Re: Day 25 Revealing feelings..

Your post is incredibly scary to me.  Without knowing you or your fiance or the relationship you have, your words sound like you may be contemplating a life altering decision.  I'd just like to share my experience...  

I have been married for 19 years (April anniversary).  Our marriage has had it's ups and downs.  This is my second marriage.  It's strange.  All of the relationships that I had prior to this had started out emotionally charged.  I always had that romantic "in-love" thing at the start.  The way the relationship with my husband started was with friendship.  There was no romantic interest or "in-love" feelings that got it all going.  He was my friend.  We did a few things together, but without the pressure of romance.  He was someone I enjoyed being with and talking with.  I was always comfortable when we were together. 

Apparantly, that's the way I saw it - but he saw things completely differently.  He says that he was always romantically attracted to me.  He says that when he met me he "knew" he wanted to marry me.  I don't really put a lot of stock in that.  Anyway, we did end up developing a closer relationship and decided to get married.  We became more than just friends.  It's never been like a love story type thing to me though - for the first 15 - 16 years it wasn't anyway.  I think it was my fault.  I was so focused on me - in the wrong way.  I'm twelve years younger than my husband.  It's difficult (or embarrassing) to admit, but I considered him to be kinda lucky to have this young wife.  The focus was always on me - not us.  I might just have one of those personalities that enjoys the spotlight.  That's just the way I was... 

It really is such a shame that I didn't appreciate him.  I didn't really look at him with that much interest until a few years ago.  I don't know what really changed that, but I have an idea.  Maybe I was just immature. 

I told a friend of mine a few years ago that I didn't think I was "in-love" with my husband.  I even went as far as to say that I didn't know if I was ever "in-love" with him.  She asked me if I loved him.  My answer was "Yes, I love him but I'm just not "in-love" with him."  I told her that I just couldn't see that my needs were being fullfilled at all.  Not only that but he was really irritating me.  Everything he did seemed to bother me.  She told me to do something that I thought was silly at the time.  She had me make a list of all of the things that I loved about my husband (little things, big things, obvious things, not so obvious, silly, serious - everything I could think of).  She said to work on this list for a week or a month but to dedicate some time each day to work on it.  The list was for me to make and keep.  There was no one that I would ever need to share it with. 

I did what my friend said and it changed my relationship with my husband.  When I say that it changed "my" relationship with my husband, I mean that it changed the way that I relate within our relationship.  I am now actually an active participant in our relationship.  We really are married now!  For the first 15 years I was a selfish, manipulative brat.  Now I am his friend, his lover and his companion.  He's always been what i needed and wanted - I just didn't know it.  I never finished the list.  I don't even know where I have it stored right now.  It's a long list though... whenever I run across it, I read it again and add some more to it.

The list made me see my husband differently.  He's a great guy.  He has so many fantastic qualities about him that I am absolutely amazed that I'm lucky enough to have someone so wonderful.  This list writing thing helped me to see him and to see us as a couple.  It took me out of the spotlight and put things into perspective.  I am so "in-love" with my husband. 

I am so greatful that I was given enough time to grow up - and wake up - to what is really important.  It's not all about me and the worlds affect on me and my happiness.  It is about me and my place and my effect within this world and it's inhabitants.  Doing the Master Cleanse is wonderful and can lead to some real clarity of thoughts.  Please be careful in making decisions based on these unfamiliar feelings.  Take your time.  You are so powerful.  Peace... 

I hope this made sense to someone, as it does mean a lot to me.

Reflect on your effect,

Roberta