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next steps
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Date: 12/11/2010 6:21:09 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 29365 times I realized today that I tend to throw insults when I am weakened and scared out of my mind. Not a pretty realization and it hurts to acknowlege that this is what I do.
I love my Ex's; I really do. It's the combat mouth I have that helps them to not love me.
That's partly why, a very big 'partly why', I am vegan. I wish to become gentle from the inside out. I wish my demeanor to be soft, vulnerable, wise, brave, and strong. Soft is the first word in that description.
I am flailing today, at best. I have been crying for two days over the break up with Ex#2 and it has been 2 months that we've been apart. I am really, really feeling it now that I've put down the food. It is rocking my foundation and I am questioning my sanity today. I see families with their kids skiing at work and I just go to the closet or car and lose my mind. Can I really be middle aged and a childless mother? Can I really be hated by my step children as deeply as I am told by Ex #2? Does Ex #2 really hate me as deeply as his actions tell me? Be brave, the answer is yes. That's why I ate and ate and ate. It feels so much better to stuff cookies and soda in my mouth than see this, feel this, and then ultimately, believe this.
I came back, I was sober, I was vegan, put myself through a training program and passed the exam. For some this may seem just another day. I surpassed the behaviors of both parents and most of my siblings in that small description. There was nothing familiar about what I did or who I was becoming. Then, Ex#2 says he loves me. I jumped in with both feet and my entire heart. People warned me to wait and see. I thought that if what he said was true, I was the broken one - then now that I am 'better' we can now thrive into health in this relationship. Well, obviously that's not how it works. It was not how it worked. I gave my heart and soul to get this to work and it just won't. I am devastated. My identity is wavering and I just don't know that I want to move on from this. I struggle letting go. We are not even 'friends'. His idea of friendship is that we say 'hi' in passing. Sorry - stay out of my meetings. I cannot be used sexually and be 'friends'. I cannot take the entire blame for why this doesn't work and be 'friends'. I was warned, fair and square. Stupid me. He shared his undying love and admiration for me in the meeting one night and I had a panic attack at 1am and called him. He said he didn't want to talk about it and he didn't have to if he didn't want to. True. However, that public confession of love coupled with behind the scenes neglect was exactly what I went through with him after my son died. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Now what. Well, feed my body some vegetable soup for comfort. So far today I've had bananas, peanut butter, sweet potatoes, apple sauce, apple cider, and vinegar/water to drink. A big bowl of vegetable soup sounds perfect. I also took a multi-vite, iron, and a swig of flax seed oil this morning.
I fear that the LNA job will somehow get yanked out from under me. I told myself I should've kept walking through the steps of the Nursing Home job until I passed the physical exam and background check with the hospital. I worried a bit about that today. What a waste of energy. Just keep going.
So, eat. Then brush my teeth. Then the nightly routine from the Big Book. Then planning what tomorrow may look like.
How to thrust myself into a future that doesn't include Ex#2. I've been doing it for two months and the worst is over. I cannot help but ask myself then - why am I here? In this town? This life? Why am I here? I was so sure that my recovery was the answer. I forget, perhaps never even looked at his recovery being the other half of the equation.
healthy & strong body
disciplined & mature emotional practice
healthy self love that pushes me into the future
belief in G*d and that I am EXACTLY where He wants me to be
professional conduct and mind
These are just a couple of things I would like to achieve.
Thanks for listening.
*hugs*
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