Re: Confused & frustrated about sexual orientation

Hello..I'll give you my take on your post...

Hi forum,

Forgive me if I end up telling my life story... but I think context is important.

I'm 26 and I've never had a relationship with either a woman or a man. A reason for this is that for a while I just wasn't interested in relationships and didn't feel ready to get close with someone, so I didn't start actually looking for one until a few years ago. Of course like everyone else I have sexual desires and fantasies, but I find I am much more sexually attracted to men than to women. In fact, often the thought of having sex with a woman is a bit of turn-off for me.

That should be a red flag right there..well..more like a rainbow colored flag..

(:

But when I was 24 I had my first big crush on someone, and it was a girl - call her Jasmine. We hung out a few times and got to know each other a bit. She made me feel things in my heart that I'd never felt for another person; it inspired me to be very creative artistically and do whatever I could to make her happy. She's the first person I really felt like kissing. But while she cherished our friendship, when I opened up to her about my feelings, she didn't seem to be interested in taking the relationship further and just wanted to stay friends. We're still friends to this day.

This obviously looks like you have mistaken AFFECTION for ATTRACTION..whats the difference?

Warm fuzzy feelings in heart?= affection

warm fuzzy tingly exciting feeling in crotch and ball area?= sexual attraction

(:

Trust me,I been there as well.You meet a girl,she 'get's you' and you feel like you can share all your thoughts hopes and dreams with her..unfortunantly,though this dosen't automaticly constitute into romantic feelings automaticly and can very well lead to 'friendship' or build a strong affectionate bond but it does NOTHING to spark that inate sexual attraction that leads to the vertical mombo(sex silly) But what it can gaurentee is more 'let's just be friends' scanario.Friendships are essentialy relationships minus the sexual feelings,though IF there was a sexual attraction IF there was..THEN it can lead to more..it just dosen't just magicaly happen on it's on,not usualy anyways.Something,someone usualy has to spark it.If you're not hitting the attraction button and getting her hot and bothered,you are hitting the affection button and you are her 'friend'.Treat her like a friend and expect nothing more then 'just friends'.

I've always been aware that I'm attracted to guys sexually, and not nearly as much to girls. But when I think about having a relationship with someone, I think about a woman. I've always dreamt about eventually raising a family with a woman I love, not a man. I think women are really amazing, especially the intelligent, witty, gorgeous ones. :) I'm definitely in love with Clementine's character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That movie makes me cry, because it makes me long for what Joel had with Clementine.

That's good that you can accept your feelings without being bothered by them and that you are soo in tune with what you do want at least,that's shows that alot of time has been put into the process of sorting things out.How do you relate to other guys,dude,men? I often noticed that guys that lacked confidence in their masculine identities often looked for outward symbolisms of masculinty,say something or someone to project their masculine ideals on.Frued once said that in fantasy ,we often fantasize about what we lack in life.We erotisize and sexualize these emotions of what we feel as we lack,and connect them to whatever it may be.Maybe you are doing this as well?

Do you tend to idealize masculinty? Do you idealize certain types of men or seek an inner need to root your masculine identiy somehow? I have read that in some tribes or somewhere in the amazonian forests or some place or another,homosexual activity is a way of 'initiation into manhood' and a much older man is to have sex with a younger male in order to 'pass on his power' and the rites of manhood into the boy,then he is a man afterwards.There are alot of examples like this all around the world,were it connects homosexual activity or ritual as a form of masculine initian.I think this somehow still present in some folks psyches in a way but laying dormant.I observed the 'macho macho' men with the leather and tough guy albiet gay guys and they all project that strong masculine identity/image-it's kinda like they both seek this initiation process but kinda stuck there (??) just my thoughts on the matter.

Maybe you feel as if you lack a sense of your masculine identity? And feeling so, you are sexualizing this lack in your fantasies? You want a family and are cabable of loving a woman,though it sounds like your sexual feelings for them are underdeveloped and somewhat dormant.Your heart is in the right place but your attractions lay somewhere else.If that's the case..you just haven't met anyone that has interested you to the point of sexual attraction.Some people just have different buttons,when it comes to girls it sounds like you need to be reassured of the security in the relationship first before you are able to let go and become intimate.It sounds like you also idealize love,woman and sex,which is good in a way but it can also lead to skipping out automaticly on less then ideal situations or relationships,in other words -holding out for someone perfect or expecting fireworks or something to happen.True attraction/love can hit like a ton of bricks..if you are ready for it and know what you want and what you are looking for.But if you hold false representations of it in your mind..well..you get what you put in.

