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Monday 30/4/2007 17 y
Last week my parents house went on fire and my friend was put in hospital for the second time by the same guy.
I’m on a work placement at the moment. I have to do it as part of my degree. But I don’t want to. I think I’d rather do just about anything than work in an office. I don’t think there is anything I actually want to do though. I know I’m whinging but right now I don’t care. I want so badly just to opt out.
Everything I look down and see breasts and hips I’m disgusted. I can’t talk to people without making a fool of myself. I’m incapable of being happy. And there’s no way OUT.
Numbness & Drama are what my life’s made of at the moment. I just want to sleep all the time. I just want to close ... read more Wednesday 29/10/2006 18 y
Stop the world. I want to get off.
Just out of curiosity, does anyone know where that quote comes from?
Anyway...
I’m sick in bed at the moment and have been for the last week or two. I’m getting better now. The thing is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to college. I don’t want to talk to people or make decisions. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to live.
When I look into the future I don’t see anything changing. I see a life I’ve no interest in, continuing for decades.
I don’t want children, or to marry, or to have a job.
I don’t want to sleepwalk through my life. But I don’t have a choice.
I know ... read more Tuesday 12/9/2006 18 y
I want to be a good friend. But I can't.
Ba mhaith liom bionn cara maith. Ach nil me abalta.
I’ve mentioned my friend Mike before. I care a lot about him. But the last week (in particular) he’s been shouting down the phone at me about how I’m a crap friend and can rot for all he cares ect... Before you think Mike is a complete arsehole I should point out that he has a LOT of problems and his mind doesn’t work in any normal way. I’m the only good friend he has in this country. And he’s pissed because I don’t spend much time with him. But it’s not that I get a kick out of annoying him (which he seems to think). I can’t hang out with any of my other friends when I’m with Mike cause t ... read more Monday 4/9/2006 18 y
Old photos/Are kids depressed
My mum decided to clean out the attic. I don’t live at home anymore but I was helping out anyway. We found loads of old photos and I was putting them in albums. A lot of them were of me as a little kid. My mum kept commenting that I was so happy then before I got ’complex’. (I think she was refering to my taste in music and clothes though I’m not sure.)
But I wasn’t happy then (when I was ’normal’) either. I can remember. I can remember back to when I was 1 actually, though I only have clear memories from about 3. I can’t remember how I felt that young but I DO remember that by the time I ... read more Sunday 6/8/2006 18 y
Trying to cope.
Right now I’m trying not to cut myself. I haven’t in a few weeks which is really good for me. But I think I’m going to very soon. I’m just not good at dealing with stress.
I want to scream untill my lungs bleed and tear the world apart. Then maybe someone who cares can rebuild it without all the shit and disease.
Or maybe that’s just life. visit the page Sunday 6/8/2006 18 y
Just to let you know I'm still alive.
Well, it’s been a year and a half since I last posted. I’m not so good at getting things done. Loads of stuff’s happened obviously but I don’t feel like typing it all out. By the way, if anyone wants to see some (very old) pictures of minor injuries I gave my self I have a few up on psych.org. Here’s another short poem I wrote:
Six feet down
Beneath the dirt
No more joy
No more hurt
Bheul, ni sciobh me anseo in am fado. Nil me ro-mhaith ag deanamh rudi. Ni mhaith liom scriobh gach rud o an bhliann seo. visit the page Thursday 28/4/2005 19 y
Two more poems ...
Dá dání éile
This first one is called ”My Choice”.
It’s my life
No matter how many chains you forge
No matter how little choice I have
It’s still mine.
You give it, unasked for.
You take it, by force.
But I am valid.
Just as much as you.
Love shouldn’t be like this.
I’m only hear so as not to hurt you;
Living in this world,
Wrapped in barbed wire.
You can crack me open.
You can hold me down.
But never forget:
It’s my choice to bleed.
This one is called ”Just Wrong”.
Nothing makes sence.
My head’s starting to hurt,
With all this confusion,
Between death and birth.
The ... read more Thursday 31/3/2005 19 y
The theraputic value of beating the shit out of eachother to music
Hands up who knows what moshing is!
