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Letter to Papa
Update on what appears to be the life-long healing journey, this time focused on basal cell carcinoma.
I saw my doctor in follow-up to having a third B-complex injection. Doctor also began looking at the psychological and emotional underpinnings to this tumor. It was suggested I communicate with my dad about an injury I received from him when I was a year old. This is the start of that letter.
Date: 4/14/2007 5:42:04 AM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2186 times I'm amazed at myself that I have been aware of a basal cell carcinoma at my left temple for close to a year now and I haven't even mentioned in any of my blogs! Then again I haven't been that active with my blog entries.
Following is the beginning of a letter I am writing to my dad.
"On Thursday, April 12th I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor and got a third B-complex injection at my left temple/healing site of the basal cell carcinoma. Since my doctor also works with alternative/complimentary healing she referred to that "other (the non-physical) dimension" during this visit and suggested it could be worth it to focus on what other things could be attributing to this situation. (Maybe some others would not agree to go beyond a basic physical approach when treating something that appears to be simply physical; or be willing to acknowledge where I am in relation to healing things, but fortunately, I am the one who gets to choose my own healing process.) After a couple moments of silence, as she was tuning into me, she began talking about me having unresolved parental issues. (I wasn't that impressed.) She continued talking along these lines describing a little of what she was seeing (although she said it was confusing to her and I didn't know what to make of that, whether the confusion was her problem or whether she was accurately seeing a state of confusion in me). She continued speaking in somewhat general terms and then she stopped talking to tune in to me some more. Then she spoke in terms of my having/having had more difficulty in my relationship with my father. Well then that spoke to me more definitely. She spoke some more along these lines and then I finally said it was a difficult relationship for me ever since I was about one and was slapped by my father so hard on the left side of my face that it left a red mark for a few days. So then my doctor acknowledged that. She asked if my father was still alive and I said yes and that we were in an on-going written correspondence with each other. She suggested that I communicate with him about this as an important part of the healing work that I now need to acknowledge for my own healing process. I agreed with her in support of this present healing process. She said that my father would be able to hear what I had to say and hearing that I was emotionally moved (in a potentially healing way) beginning to let go of my past identification with a belief that said otherwise about my dad.
And so I would like to continue my correspondence with you, dad and include my present experience of my healing process from my perspective through my words expressing my thoughts and feelings even though they may at times appear to be “bringing up the past”. Something that I promised I would not do with you. (By his request a number of years ago.) This is so interesting to me because for all that I am consciously aware of now I either don't have an issue to bring up with you or I am in denial of having an issue and if so then now I need to become conscious of my issue. Either way I'm not aware of having ... well I just became aware of something. I'm aware that I feel (although most of the time I avoid this feeling) uncomfortable about the idea of being alone with you. Now I'll admit that is a feeling that is 100% from the past, however as I am expressing it now in the present as my thing about me it is not about “bringing up the past” with you as far as I see it.
Although I started this letter by referring to a single incident that may have started the root cause of a slow growing cancer, I want to say that I had another injury at the same location when I was about twelve while riding my bike up the street next to xxxxxxx, (on xxxxxxx Avenue) and a ball unexpectedly hit my head at full speed after being hit with a bat from one of the guys playing ball in the school yard. I remember that it shocked and dazed me! I think Paul xxxxxxx came up to me and asked if I was OK and I just immediately said yah. But did I come home and tell anyone about it? No.
There are many other examples that I could give indicating my pattern of denial with regards to injuries. My pattern was predominately one of not talking about it, not emoting about it but denying the pain, denying feeling. I learned that kind of behavior at home and it has been a long hard rod for me to allow my feelings to move beyond all my denial. It wasn't until about 1982 (at about age 31) that I began to consciously break this particular pattern, however it has been a very slow process for me and there are plenty of later times when I was not allowing my feelings to move through me! In fact it has only been in the past two years that I saw a need to meet with a support group for the purpose of telling the truth about myself, my observations, my thoughts, my feelings and the truth of who I am. Imagine needing a support group to be myself! That's what I needed then. Now I need to write this. I'm realizing that what I'm writing is autobiographical and that I am not aware of having any issue other than a “concern” that this would be perceived as “bringing up the past”. And I don't know what to say if this is perceived that way other than to say remember The Four Agreements:
“Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of other, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.”
