Lets see if today I can write a better journal and be in a better headspace - working thru stuff!  Day 13 of Tradies here all day today, they were getting the central heat done - their 3rd visit for that and will be back for a few hours tomorrow finishing it - then the other guy rang just after they left and I had just run the bath thinking finally - and he wanted to pop in after 4 and fix the broken split system - told him could he come in an hour or just leave the door open and let himself in and he said that was too hard so he'll try another day - nice when they give you more then 10 mins notice but anyway.... another little spat with the agents today, they're also coming 4 days before Christmas with the owners in tow for their first 3 month inspection - to "check" on us they said - I told them what I thought of that and being 3 months with no heat, everything broken, illegal plumbing and no smoke alarms etc etc and being treated like we were somehow suspicious on top whilst having every week interrupted since we've got here with the house crawling with tradies and made a worksite we need to attend one or 2 days each week.  Not much to ask huh and doing heaps of free work for the owners also in that time with rooms full of water we can't use and constant fighting with the agents to make them fix things legally and not illegally.  Just lovely.  Anyway - after all this - things are getting fixed and better and the house is starting to shine - tomorrow will be day 14 of tradies, still leaving more to come for the leaks and the split system and the locksmith they seem to not have agreed to to cut keys for the doors we can't even open they never provided keys for.  

Well - patience is a virtue.  

I don't want the above to seem like complaining or an ongoing rant, maybe just how it is these days - a lot of tiresome business and time wasting in a world where care and decency and responsibility has taken a rapid decline.  It isn't a direction you'll find me going in and I don't recommend it.  Quality over quantity is one of my Guru's sayings, and he's right about everything lol, I'm absolutely blessed to have such great beings in my life.  I remember reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance when I was in highschool and it's sentiments have never left me - I love all his passages about old fashioned values in repair work and fixing and doing things properly not cutting corners and doing shoddy jobs.  You look at the old world and its craftsmanship and it's something to enjoy and marvel at and be inspired by for generations to come.  That's the kind of thing I admire.  

My fast is back on track - because it's cold and hard to get back onto it after a few days of eating a little while I was sick I warmed up a can of tomato soup and had a small sort of less than a cup of it yesterday - might finish it today if its too much might take me two days, other than that I've had a coffee, 2 pots of lemon and honey and cayenne tea with fenugreek seed and cinnamon tea bad added, did some neti neti in the bath and that combo helped ease the congestion and get my airways much clearer - feel fresh now and hydrated, I was getting pretty dehydrated again yesterday going back to the full fast (my style liquid milk fast) and today I'm doing better on it and those pots of clear tea were really good, I'm not having so much milk now - today milk wise I had a cocoa in the morning and some black tea with milk and honey - and the coffee had some 1/2 and 1/2 other than that it's been more of a warm watery tea afternoon - I've felt less like having milk probably the congested thing doesn't make me want that - so yesterday also I had a lot less and was drinking more kombucha and coconut water and clear things.  

I had my autistic guitarist and best friend over for a couple days yesterday and the eve and afternoon before - helping me figure out where to put all the art and then hanging it, he was pretty awful - had one near violent episode and was generally difficult and really in a state - he did in the end help a lot but it was not nice getting to that end - he's often like that to deal with and I get the brunt of his difficult stuff being the closest person to him and working with him these past 10 years - it got me down but I'm over that now and we renewed an old program or practice we had installed to help moderate this - a sort of course in being a gentle-man we're working on that he's promised and vowed to undertake seriously.  Sometimes the carer also needs care - he is jack difficult - and I have a lot else on my plate - still, I'm maintaining all this, made me think I might benefit from someone to talk to a bit myself though idk.  Get it off my chest and call lifeline or go to a group thing maybe once in awhile - maybe I'll do that but idk if I will.  The main thing I am doing is more mantras lots of dharma practice and using soothing rain and crystal bowl sounds time out, resting and retreating away from people in the evenings and giving myself space - baths and walks and just that kind of thing.  If I have some space I get back to my own equilibrium - no more reaching out for pain killers to deal with this - I enjoyed that enough and I can see now it does scramble my brains and make me more of a mess in many ways I don't want that crutch or those side effects - I might miss the fun of it, the time out and the bliss riding that but it's not as good as it seems there are downsides and consequences and it makes you weak and what it gives it takes in other ways - there's a balance to everything, medicine is for when you need it and I would only be indulgent and weakening myself now.  I can see why junkies say you never stop missing it - it is that nice.  Like love, oxy is like oxytocin - my real favorite high - there's nothing like being in love and that's much much better than any endone feeling.  Endone can't make you move mountains or go to the 4 corners of the earth, only love lifts you like that.  I'll be in a better shape to find that again retreating inward, distancing myself from negative influences and being diligent in caring for my health and wellbeing even if that is isolating at times, I'm appreciating that isolation more now and need to remind myself of that.  What I want is quality and I don't need quantity.  Just one best friend and person I'm in love with is most of what I need in life.  Outside that, I love my work as a musician and there's lots of nice stuff in life with friends all over and different places and people - so mainly I want to get to that next big step out of these sharehouses and find my person and be in the real life I want to be in, fulfilled - doing what matters to me and protected with that deep happiness.  It'll take time - it has, it is - main thing is to continue, not give up or crumble - just keep truckin.  

I am enjoying the fast, getting things done - haven't been able to do much exercise since that great yoga day and a bit of tai chi because the weather, getting sick and my foot acting up has all put a kaibosh on that but I might be able to start up again now with the bullworker and the days my foots ok do some more tai chi - should warm up after tomorrow then I could get back to yoga again 

I want to keep fasting from now right on through to my birthday mid jan and get to where I want to be leaner and stronger - I've made a good start but not there yet - starting to look younger and good - looking pretty good again and liking what I see in the mirror - except for getting older!!  We've become so ageist now, god I don't think from gen x down we accept age at all - its a total unbalanced cult of youth and I'm guilty as charged.  I don't like ageism though, it's really horrible and dehumanising and so dumb, my god we're all going to spend most of our life either too young or too old, the flame of youth is brief and while you have it you don't have the wisdom to make the most of it or know what power you possess.  We should venerate age and wisdom more - all ages, all stages and just love all of life.  Society is far too superficial and broken these days - its really awful but we don't have to follow that.  Good if we can step away back to ourselves and try not to be too effected by all the bad social media and programming and garbage, junk mails we need to delete my teacher says.... so true.  

Accepting and being honest about how things are - stepping back and getting a good view and making your own way forward in the right way.  The power of discipline and restraint seem very important to me now those and not being tugged around by emotion.  This is a big part of whats going on in me under the surface, deeply contemplating emptiness, impermanence, and these things.  Changing, getting stronger, doing away firmly with the different negative patterns that once had such a hold on me, turning myself away from these and patiently putting one foot in front of the other on the path that does liberate me from that.  

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