Fears About Financial Security, Retirement

I wasn't sure where to post this, so thought I'd ask my "sisters!" I am 40, my BF is 48, and we've lived together for 2 years in our first home. I guess we bought at the top of our budget because we couldn't afford this (very modest) bungalow on one income. We chose it because we both work at home and each needed private work space, since my BF does therapeutic bodywork and has to provide a quiet (as best we can) environment for his clients. I do have to say that the privacy factor has been important in the relationship, and I'm not sure we could live together harmoniously without it. In that sense, this house was a good choice, and while I'd like a little more space (tiny kitchen, tiny bedroom, gave up the master bedroom for his work/meditation area), I think given the real estate market and our financial situation, we will be here much longer than originally planned.

I have a mountain of regret about how I should have done things differently in the past, I just didn't "get it" for so many years. I wish someone had really beat into my head the importance of starting early saving and investing for retirement when I was younger, because for quite a few years I was living very low rent, making great money (actually the same or better than what I make now), and spending all of it plus running up debt. I paid off a massive amount of credit card debt I've carried all my adult life just last September, and it's a hollow victory because neither of us has anything saved. Well, a very small emergency stash at this point, but no life insurance, no IRA, no investments of any kind. I cleaned out my 6000 IRA (which lost that much on tech stocks) to put toward the downpayment on the house, and there were no penalties for that withdrawl, but I'm starting from square one again at 40. I've obviously had a wake-up call, but our new financial planner has really given me a hard reality check on the numbers, and right now it's looking like we will have to work well into our seventies with no wage loss or break in income stream (scary for two self-employed folks) to have "enough" for a reasonably comfortable retirement, and I'm not even sure, given the extreme longevity in the women in my family, that it will hold out as long as I might.

Of course, I'm also seeing in this picture the inability to spend on virtually anything else in the "now" in order to fund an uncertain future, because who knows what will happen in the world, and who knows when your number is up? I'm afraid we won't be able to afford things like vacations, home improvements (I'm dying to remodel my horrible kitchen), furniture we still don't have, and all the usual stuff people want, not to mention unexpected emergencies and expenses.

I'm actually watching this happen to my parents right now, since my dad funnelled all his available cash back into his business, which eventually tanked and left them mortgaged to the hilt, running from creditors, and I've extended a lot of my own credit to them over the years just to keep them afloat. I worry about the same thing happening to us, even though I plan to be much more conservative from now on, but since we don't have kids, we'll have to make sure there is enough money to provide good, healthful care if one of us ends up needing it, because there may be no one to speak for us or oversee things.

Right now about the only solution I can see is substantially increasing income, and I already feel maxed out (as is my BF), not exactly doing my dream job living in front of the computer what seems like 24/7, but now feeling a bit trapped to make a change, since I can't afford a pay cut. Unfortunately, I'm the one dealing with all this because he does not want anything to do with handling the finances, he's a simple guy, more oriented toward spirit than every day concerns, I can see him getting stressed at just the smallest discussions about money, and he avoids stress at all costs. Frankly, I think had I not started putting his money away, he would be in the same spot in 20 years thinking he could live off his pension and social security. Of all people, he probably could, but since he's stuck with me and I'm a little more high maintenance than toast for dinner and milk crates for tables... this complicates his picture.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell on the negatives and what-ifs, that I have to focus on gratitude and abundance, and... I do try... sometimes, but I don't personally know anyone who abundance flowed toward just because they had the attitude of deserving it. It's a lovely, magical idea, and I've read about the Law of Attraction, but.... I don't know, does it work? I want to believe that.... Maybe what that really does is shift your perspective, so that you feel better about your life or what you have or what comes to you, even if nothing material actually changes.

Sorry about the above freakout if anyone has actually waded through it! I guess I'm looking for practical advice, and maybe some advice on how to deal with the worry that seems to be flooding over me right now. I admit I have a strong tendency to "worry" in general, and I've been better about letting go of some of my usual fears, but this one just feels so huge to me right now, it's the first time I've really felt the pressure and weight of real "adult responsibilities." When I was a floating renter, feeling like a kid, with middle age seeming way off in the future, I thought it would all be fine because I'd eventually get around to knuckling down, or somehow things would magically work out. Of course, I'm realizing now there's nothing magic about the math. (Woulda coulda shoulda...) If anyone has some thoughts or ideas, it would be much appreciated!

Oh, and feel free to share this with your daughters who might be going down the same road. The last 20 years flew by, and whatever I spent it on, half of which I can't even remember, wasn't worth it - I would have never missed that extra few thousand dollars a year that would be letting me breathe much easier now.