And maybe my good doctor had this or something like this in mind when she said that you will be able to hear what I say.
Now that I have addressed that concern (actually I first wrote “concer” and even though I automatically went to correct what I thought was simply a typo I saw that it looked like “cancer”. From concer/cancer to concern. Is there some kind of Freudian slip going on here? And how about con cer/con sir? (All that might be for my own private enjoyment. :D)
In addition to what I consider as a significant enough injury at age one, I also have had at least a couple sun burns and a heat lamp burn (that I am pretty sure included my face when I was staying at the YMCA on Irving Park Road). So altogether I believe there are several injuries that I have sustained that involved the left side of my face that also included the left temple area. Now I am learning that although physical things may seem to come and go that there are can be emotionally-charged physical impacts during (my) childhood that are very long lasting. It is possible for the physical to be more deeply effected including the possibility of DNA damage. I learned this from my longer term doctor relationship with John Shere. He had said some months ago that this tumor has its origins from DNA damaged at a very early age. He explained to me how that could happen. And he has been doing what he can to get the body aware of the situation so that self-healing can be more activated at that site.
I've just done a search on line regarding “dna damage+cancer” and found a site that refers to this. Fortunately they included on line message capacity and I requested more information on this topic. I have also done a search for long term development of cancer and sent an e-mail to the sites staff asking for reference information. I am willing to do my due diligence in writing about a connection between an injury 55 years ago and a cancer tumor.
Back to my biographical overview on this: essentially I have lived all my growing-up years and much of my adult life in fear of paternal anger/punishment and/or the threat of anger/punishment. The fear has been a part of my life ever since age one when that initial slap incident physically, psychologically and emotionally established the basis for me to live in fear. And periodic corporal and other kinds of punishment over the years continued reinforcing this fear. Some can say “that's the past” and I know that's the past yet this basal cell carcinoma at my left temple is part of my present and I now choose to heal it completely and, as I have written before, I believe there is an emotional root to cancer that, from my perspective, has to do with unresolved emotional issues. Also, from my perspective, the emotional issue belongs to the individual with the cancer and so I admit that all the emotional issues that I am referring to in this letter are mine and I take absolute, full and complete responsibility for all my issues which for me, however, doesn't mean I can't communicate with others about my issues!
I am actually thankful that I have this encouragement to communicate with you (about whatever unresolved issues I may still have about my “past” relationship with you) from my doctor and that it is completely in direct consideration of my healing the cancer. I feel supported by my doctor and feel committed to my own health, healing, recovery, etc.
Different people have different perspectives about the “past”. Some healers say that we can change the way we look at the past.
Louise Hay, international bestselling author of “You Can Heal Your Life” says: "Sometimes we need to experience a physical letting go. Experiences and emotions can get locked in the body." If that's the case then there are a number of ways to move the energy.
I believe that talking about it can be helpful when there is a history of suppressing talking. That was also part of my pattern of living under a no-talk rule and it is absolutely not a healthy thing for me! I was too young to realize the very unhealthy, self denying, life denying impact of suppressing self expression! The fact that it was the condition that I "grew-up" under only underscores that I had a handicap that I was (for all practical purposes) unaware of most of my life including when I agreed (under duress) not to talk about the past!"
From now on I am making a new promise firstly to myself and that is to tell the truth about what I am experiencing in body, soul, spirit, etc. From now on I choose to speak the truth of self and when I feel necessary I choose to speak the truth about my observations of others, as well as my thoughts, and feelings.
To be continued!
Thank you once again CureZone Community!
Highest blessings to all!
Chef Jem
Executive Producer:
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