I worked today, working through some of the difficult stuff at that house full of drug addicts I manage, I kept cool and patient and paced myself through the work very nicely and the little obstacles that came up, they didn't stress me out or bother me the way they would have in the past.  The retreat in November was so powerful, my best friend has noticed I've gone up a level and I can see a big change.  

So I woke to guys messaging me that they'd had a major item stolen there, a big motorozed scooter worth a few thousand - so very upset and had called the cops - I had to be there at 1 to put a big wooden bed back together that a sober but mentally challenged former tenant had taken upon himself to turn up unannounced long after moving out and remove from the room without asking, making more work but anyway, one of the guys put it back together well for me today and I had to go source a double mattress and pick it up and transport it there because I think we had had one of those go missing as well or maybe we were just short one, not entirely sure anymore - and two new guys from Belgium moved in today, they had been miles out in the far far suburbs past the airport and struggling to find accom so they were relieved and happy to take two of the rooms a couple other guys left quickly probably because things and food had gone missing in the house and there are some issues there atm I need to get to the bottom of and stop.  Anyway, so I got the new guys locks for their doors and got another guy who is leaving because someone pinched his food and hairdryer he ordered to put their valueables in his room while they were out and got their rooms all made up and cut keys and talked to the guys and made some initial plans and everything was ok and all happy to keep working through stuff except the poor guy who lost his scooter was depressed and angry fairly enough.  We all think it is his old friend who's done it but not 100% sure.  

Anyway, after all that, the new keys I cut didn't work so that was a pain but we found the two keys I thought someone had pilfered and they weren't stolen after all which is great - and the guys are ok and I'll be back tomorrow to move another old guy who used to rent off me for a few years in because he's got in touch and needs a place and he'll fit in there fairly well - I was getting so frustrated the other day I was weighing up my options of whether or not to sign the house over to the occupants and wipe my hands of it - and I could do that, financially it would be ok anyway, and might do that if things don't clear up - but I don't think I will have to  do that and probably more my style to look after my responsibilities to their conclusion and just sort of get the ship on a more even keel, so I called in my old man with bikie brothers support he'll help bring order back to the mob even tho he is dodgy himself, he owes me a lot of money and I want to see if I can get some of it but anyway, he can help me out, he owes me more than that and he will do that, that's his style anyway.  

So after all that I was just tired, I wanted to go out and see my friends band and then go to my flatmates fashion launch things but I was really flat and just passed out - it was also a big spkie in temp today and the heat probably added to that - I've been drinking old fashioned soda thing I make when I'm fasting and its hot which is a tablespoon of chocolate sauce or something equivalent - I had some caramel ones with this dolche leche syrup I had today and another tablespoon or two of half and half and the rest, 90% of it soda water - had a tea and a coffee and some water as well and a glass of milk early on, and a little bit of pickle juice as I was so flat I was trying to see if anything would perk me up - in the end just resting and nightfall did.  

It's great I'm seeing my body come back to the way I like it, I still have pounds to shed even at 22 days and will probably take me another month really to be where I want to be - I also need to build my strength and exercise - it's been a long time since I did my full yoga, not since the end of last summer and since then I've practised chi gong and tai chi and some martial arts sporadically in between literal mountains of hard work and being sick - my injuries are much better, my tennis elbow is heaps better at last, I'm being careful not to hurt it or stress it but its much better and my fascia issues with my foot - feet is still a thing, I'm going to go see my chinese doctor about that, I'm managing but it is a chronic thing I need to treat and put behind me especially to get back to my full yoga.  Slowly slowly, anyway with the weather finally turning from freezing to hot that helps a lot - much easier to get into yoga in the heat!  And I enjoyed all the water today, I didn't feel like drinking water much at all in the cold weather.  Felt really nice changing to watery drinks.  

Musically things are going amazingly, the village still needs some more ironing out but its going to be ok - and this house we just moved into ditto - I'm just pacing myself, really I need to. I haven't had a quiet day since my return from the country and with fasting - kicking opiods - helping run a 7 day music festival, meeting rock stars I love and rehearsing with my band - then going out last night with Danny after practice to see all these top notch Sydney Jazz musicians and composer he knows play this score to a silent buster keaton film at fed Square - what a week it was - two weeks really because the festival ran right till weds then we had thurs off but I did stuff at the houses and friday band practice and that outing which was real special and lovely 

So yeah, wow - 

I am battling with the old things that are coming up a bit and make me want to take drugs again to ease the pain of them - but I'm staying strong and keep just putting one foot in front of the other and not going there.  It would be the easiest thing to just drink 3 or 5 mls of oxynorm and float in that blissfull state of not feeling pain or giving a shit high on my own love chemicals not needing someone else there - but I enjoyed that enough and it is done now.  My brain is working better, my wit and skills are sharper without it and I need that - I don't need indulgence and crutches and the hard facts of life are what they are - I'm just dealing with them.  I also kicked the manchild slug who was dragging me down to hell - I loved him to the ends of the earth and probably always will but I have wiped my hands of him and - just like the oxy, sure it would be the easiest thing in the world but nah.  He's out of my life just like it is.  

