internal battle to be fought. I knew that there was a side of negativity within me, a side that didn't want to go towards the light, that didn't want to live in love. It was a delusional side of myself I went to battle with, and could more clearly recognize now, as I was able to slow my thoughts. It was this negative ego which I had to set out to rid myself of, in whatever way possible. This turned out to be no simple task, as I've yet to accomplish it to this day.

So I had no idea what to do at this point. My college career was ending and I did not have any idea of where I would go from that point. Things seemed to be truly at a crossroads, new ideas, new me, ne goal, but not the direction in which to take it into my material world.

My plans for what I would do that summer felt awkward, I went ahead with them anyways, in this newly found state of mind, but with plenty of the old baggage. Things were difficult to say the least, I was focused inwardly, trying to get this whole newfound view of reality and myself together, and I was busy working at a summer camp with very little time for introspection or alone time, not to mention my whole sense of self was falling apart before my eyes, and plenty of long since repressed sides of myself were making their way into my waking reality and manifesting themselves in my relations with the campers and my co-workers. Needless to say it was a really ROUGH couple of months. It ended with my making a descision to leave camp early, to move on, and not long their after being fired for some thoughtless descisions on my part while leading a group of hikers up a long trail to the summit of the highest peak in the area. I split the group up, big no, no. I guess I never heard the camp director saying specifically not to do this, or maybe it just didn't register, as sometimes I have been known to have selective hearing. Either way, mistake made, consequence received. I was ready to leave anyways.

That was to lead to more mishappenings in my life. I decided to buy an old VW van in a nearby town in the south sierras and drive it back to San Diego. It was a bad idea, but I pushed ahead anyways. The car was not in the best condition, but I decided to impulsively buy it anwyays. The engine ended up breaking down on me not long before I got out of town. I ended up getting rear ended because I was costing backwards with no power and very limited steering ability. When I got out of the vehicle to view the damage and talk to the guy in the other vehicle, mine rolled of the road and nearly tumbled down the side of hill, barely stopping before plummeting its way down a ravine. Could life get any crazier? I was stuck not far outside of bakersfield, I had not insurance on this newly aquired vehicle and had just got into an accident. Was I screwed? You bet yah. I got a big ticket, and luckily the guy who bumped into me due to my bad backwards, powerless navigating, was not that pissed and really sustained no damage to his vehicle. I guess he could have sued, lucky me he was a nice guy. So along came the tow-truck to help me off into bakersfield. The craziness of the journey continues.

I found myself calling a great aunt of mine who lived in Bakerfield, she was so kind to me and opened her doors up to me and let me stay with her. After paying high towing fees, getting the VW fixed a few times only to have it break down again and get stuck once again needing a tow, I realized that it just wasn't going to happen. I ended up selling the vehicle for about 1/10 of what I had just bought it for not one week before, OUCH that hurt. In the mean time I was staying at my aunt's and trying to figure out what the heck in the world I was going to do with my life.

For the time being, I became a fence painter. My Aunt was going to get her fence painted, and we decided that I would paint it for her in exchange for her kindness in letting me stay. You could say I was slightly reluctant, but then, I have never been the best helper, or self-less giver. In fact, I was always fairly self-centered and selfish. I didn't see what a joy it could be in helping others. I always thought of myself as kind and helpful, but I couldn't deny the negative emotions I felt when asked to help out. It was just an all out inner resistance, a reluctance, a "do I have to?" kinda feeling. I didn't like having that feeling at all. I went ahead and did the work in the scorching summer sun of Bakersfield California. It seemed like that fence would never end, there was so much of it, and I was such a perfectionist, every little spot had to be coated, covered, what a job. With all the crazy thoughts and ideas of meditation, of world rejection, of self-rejection going through my head, it was as if I was going insane. My mind was self-destructing and I was far from where I wanted to be, and far from "who" I wanted to be. These incongruencies are always what brought on suffering for me. It was hard for me to accept the world, my current situation, or even myself, right where I was, for better or for worse.

After my Aunt so kindly took me to get my other vehicle from a friends house who was holding onto it for me when they found out I didn't want to sell it anymore due to the circumstances with my newly broken down, worthless piece of junk, I was now able to set off on the road again. But not before I got things taken care of with the county court. Needless to say I had to wait for some time to get into the court. In the meantime I traveled to San Diego to find out more about possibly attending a computer school to get a certificate in programming. It seemed like a good way to go because you have to be extremely focused mentally in order to solve the puzzle of creating a program sometimes, in fact, it is a very refined form of art for those who are able to do it at a high level.

So back in San Diego I found myself crashing at a friends house looking into what to do next. I was impressed with my old 1983 Nissan 280zx for taking me so far and continuing to run so well, not that it hadn't sucked a lot of money out of me first!

I looked into Coleman College a highly recommended techical school which would allow me to pursue a career in programming after a nine month intensive certification program. I took the tests, filled out the forms, and that was it, I could start at the beginning of the next session which was about 5 months out.

Come to think of it, I had planned to move back home and pay off my student loans before doing anything else in life. But all my ideas and plans had shifted after learning to meditate and meeting and feeling the power of meditation through my teacher Sunyata and Jnana, who had been showing me Chi Kung and Tai Chi movements. This is where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be around. I was definately coming back to San Diego.

I would move back to the Bay Area for the ensuing 4 months to save some money and then move back down to San Diego to begin my courses at Coleman College. Or so I thought......

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Comments (5 of 5):
Re: A More Authent… been … 17 y
Re: maybe you're g… mindm… 18 y
maybe you're going… drofi… 18 y
Re: A More Authent… mindm… 18 y
A More Authentic s… moone… 18 y
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Blog Entries (6 of 6):
Learning to Meditate  18 y
Searching for a New Identity  18 y
Falling away of barriers and…  18 y
Socially acceptalbe Violence…  18 y
Where it all began...  18 y
A Journey of a Thousand Mile…  18 y

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