Re: An apple a day...

ok ok. i must apologize again. i just worked a lot and haven't had the time to post. i actually went out last night with some friends from work for the first time and it was kid of nice. i haven't gone out in so long it was rather nice.

you are right to quest whether or not it's right for me to even consider if i should go on a fast. i think about it all the time. i ask myself if i'm just unconsciously giving myself a reason to binge. but honestly, even since i've been at this new apt, hopefully i'll be here for awhile as i am very tired of moving, i've already had a couple accidents and as i went out last night my sister found my secret stash of food wrappers from my last purge. i really dont know what to say to her. i feel so awfull but there is nothing i can do about it now. i'm honestly so tired of being controlled by food, or more realistically letting myself or even letting myself think i'm controlled by food. i have just had it. i am starting a fast today to clean myself and then i'm going back to my raw food diet. i want to do at least ten days, really fourteen but i'm not going to push my body and believe that when my body has had enough it will let me know. i honestly believe that this will be the only way that i can heal. i have to at least try it . if i can clean my body and then allow myself to eat "clean" or alive food then i will not be tempted to poison it. there was a brief time in the last two years where i followed a mostly raw food diet, about 80-85% as i occassionally used store bought dressings non raw nuts and alcohol with soda water or diet pop. i loved my raw food diet and was the healthiest i've been in a long time. i stopped it because i ended up getting out of my apt and moving around and my life became crazy, not to mention my boyfriend and i breaking up which was a huge blow to my ego (sorry but it was the truth and i cared for him a lot so it was a hard time for me).

anyways, i miss communicating with all of you and sorry if i rambled on and on.

you have a beautiful way of writing. its very poetic and heartfelt and sometimes it's hard to realize and believe that english is your second language. i myself have such horrible writing skills and i am not proper whatsoever, and tell me if it is hard to decipher my horriblem use of the english language lol.

write soon