Memoirs: Being sorry

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Sometimes, sorry comes way to late. Sometimes, being sorry is not enough. I was fighting with my husband over "junk" and I was so angry. I screamed, "I can't wait till you leave." I hated him at that moment, more than you can imagine. My life was terrible and I was living in a store. Imagine someone as important as me living in a store with no food, no heating and not even a shower. Why was my life so terrible? The anger built up in me so much and I just exploded.

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Then all of a sudden, I hear this voice. The angel said to me, "Prepare to be alone, totally alone." He was angry too. My angel was angry. I always had angels with me and they had always been my friends, but today they were angry. I thought to myself, oh goodness, my husband is going to Tanzania, like he wanted. Thank God, I thought. I will finally have some peace.

The voice came again, "Prepare to be alone, totally alone." I became so frightened at this point and I ran to my husband and asked him to forgive me. I told him what happened and he just laughed. I was not laughing though and I held Mo in my arms and said, "Please forgive me." That night I could not sleep and I stayed up all night praying. I saw an Angel go to Mo and point at him. He pointed straight at my husband. I go and quickly wake up Mo and tell him what I saw and he told me, "I am not afraid Barbi, if it is the Angel of Death." I laughed at him and said, "No way, it was not the Angel of Death." But, I knew better.

Five days later Mo was gone. Five days, I could of been a better wife and five days I could of loved him more. The phone rings and the doctor told me that they had Mo and he had a stroke. He was dying in intensive care and there was nothing I could do to save him. So I sat with him day after day praying that God would take me in his place. I asked God over and over again to forgive me and take me instead, but my wish was never granted.

As he slipped away, I felt scared and lonely. But then one day, the Angel of Death came to Mo and he circled his wings around Mo and protected him. Then Mo was at peace and so was I. My husband died a beautiful death and he was happy. He died with me holding his hand and he died knowing we would be together soon. God promised me on that bed, that I would be with Mo in heaven and I felt happy. I told everyone what a brave man my husband was and how he died peaceful.

They laughed and scorned me because I was not sad. How could I be sad at his passing, when it was what God wanted? How could I not be happy with the life my husband had led? How could I not be thankful for the time we had together? But I was lonely and the days to come would be very hard on me.

From the first moment he died, I remembered the Angels words and I so prayed that I would be forgiven. As I figured when my husband died that I would remarry. That I would fall in love and be happy. I had done everything I was suppose to do. I had supported him, loved him, followed him everywhere and now it was time for me to be really happy.

But those words would haunt be daily and for the rest of my life. I never did remarry and every time I planned to get marry, something bad happened. I was always alone, always alone. The days made me hope that next year I will be forgiven and that I won't be alone anymore, but it never changes. I don't know why I get angry, I just do. I try to be good and to love everyone and do what I am suppose to do, but I am sad.

Sometimes being sorry is way to late and sometimes, one little thing we do, can ruin our whole life. Am I sorry some 7 years later, yes more than you can even imagine.

Learn more about this author, Barbi Trejo.

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