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Who am I?
Pablo Picasso:
All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
Will post once it is finished
Date: 10/10/2006 9:22:05 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2446 times
“Not to be cheered by praise, not to be grieved by blame, but to know thoroughly one's own virtues or powers are the characteristics of an excellent man.”
Satchel Paige quotes
"Who am I?" was a question I posed myself at the start of this prolong water fast. Today, I had an illuminating moment while watching Oprah's "The Womb Wound", which gave me a preliminary insight into who I really am.
I will start out by attempting to map out my 20 years followed by a letter to my younger self.
1. 0-5 yrs--Phase of carefree-ness
2.6-10 YRS--Phase of fear and low self-esteem
3. 11-15 yrs--Phase of premature independence and precocity
4. 16-20yrs--Phase of recapitulating and reorganizing my life
I am not a child psyhologist or a professional therapist, but from the wisdom and experience I imbibe from respectable individuals and books, I will attempt to help better understand myself so I may truly "break free from the chains of my past". For my readers, I hope that I may serve as a model and a beacon of hope when it comes to your personal self-discovery.
The crux of our life's puzzle, I believe, lies in our childhood--that is where it all begins(well, a foetus may well be developing too). During out developmental years, we grow rapidly, are incredibly attuned to signals from our surroundings and involve ourselves in what instinctively feels good. There are 3 conduits of developmental influences, namely family, institution and media. Fundamentally though, the factor that can truly lay down the firmest foundation of a child's set of beliefs--about self and others--is family.
0-5 yrs--Phase of carefree-ness
Pamela Glenconner:
Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.
I consider myself lucky during these ages because it was only until a few years later how poor my parents were in nurturing me(understand that I am not find someone or something culpable to my difficult development, but I am speaking in relative terms to the degree of influence--positive and negative--different factors affecting me). I went to 2 kindergartens and was in a childcare centre after school everyday. These institutions kept me busy, but playfully busy and I entertained with great ardour the joy and excitement of going to school everyday. Although in kindergarten, I found my teachers rather unpleasant, it seemed I was able to block out anything that didn;t "feel good" and chanelled my energies into things that made me "feel good". I learnt english, mathematics, chinese and loved art and singing. Friends with like minds made school extra fun. Childcare was far better as the guardians were professionally trained in nurturing children. We were disciplined to take proper tea(always apple and milk), naps, study, play,dinners, laugh and most of all, shut up. During this phase, my parents were essentially missing.
If I were to describe this phase, it would be "short but full of innocent laughter".
6-10 yrs--Phase of fear and low self-esteem
Marian Wright Edelman:
If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won't either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out.
The advent of my parents greater presence in my life from the start of primary school was my first sign to trouble. In the technical aspect, I was out of childcare centre by now and spending my post-school hours at home. Like all parents, my parents gave me, what they felt, checked the list of parent duties--fetched me to and from school, cooked meals, washed my clothes, made my bed, disciplined me when I misbehaved. It sttikes me as a wonder that we actually sat down as a family to have dinner at that time--that was about over 10 years ago.
There were 2 major problems:
1. My parents, I finally understand, are very paranoid and ignorant. They had extremely heated tempers that often boiled over and presented as physical fights in front of me. My father, who was dedicated to climbing up the professional ladder, kept a distant from me. His only relationship with me was to present me pocket money and to discipline me, this time using very abusive methods. My mother, on the other hand, has an equally pessimistic outlook on life as my father. She did not have a sense of security and was not a happy woman; the need for having a brilliant daughter manifested as a method for her to heal and to give others a run for their money when comparing children capabilities. She was verbally and physically harsh. I was truly frghtened for my life at 9 for not only were my interests circumscibed eg. sports, but the physical horror I came back to everyday was extremely traumatic.
2. Maybe it is in the genes or it is a divine gift, but I have come to notice how set certain parts of my personality was at such a tender age. One is my judiciousness, never accepting what is subtly or outrightly wrong and always defiant becuase I wanted to litmus-test the validity of the explanation to any instruction. Next, I liked to win, to be superior in everything I did--but I did not know why.
8th year began the path to low self-esteem. My mother was never kindly or sensitive to me, or more accurately, she lives with utter oblivion to how impactful the tiniest action or word is to herself and others. She derided, criticized, cussed me--at home or in public--and the teasing of "fat kid" began my series of imminent nightmares.
If I were to look back at the whole process, what was the missing piece to my life is self-esteem. All the other traits or exhibited qualities were secondary. I will seek to unravel this as I go on.
10th year was a turning point for me where I made a life-changing decision to firmy and bravely chase my parents out of my life and tackle all academic decisions in my life. This took the pressure off facing the physcial abuse almost everyday.This was also the first sign of a rapidly cooling bond between parent and child. Very soon, they quickly disappeared. Even dinners were no longer eaten together.
Rachel Carson:
If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.
“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!”
Anne Frank quotes (German Jewish girl Author of a diary of her family's two years in hiding during World War II, 1929-1945)
Leo Rosten:
You can understand and relate to most people better if you look at them -- no matter how old or impressive they may be -- as if they are children. For most of us never really grow up or mature all that much -- we simply grow taller. O, to be sure, we laugh less and play less and wear uncomfortable disguises like adults, but beneath the costume is the child we always are, whose needs are simple, whose daily life is still best described by fairy tales.
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