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Friday 25/2/2005
Is it always going to be like this?
Date: 2/25/2005 9:56:28 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1879 times I'm almost back to normal today. The pain is duller. But I'm not sure I'm glad. I just don't want to continue riding this moving footpath through my life. That's what it feels like, like I'm on one of those things, only its underwater and there's loads of other people on it too and I'm chained to them. At least if I snapped I wouldn't be here anymore.
I cut my right arm today, just once, vertically.
I'm worried about trying to kill myself and messing it up. There's only one thing at all that I'm afraid of, being a prisoner. If they put me in a mental hospital I will be dead as soon as I possibly can be.
Another thing I was thinking about on Wednesday is having children. I think I'd be a very good mother (I know I'm suicidal but apart from that). But I don't think I could in good conscience bring another life into this world. Life is suffering. At the same time I don't wish I'd never existed. (I think maybe I wasn't meant to but the reasons for that are complicated.) I wonder if I had a child would they be as messed up and unhappy as I am? My family isn't exactly a perfect picture of mental health. My sister's the sanest and she's adopted so maybe this stuff is hereditary. I don't know. I don't want to turn out like my mum.
I was also considering what we as human beings do to our children. We take these perfect innocent little people and we destroy them, just because that's how our society functions. We send them to school to learn unfairness, unquestioning obedience, inequality, fear, helplessness and that they're opinion is worthless. Why?
Ba mhaith liom stop. Tá mé san uisce. Tá duine éile anseo freisin. Ni mhaith liom bíonn anseo.
Ghear mé mo leamh dheas innú, am amhain.
Ní íos agam cén fath.
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