forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender

i grew up with a horribly abusive father. today, we chat. we'll never be comfie-cozy but i call him up from time to time and i allow him to see my kids from time to time. this is possible because i forgave him what he did to me, even though to this day he denies doing anything wrong (i could still lock him up for 25 to 40 yrs).

i learned that to forgive him has nothing to do with "letting him off the hook" or allowing him leverage to do it again to me or mine. it has everything to do with letting go the past and moving on. the whole time before i forgave him, he was my excuse for every failure in my life - didn't get the job? dad's fault i'm so insecure. didn't get the boyfriend? dad's fault i can't have a relationship with normal people. whatever didn't go right, it was dad's fault - that was convenient because it meant i never had to look at myself and what i was doing wrong (ie, maybe i didn't get the job because i showed up dressed in faded, worn jeans and a cut-off top; maybe i didn't get the boyfriend because on our first date, i got trashed and ran off at the mouth; etc).

i have a boyfriend now and yes, i will forgive him, too - not for him, but for me. not forgiving him means reliving what happened over and over and over and obsessing about where he is now, why is he 5 minutes late from work, why didn't he pick up his Cell Phone , and so on.

it's not hurting him - he doesn't give a rat's heinie - but it's hurting me and i don't like that. Tweet