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a bad time
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Date: 12/11/2005 11:05:32 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2599 times that's what i've been having lately. it's probably partly due to PMS. every month i think i'm spiraling back downward, mentally, until the cramps begin, and i realize it was just PMS. but it is scary. it's eerie how much PMS feels like the fall into depression. let's hope it lets up again this month, like it usually does.
but things are not good right now, so there's definitely reason to feel bad. my family is full of tension, and i am experiencing flare-ups of real hate towards various family members. i'm trying very hard to let that go. but i'm not really succeeding. m. is being awful. how can you support someone who won't talk to you, and who just ignores you? i know the holidays are hard for him, but god, do six months of every year have to be spent in misery, just because of their dates? i mean, when both partners suffer from depression, you're pretty much guaranteed to spend a good portion of the year miserable anyway, so i hate the fact that, in addition to whatever happens during the rest of the year, i'm guaranteed to be living with a grouchy, mean person from mid-november through january.
there's no doubt that it's difficult living with someone with depression, and i know that he has to deal with me when i am depressed. but i do think you can make it easier for your partner by being upfront about what's going on, and about what you're doing to try to make things improve. m. does not agree. if he's depressed, he simply acts like jerk until i get mad or until i ask him what's wrong, and then he yells at me about all my flaws. it is extremely unpleasant, especially if i start out the conversation by saying "is there something i can do to help?" generally, after an hour or so of insults, once i'm crying and furious, he'll launch into some big teary speech about how depressed he is. that just does not seem very fair to me. more than once i've asked him whether we just can bypass the screaming and just get to the real problem, but that never seems to work. i'm tired of it.
and strangely, though i know his words are meant to make me feel bad about myself, they only succeed in making me hate him. more than anything, they make me not respect him. i have a pretty good grasp upon what my flaws are, and though i notice them (and try to work on them), i don't think they make me a bad person. by pointing them out in an insulting way, he just makes me think that he's pathetic, not that there's something wrong with me.
it's difficult for me to know what to do. there is no doubt (as i've mentioned before) that being in a relationship has a stabilizing effect on me. the emotional troughs are just not so low when i have a partner, and i know all too well how low they can be. i may have good qualities, but i am also a "special needs" person. my parents are tired of dealing with me, and i can't afford to move out if i don't move home for a while (which they do not want). i also can't afford to have another breakdown on my own. and breaking up with him is almost certainly going to precipitate a breakdown. and so, i find myself stuck. all i can do is save up enough money so that i buy myself some freedom. freedom to live on my own, freedom to take time off work if i have a breakdown. it's not exactly the life i dreamed about when i was a kid.
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