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parasite fast: day 6
Sadly, I broke my fast. I was depressed and have a very old habit of reaching out for food for comfort when depressed. But, I am not giving up! Found some great new concepts and ways for dealing with depression. I can do this!
Date: 2/3/2010 8:33:08 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1405 times Oh dear. Bad day. I have been diagnosed cyclothymic (sp?) by a number of docs, which is a form of Bipolar where there is mild to moderate, frequent mood swings. Fasting makes my moods swing very very rapidly. I am going from depressed to hypomanic (I never get really manic) and back again in 24 hours.
Well, today all alone at home as usual, I declined in mood and caved. I should say that I am quite alone and when I am depressed I feel more alone that I actually am. I have a tough history so when depressed my self esteem and sense of self-efficacy slide dramatically. Being in my house alone with a giant fear of failure depresses me. Well, this is what happened today. I was trying to do things and it became harder and harder. Harder to focus and harder to find the will and energy. My mood and self esteem slid. I curled up on the couch and tried to get myself to do things. My fear of failure was acute. Then I got hunger pangs. I tried just to notice them, and told myself they were just temporary. But they lingered. Fasting while depressed is a real challenge for me because the two things that comfort me the most, and I mean comfort! as I realized today, are as with many people, food and television. The television wasn't cutting it. I thought, "I can't do this."--classic depressive negative statement. And I jumped up and attacked a bag of almonds. I ate delicious almonds and then I opened up a can of salmon, poured olive oil all over it and ate it up. Then I ate more almonds, and THEN I opened up a can of beans, heated them and ate them. I was worried that this was going to shock my system. Oh, but it comforted me so. Writing this is good because it helps me to step back and observe how I felt. I melted into the couch in relieved contentment. About a half hour later my mood rose. Bipolar definitely responds to nutrients.
I immediately decided I was not giving up. I found a great book on Amazon that gave me fresh ideas on coping when depressed: The Mindful Way Through Depression. I highly recommend it. I am more affected these days by low self esteem and nasty negative thoughts than I am by biochemical depression. I can do this!
I will be back at it tomorrow. I can't think, "I can't do this." I CAN do this. I wish I had a coach I could call, but finding someone who I think really helps has been elusive for me. Good books help more. Any suggestions/support would be lovely.
I tend to give up on things I start, which is a negative spiral because I tend to give up because I have failed in the past. Mindfulness is cool because it helps break those spirals. I CAN do this.
Cheers
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