I also love that movie Eternel sunshine of a spotless mind.Klementines and Joels is very interesting and it's something most can relate to.Two people soo genuinly themselves and without excuses,they both accepted eachother and their flaws eventhough most of the movie was about how Joel was trying to get her back.It has all the essentials and makings of 'true love' for someone,the pain the heartaches the fights the good times,she accepted him unconditionaly and in a way..understood him.It could be possible that you see alot of yourself in Joels charactor? His brooding,emotionaly gaurded,somewhat damaged self.While Klem was like this whirlwind that picked him up and lefted him away into a very exciting life of ups and downs.She understood Joel and accepted him,despite his flaws and drawn him out of his shell.

In January I started going on dating sites like LavaLife and OkCupid to see if I could find someone. I went on dates with four different women. A couple of them didn't turn out to be quite my type, but one in particular was really cool, like-minded, and cute, and she even lives in my neighbourhood. It seemed like it was meant to be. After a few dates, it came to a point where I had to either kiss her or say I wanted to just stay friends. I liked her as a friend, but I still didn't feel anything in my heart (or my groin) for her, but I took a leap and kissed her anyway, mostly because I felt bad about disappointing her (probably a bad reason). It was all right, but it didn't cause me to feel anything more for her at all. I was really disappointed that I couldn't feel something for her. So later on we talked and she was okay with just being friends. So I've taken a break from online dating, because it seems like it'll just continue to show me how hard it is for me to be sexually attracted to women.

It just sounds like you are expecting too much too soon..from ANY girl.Attraction hits you ..or it dosen't.Simple as that.You can't really control who you are attracted to,it's an emotional response that we can't really control.I mean,we can decide how we deal with the emotions but we can't really 'control' it.If you don't like a chick..then you don't.Period.It sounds like you are having a hard time distinguising between affection and attraction.It sounds to me like you are the type of person that 'needs proof' in order to have your mind/heart set on a paticular subject.Say,'okay now that I feel sexual attraction towards girls...I MUST be one way or another...' sometimes it works that way but if your sexual energy is all over the place,it can be misleading and it's not always an accurate interpretation.Me personaly,I find alot of girls good looking and visualy appealing but very rarely do I feel that raging hard on in my crotch and ball sack but I don't need to feel that way in order to 'know' that I would boink her brains out,because I know I am capable of it.If someone was insecure in their sexuality,I would understand how it would be confusing on how/what to feel in the presence of a beautifull girl.It just sounds like you have a need to root your sexual security in girls right now..you will ,you just have to meet a girl you are comfortable opening yourself up to without feeling like you have to fit into any kind of mold or any pressures on your part.Sex is supposed to be fun..NOT a chore!

When I think of having sex with a woman that I'm not in love with or don't know very well, no matter how hot she is, it doesn't really arouse me, and actually kind of scares me. No other guys I've talked to seem to understand why I'd feel that way (I guess they're all straight). When I think of having sex with a woman I have feelings for (Jasmine, for example), I can sort of picture it being fun, but I still don't find it that arousing.

I am the same way..if I don't like a girl,I sure as hell am not going to sleep with her.Though with enough foreplay ..anything is possible for me lol

It's 'scary' because the feelings are unfamilar and uncomfortable..the situation or activity may not be really scary in itself but the feelings that may arise may be scary..throw performance anxiety into the mix,nervousness,self-doubt and sexual insecurity..of course you're not going to be able to enjoy yourself.You are too wrapped up in your own mind to open up.You'd be too focuses on yourself and your neurosis to truly 'be' with another,intimatly.You'd be lucky to even get it up,let alone feel anything else other then those anxious feelings..relax,chill out a little.There are PLENTY of hot experianced girls out there that would be more then happy to show you a thing or two..you just have to be open enough to meet them and not freak out soo much lol I think once you are with a girl and do experiance pleasure in 'real time' you may actualy begin to like it.You can't always re-play something in your mind first and then expect it to happen exactly like it is in your mind..somethings you just have to experiance.You have to be willing to open to the idea of sex..before you can actually 'have' sex.All the self-doubt and BS is only going to ruin it for you..both.And if you don't enjoy it..so what? You could always try being with a man and see if you like that more,it's no big deal..it's just sex,make sure you are safe and stay sway from freaky sex online ads..unless you want an STD or have your scalp cut off and worn on some dudes ball sack.In other words..it's risky.There are plenty of cool gay guys to meet in person..you just have to be open to meeting them.