Its been brutal - a brutal 10 years without a boyfriend or partner, doesn't matter how stunning or successful or brilliant I am, or what I accomplish - the environment I live in celebrates the opposite anyway and I'm a strange bird that doesn't fit with plenty of cool people to hang out with if I want them and there's a handful of guys I could reach out to for some kind of superficial companionship which just doesn't interest me much at all - the loneliness and the lack of basic touch or hugs or affection - it eats at me - it has eaten at me constantly all these years but I'm learning now to live with it more, I'm going toward real success now and it won't be too much longer before I'm finally in a different environment with different opportunities.  One thing I can thank D for is changing me.  As much as he utterly stuffed me around and betrayed me.  And himself, and our dream.  Just another lost ghoul blowing in the wind that hangs around the windows of my counciosness like a lame useless banshee.  Soon the windows will be more clear and that spirit won't trouble me.  I'm just walking out - walking out of this desert into brush and forest and wetlands.  

I've been through enough now  can go the rest of the distance - I didn't go though all this for nothing.  The company I am keeping close, tho small is exceptional - like the stem of a flower soon to blossom.  I just need to work on me now and get shiny strong and ready  I was pretty down with the need for love thing today, I even contemplated putting some stupid app on my phone but I don't really believe in that - real connection comes in real life - it can happen that way but not now, I don't think I need that.  I guess I just need to let go and be patient and try to love myself and not long for that so much.  I end up exploring or reaching for things I don't really want simply because I'm beset with thirst for more and the vacuum.  Keeping busy definately helps.  Purposed works definately helps.  It can get unbalanced tho when I am sad and fatigued on the other side and not working working working.  Not good but its what I do a lot to deal with the pain of isolation, that hurts far more than all the other stuff combined, the constant rip offs, drama, mental illness, other kinds of abuse and betrayal and shallow materialism I could care less about.  

yada, yada.  

Somewhere there's high ground in this world 

Somewhere there's someone worth my while who's real and not gonna rip me off, bash me, betray me, stab knives of creepy fag ghoulish woke shit in my heart - some where there's a whole other dimension that is more like the peace I feel out in the Gar, or Svarna Dwipa - a wisdom place where beauty and grace continually refresh me.  Some land and places are like that and more like the dream of life than its stupid butchery.  True to life I'd say, not just so much war and slavery and poverty and ignorance.  I'm working to get to that higher ground where I can live in peace and love and hear more laughter - smile more and be in my own dimension.  

That's where I'm going - idk what else to say - I'm jut not going to stop.  I've had enough of being dragged down by a zillion people's lack of depth, discipline or connectedness.  

I might make some broth - the fasts been a little hard as I get deep in it, I'm doing it for a long time so some broth and salty water is good, it took me a week to eat that pho Chris bought me, we're heading to that part of the city again tomorrow and I'll buy another one, I didn't eat the noodles just the tendon and meat in very small amounts and the broth - that was good I'll do that again - that tendon did amazing stuff for healing my elbow... lol maybe I should eat some fascia for my feet - haha, I don't know that I need to build fascia though I think its just locked up and needs to be hard massaged and broken up so not sure its the same with that 

More soon - Hope I can provide some strength and inspiration to any of you reading, hearing the stuff I keep going thru and my ambition to get to a better place - water finds its own level - filtering thru hard rock, sand in the desert or whatever material.  And I keep drinking cream lol and that rises to the top - really tho I do truly long for the day I have a best friend beside me.  It can be lonely at the top.  I want to break my heart of glass and find freedom in going beyond need.  So now I am examining my mind and its chatter and my emotions and their chatter and turning these to mantra.  Its all unreal.  Phantoms that keep us from the vibration of peace.  I don't have to listen or feed those nagging feelings or voices anymore, I can turn them down like music I'm not into and tune in something else.  

Just as I've turned away from frenemies and chemical comforts - none of what I'm seeking is to be found in these bullshit places.  It is hard to find, that's why its precious.  I need to find faith and strength and courage and I don't know somehow accept the pain and not mind it so much.  It feels like an iron around my ankle that I don't need - more lies I guess.  We are made for each other tho? 

Monks go beyond this, Bodhisattvas go beyond this.  I never thought I could be strong enough and I never wanted to lay this aside - I'm not laying it aside in the sense that it's not welcome - I just want to live without seeking for awhile and let it find me but I don't know if I can switch that part of me off.  I guess its more about letting go and being in a good place in my hermitage work life and those things will come when they come.  

not grasping 

its like a need for water or air so its no wonder I sought relief in drugs or people or went mad in circles - this dissolves in mantra, maybe I'm more honest, maybe I'm more needy, idk - my gurus would tell me have compassion for yourself, I am sick of this being like a shadow in my life, how can this shadow become fuel?  

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