Searching for a New Identity
Finding yourself in a world of information.
An abundance of things to become, or people to be.
What do you choose to identify with? What attracts? What repulses?
Date: 6/29/2005 1:38:26 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2374 times
Once you realize that everything you are, or have been is just a dream, and usually someone elses dream, life can get really confusing. You still have to do the laundry, eat, drink to stay alive, and interact with others who have been created, conditioned, mechanized into movement by outsides sources with all but altruistic intent.
We have lost touch with our Self. But who are we? How does one act in this world?
Searching for a new identity wasn't as easy as buying a new suit. Well, if I could erase everything instantly that had to do with my old identidy and upload everything I wanted for my new identity, then maybe it could be. The problem is, I didn't know how to get rid of the old programming and finding the right new programs to upload and run on was more complicated then at first it seemed. Not to mention, you have to become concious enough, or "aware" enough of "thyself" to know what programming has been built into your thought patterns. You have to notice it, and disassociate yourself from it. This is a must. I worked, and am still working at this. But like I said, its a proccess. You have to also begin putting in new information that feeds your growth and your progress because nature abhores a void. You must put in the new while weeding out the old. Acting differently becoming a new person, a new being, shaving of the layers of the false self that have been piled high begins by reacting less, and contemplating your own thoughts and feelings more. Most of us take the way we think and feel for granted, as if thats WHO WE ARE, and what WE THINK. This is delussional. One has to realize that everything "we are" and "we think" is not us at all, it is a conglomeration of thought forms, ideas, patterns and constraints that have been passed down to us from outside sources. Their is programming much less inhibiting and allows to function in much more efficient, higher states of consciousness.
I was going down this road. Social Science with an emphasis in Sociology was my first attempt at trying to understand myself and society and the relationship that is formed between the two. I was able to study pscyhology, philosophy, history and my favorite sociology. I was able to break things down, anaylyze things an contemplate things constantly. I took thinks and integrated them into my intellectual thought patterns. I broke everything down, I looked for the roots. Why do I feel this way, or think that way. I found that many things I felt, thought, or believed, were not actually true, per say. They were relative to my perception and nothing more. This became really debasing and scary to say the least. One doesn't want to let go of his/her sense of belief, ideas and understanding, even if it can be seen to be only relative, a isolated perception. I also realized that although, because of my socialization and conditioning I shared similar perceptions to many around me in my society, my perception was singular, meaning I was completely isoloated in my unique perception of reality from any of the other 6 billion people on the planet. No body saw what I saw, thought what I thought, or experienced what I experienced, emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. WHAT A TRIP!! This infinite-ness of creatin was mind boggling.
I had to get a better view, I at least had to get a better perception which allowed me to see from many different relative perceptions at the same time, to not hold to any particular reality but have a frame of reference to each that I came in contact with. For this I need better programming, less reaction to the outsie world, and more inner observation and control of old patterns. I began reading many spiritual books, self-growth books, and smoking a lot of pot. Ok, so the pot did help my mental expansion during that period of time, eventually it became a hinderance to my evolution, at least in the fashion that I was using it.
With all the new ideas swimming in my head it was hard to ACT. I was stuck in my head, old patterns fighting with new ideas, a plethora of new ideas. To many paths to go down, too much information to process and integrate. Swimming in and endless sea of information and ideas, I was lost at sea without a paddle, drifting on the endless waves of thoughts and ideas which never stop teaming, and eternally flow in and out of material manifestation.
What would I become, how would I choose to think. If I created myself consciously, from scratch, what would that look like? What is the best way to make oneself? Forgetting what the T.V. said, what church said, what my parents said, what my teachers said. What ideas would I choose to go forth from. Whose thoughts would become my abode? What would rest in my mind and cause me to act or not act in conjunction which what reality? What perception. Overwhelmed to say the least, I plugged forward. Working meaningless jobs to pay bills, selling weed on the side to make it through college. Taking classes, some stimulating some restricting, always way below my potential. I knew I was vast, vast beyond this prison of mind that confined me. I wanted to break free, I wanted to be done with these limiting thoughts which bound me, But they were holding onto me, they were prison guards trying to keep me in a cell with no bars. Tyrants of mind. Slavery could not longer be practiced by physical force, but with the realm of thought controlled, with mind being subjugated, slavery still exists. I was enslaved, my freedom of thought had been taken from me. I had been programmed. I wanted free of these limiting ideas more and more every day, to seek oblivion and live amongst the stars with the divine essence of my being. I wanted to dissolve, I was tired of this silly and insanely meaningless teaming of thought forms and ideas which have no connection, no soul, no divinity. I wanted to scream. On occasion, I did. I drank myself into oblivion, smoked myself to oblivion, I chased women, but I knew, deep inside, in the remote regions of my being that running, and distracting myself wouldn't help, and only make things more miserable, I had to become, I had to do the work. I had to uproot the lies that were in my head, I had to see beyond the relativity I had to attain higher states of mind. I had to become that which was true, beyond perception, beyond relativity. I had to become divinity in itself. I had to become an illumed soul, I had to attain enlightenment. I knew the power was limitless, the balance was percise, the wisdom inneffalbe. Anything was possible. Seeing outside the box was a way it had to be. I knew all of this, but it didn't matter that I knew it, it changed nothing, because the work still had to be done. I had to act.
Action can be thought, can be physical. I thought through things, I still do, but I read, took on new thoughts and ideas, I rejected old patters and made changes to my being. This all taking place while I was in school at San Diego State University. It was hard in the in between places, an old thought idea pulling you in one direction and a new one pulling you in another. Leaving you split in two, literally torn apart at the seems. Awarenesses have a hold of you, thoughts rule you. You give them live and they like that life, they don't want to lose it, to lose you. They are no more or less real than anything else. Just like an animal that is cornered gets ready to attack, so a thought that you try to let go of seems to barrage your mind and make a counter attack back into your consciousness. In psychology they have a term for this, "extinction burst". Its the last attempt of a thought, patter or behavior at holding on to you, to your mind, before you finally conquer it. This I felt and still feel often. I was killing parts of myself, starving them. But not to worry, they were never really me, just false thoughts and ideas about self that had been transfixed into my mind. I would cut them down, I am a warrior, and warriors vanquish foes who seek to steal their peace.
These foes usually manifest internally, when the battle is a battle for consciousness.
After much searching reading and journeying, I was to find myself studying eastern philosophy, Daoism, Buddhism and things in this realm. I was becoming much more attuned to ancient truths and spirituality was beginning to find its way back into my life. Little did I know that a life changing experience was about to present itself to me, little did I know that a turn in my path was about to happen and shift my life, myself, and my perception forever......
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