But here are my gripes with being gay. One is that I've never had a crush on a man before, i.e., I've never had feelings for a man like those I had for Jasmine. Maybe I've just naturally avoided considering having a relationship with a guy? I don't know. Why do I only have crushes on girls, but only want to have sex with guys? Secondly, the thought of kissing a guy seems weird to me. Having sex, sure, but kissing is weird. Third, I really want a family someday, and I think being gay would just make that all the more complicated/controversial. And fourth, where's the logic? Perhaps I reason things too much, but evolution did endow me with the physical ability to impregnate a woman for a reason, right? What's the evolutionary reasoning for my wanting to use it on a man's butt instead? (Which, by the way, I find gross yet arousing..) It really baffles me.

Just because you never had a 'crush' on a man dosen't mean you aren't gay.Just because you never had sex with a girl dosen't mean you aren't straight.Having thoughts of sex with the same sex makes you no more a true homosexual more so then having homicidal thoughts make you a murderer.Thoughts are just that..thoughts.Why would I automaticly say 'thoughts'? Because you stated '...but only want to have sex with men',desires and thoughts are usualy linked hand in hand,and often times before there are emotions..the thoughts came about first.It sounds like you have alot of preconcive notions about sex,love,relationships etc. without any real positive or even negative experiances to make any real distinctions between the two. Heres a question..if you could have sex with anyone regardless of any possible doubt or prejeduice..whom would it be? male or female? It sounds like you haven't grown out of you 'sexual curiosity' stage of adolesence and without a real way of expressing your sexual self,once an adult..everything seems kinda screwy and all over the place.I was a sexualy precocious child and I loved anything and everything about sex..I seen my first set of hoo haas when I was 8 and lost my virginity when I was only 14.I am 27 now and been through my share of issues with sex,love and relationships..who hasn't? 

 It also sounds like you are idealizing love quite a bit and your lack of any real experiance may only deepen this effect.Maybe you only are in love with the 'idea' of love..but not the actuality of it in itself?

My smaller gripes are just my repulsion towards the gay scene. Sex seems to dominate it. Why is that? I find that aspect of gay culture kind of cheapening. How come the vast majority of naked user profile pictures on tribe.net are of gay men? Also, very outwardly gay men irritate me a bit, with the lisping and overly feminine way of carrying themselves. I'm not sure I want to be associated with all that...

Be honest..sex only seems to dominate it because I bet it's the main thing you 'cruise' for online lol Check out onine communities,support forums and groups..NOT sex ads for gay p 0 r n related sites.I have a strong feeling that you find all of the sex stuff very appealing to you but your inability to sort out your feelings and just being uncomfortable with them in general makes you distance yourself away from it more..logicly speaking,though what's between your legs is screaming for more and more and it totaly freaks you out.That sexual emotional response may seem overwhelming and overbearing being that you want it directed towards females.The boner never lies dude..always trust in the boner.

(:

Fem guys are just that..fem guys,they can't help it anymore then a macho macho man..and they should'nt have to bend or mold into whatever society or the media tells them to.Your uncomfort in them has more to do with YOU and less of them.

I know I've just written a novel, but I'd like to hear other people's points of view on my predicament, or if there's anyone out there who's felt similarly.

Thanks for reading...

Alot of your turmoil sounds mental and attatched anxiety towards imagined scanarios,sounds alot like you want to figure everything out in your mind first and also have alot of preconcieved notions about 'how things work' without having any actual experiance to make a distiction bettween the two.If I were you I'd just relax,chill out a little and just go with the flow.Don't obsess soo much and be open to either possibility that you may or may not be gay or straight,maybe you're bisexual? only time will tell and you just have to be honest with yourself and be open to either outcome...

just remember,you don't have to feel pressured to 'be' one way or the other or make any excuses for how you want to live YOUR life.

CHEERS!!