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Terrifying morning
Haunting moments with
Money Numbers
Date: 7/14/2006 2:06:17 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1689 times
10:09 PM
July 14
Had a good counseling session
this eve
with Judtih Larkin Reno.
I feel empowered.
More tomorrow.
11:19 AM
July 14, 06
Came up for air,
been down in the Crack
working with Money Numbers.
It is hard to fathom the interwhined
emotions that come up when I hit
a stumbling place with numbers.
Some of it is just not reasonable.
This morning I started the day
clearing my head and giving myself
therapy for the progress I wanted to make.
I want to generate various kinds of reports
and get a sense of Income vs. expenses for the house
so I can take next steps toward working
to get full ownership here. It is mainly the
figuring out the numbers that knocks me for a loop,
even though I do have helpers in the wings.
I will have to expose my self to agencies and
scrutiny perhaps and this scares me.
That is why I am attempting to improve systems.
I am SLOWING down enough to look at
how some of these reports are generated
and how to improve making them, using
Quicken, my electronic payment program
and recordkeeping software.
I fell into the City of San Diego
Water Department Site,
and thought that perhaps I could simplify
by signing up for their new Epay service.
45 minutes later I was ready for the mental
asylum. I made two calls. I followed
the procedures. I could find out how much I owned
for a living person, but on the computer,
but even after getting
a message "Your Account was entered successfully!"
but I never received the email to allow me
get functional with seeing the bills on line.
I started to feel anxious that I did not get
the email.
I could not use the logon....those try again
message, can't log you in,
started triggering my feelings of incompetence.
It has taken me weeks just to slow down
and say no to most of my distractions
to be willing to deal with the lack of literacy
that comes up for me when I attempt
to work my current earth plane systems or improve them.
IT is a Hurclean task. I am just not all here
and made a lot of messes.
I know there are people who can help,
but all these feelings come up:
Intense anxiety,
panic, incompetence,
not good enough.
This is all the stuff in the Crack below the
first couple weeks issues of
"Oh My God, what is happening to the world
while I am wasting away doing this????"
I started feeling so isolated, and lonely.
so in need of human contact.
So this past week I have surrendered
to the process, and it is painstaking.
I am making progress, but it is slow going.
I can relate to those people who are in hiding
that they can't read
although they are an adult That is how it
feels with me and math. I can do somethings
thanks to the computer, and its abiltiy to
calculate, but I get stymied with the thinking
needed.
Most of the successes I have in life
are based on listening and getting guidance.
My mind is all over the map of consciousness.
I am a Traveling by night.
On occasion, by day, I dip into my Soul energies.
I imagine if I were not this blown apart
in this worldly area of my life...I would have never
discovered the deeper, harmonies of LIfe
that are Soul generated.
My body is allowing me to sit to do this.
I am taking a lot of naps.
Sometimes I just lie down with an Angel
Card of Michael and a Bible on me.
This sounds pretty absurd to get this bent
out of shape by numbers....
I have heard it said that genius is by nature
imbalanced. Genius is a capacity to dip in
to the inner worlds and bring it present....
I am grateful for so many moments when I
have done this.
.I also had a touch in from one of my
coaches who said she holds me in a very
special place in her heart...She says
I am a Magician and Poet.
Yesterday, I ran into another computer energy
bomb and I definitely pulled out the Magician
card...
Listen to this...
Last week my computer went wacko.
I couldn't open the desktop window.
Norton Utilties fixed that. Luckily I have
a back up Mac for such purposes.
Then, I backed up...I slowed down to take care
of the normal things that a person needs to do
who depends on a computer.
So I back up...then I lose my ability to print
because I back up!
The Printer will not function....More anxiety.
So yesterday, I called Hewlett Packard.
We spent one hour on the phone...repeating
over and over procedures and reinstalls and deinstalls.
Finally the Tech gives up, and says, there is something
deeply wrong with the computer. She tells me
to reinstall the WHOLE Operating System.
Great.
Then, I took a nap, and the Magician came in.
Something told me to attempt to find a printer element
on my backup Mac. I was able to do this. My anxiety
lessened seeing I could print here.
Then, I discovered I could find the same needle
in a haystack minor printer part on my external drive.
The External Drive
is not normally indexed, I thought.
I put this part, on the Dysfunctional Mac
without a clue if this would help, but it felt Right
to do so.
Guess what? It started to print fine!!!
How did I know to do that????
The Magician.
The dangerous part is relying on this
and not developing the human capacities
and strengths that most people have.
There is also the same kind of Magic
between my Best Friend and me at times.
I had this broken lock stuck in my computer
for six months. The experts said, Hack saw it off,
but be careful not to destroy your computer!!
The stuck lock was in the room during
the night that I made love with Best Friend.
Guess what? By morning,
the lock fell out. We didn't do anything...
except make love!
Two Magicians at play....
I am so grateful for the successful projects
I have done this Spring and early Summer,
including getting organic locally grown food
in the local Whole Foods.
I salute my courage to attempt to go into this
Crack UP place to get more confidence
and strength
in the face of so many unresolved
issues dammed inside me here.
I am crying inside, and very frightened
but feeling better now...
now..
now.
Slow down, Goldman,
breathe. You are making progress.
your eg
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