Anyway went to a concert yesterday with Micheal (Good Charlot in case you are wondering). That has got to be the best stress relief ever. A hundred times better than cutting (though unfortunately a lot less immediately available). The moshing wasn’t even particularly good but it was still brilliant. If everyone could do that shit everynight they’d be happy. Deaf but happy.
Chuaigh mé go dtí cheolchoirm inné le Micheal. visit the page Thursday 24/3/2005 19 y
a poem I wrote called "No Evil"
Bleed in silence
With screams that no one hears
Claw at the prison
Lacerate the flesh
Trapped in the darkness
Cause they’ve closed their eyes visit the page Friday 18/3/2005 19 y
Thinking about my boyfriend
Yea I know it’s a bit of a change of topic but I feel like writting about Micheal (who’s a different person to Mike). We have been going out for 7 months. I love him. (Don’t know if I’m in love with him. I certainly find him hot though.) He says he loves me and I believe him.
He’s so innocent. I don’t know how he manages it.
I like him. And I like touching him. (For some reason I’m attracted to people who are ridiculously thin. He only weighs eight and a half stone.)
But I’m so scared of hurting him.
I have dreams and thoughts where people are horribly tortured. Sometimes I’m the one g ... read more Tuesday 15/3/2005 19 y
Why I'm not medicated.
I did some test on the internet recently, just cause I enjoy it. I did a good few for depession. They all came back saying I was either moderately or sevearly depressed. Not very surprising.
I bet you’re wondering why I don’t just take the medication that’s been offered to me.
The truth is I don’t want to. I don’t want to change the person I am. If I’m not happy so be it. This world isn’t a happy place. Everyone isn’t the same. And I don’t want to be just like eveybody else. I realised when I was fourteen that I was better than that. So the world is just going to have to accept me the wa ... read more Friday 25/2/2005 19 y
Is it always going to be like this?
I’m almost back to normal today. The pain is duller. But I’m not sure I’m glad. I just don’t want to continue riding this moving footpath through my life. That’s what it feels like, like I’m on one of those things, only its underwater and there’s loads of other people on it too and I’m chained to them. At least if I snapped I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I cut my right arm today, just once, vertically.
I’m worried about trying to kill myself and messing it up. There’s only one thing at all that I’m afraid of, being a prisoner. If they put me in a mental hospital I will be dead as soon a ... read more Thursday 24/2/2005 19 y
An upseting incident and realisations.
I have realised that I really do not want to live in this world.
I’ve tried to kill myself many times (mainly between the ages of 13 and 15). But I’d managed to convince myself that I just wasn’t thinking clearly then, didn’t realise the consequences of what I was doing. But that’s not true. At this moment two sharp pulls of a blade seem preferable to continuing this existance.
One of my best friend ran away from home again yesterday. I got a message on my phone of him crying and screaming at me to pick up, to please be in. I couldn’t ring him back, he’d rung from a call center in tow ... read more Wednesday 23/2/2005 19 y
apathy and insignificance
I could do stuff. I could invent things or make scientific discoveries. f***, I’m certainly smart enough! I could be remembered in dull books and have something named after me. But I don’t seem to have the will to care. I just couldn’t be bothered. I’m so f***ing bored with life. I want to run and scream and at the same time I just want to daydream it away. Maybe I’m horribly selfish. Maybe I’m wasting my potential. Maybe I’m slowly killing myself. But I can’t see why it matters. I can’t see why anything matters. We’re flashes of light beneath a microscope, glorious for a millisecond. Then ... read more Friday 18/2/2005 19 y
haven't written it yet
So far a pretty good day. I have to go back to my parents’ house latter though. At least they won’t be there. I don’t know why they feel they can order me to go there. I don’t know why I obey. It’s not like I ask them for anything. I pay my own rent and thankfully I’m exempt from college fees. (Note for people not from Ireland: college and university are basically the same thing here.)
Things don’t ever seem to work out. It makes me want to scream (but I can’t) and cut. I know I shouldn’t cause it upsets the people who care about me but I need it to release the tension. I tried to kill my ... read more |