Got reality? -

Effective communication with another requires sufficient affinity with that individual and sufficient reality. This entry is on the reality part.

I'm inspired to write this after hearing a friend share with me about his upsets in not getting certain respect for his living space from a new housemate who is reportedly filling the space with stuff. My friend knows and practices NVC (to the best of his ability) yet believes that the NVC model is limited when it comes to real life situations and especially when upset emotions have surfaced regarding broken agreements.

I had responded to my friend upon first hearing his report. At that time I told him that communication requires making a real connection with the other individual. "Connection" relates to the "affinity" part of the three most essential parts required to achieve a complete understanding (affinity, reality and communication). Now regaring the reality part.

Understanding requires a shared reailty. If another does not get the reality that you are speaking of there is inevitably going to be a disconnect and as much as they may "wag their head" appearing to agree with you the truth is they don't fully get it (the complete understanding that you want them to have)!

If whatever subject matter can not be made real to the other individual then all the communication efforts will not be complete and / or effective. On the other hand, once there is a shared reality between you and the other individual you will have that reality to build on (toward your goal of achieving an understanding that supports you and in a do-able way for the other individual)!

This is especially true when there are upset emotions involved (as is the case here). Making your upset emotions more real to the other individual may appear to be an effective way to communicate and achieve understanding however, those upset emotions are not the most objective and/or stable enough reality to build a relationship on. If we are talking about building a housemate reltionship then I am reasonably certain that what you really want is the stability that is sufficient to build that relationship. That stability will not be possible based on venting upset emotions because the "reality" of those emotuons will essentially vaporize once they have been vented!

Instead of relying on venting (and I am not saying don't vent) focus on the most objective reality in the situation. In this case the most objective reality is the living space that is inside the house. Consider this.: Get your new housemate to walk with you through the house and have as much of a 3D experience of the space as you can share with that individual. Make it real to their sences of sight, touch, as well as the sence of restricted movement. Then once you have that as a shared reality you will have that to build on along with the communication that you want to give. It may also help to add as much of your affinity with the individual all along while you are presenting the reality part. Then you will have a better connection plus a better base to communicate what you want.

Without Prejudice
By: Chef Jem
On The Land In the California Republic
and without the "United States"