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chemically depraved
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Date: 2/13/2011 9:20:48 AM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 32488 times my body is chemically depraved of what others have an abundance of. I am convinced. I am lonely to the core and nothing seems okay. This is just another day of a lifetime of emptiness.
I have eaten a good breakfast, read 7 meditation books and journaled to them, cleaned my house, did my hair and make up and I look very well. I just want to cry, take a pill and go to sleep. That, I am convinced, is chemical depravity. I even took the Busprione prescribed to me. Is there hope for me? What will it take for my brain to 'click into place' and be like the rest of the human race? Is it an illusion I am chasing? Are others like this?
I did all the actions last night I said I would. I was in bed by 8:45pm. I am still tired. I am just f***ing lonely. Being around people makes me want to jump out of my skin because I need them so much, yet I crave them too.
So, off to work. Salad in tow. Peanut butter and horseradish for cravings.
I just don't want to adopt a 'positive attitude' right now. It just falls apart again and again and again.
My sponsor is worthless. Just help someone else! I'm in rural New England. There are no low bottom drunks in this village of 900. I seem to be it.
I will go to to work, be helpful to all there. I will smile, I will pretend I am okay. I will pretend I have hope.
I will not eat sugar to elevate my mood. I will go for a walk in the winter wonderland.
*hug*
half-hearted as it is
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