Re: HepC Non-responder w/Serious Mental Side Effects

My anxiety has been documented since my military days back in the early 90's though no one ever sought to treat me for it outside of trying behavior modification and a series of anti-depressants. I have attempted suicide twice, once at the age of 12 and once at the age of 17. I believe I am suffering from genetics as well. My biological father (what I know of him) was severely ill in his last years of living and never left his house. He was a heavy marijuana user (imagine that) and he was addicted to pain meds, as most former Vietnam vets have been. The panic disorders and the Agoraphobia is the most difficult for me to deal with at this time. I used to be... a light in a crowd, now I feel like a witch at a burning - again these are internal thoughts, and illustrate the feeling I have of disconnection from "me" and not feeling good in my own skin.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have a long journey of healing and that there is no "quick fix" - I've been living off quick fixes for how long?... 39 years now? Quick fixes don't work. There is just SO MUCH out there in the alternative realm of healing that I am easily overwhelmed and easy to just give up on finding the one alternative or the combination of alternative treatments that can help me recover a health.

I have come to the realization that the temporary relief I feel from using marijuana is just that, and that it is temporary, and its illegal and yes it is expensive. I have never had any panick attacks or anxiety while smoking marijuana, quite the opposite. When I smoke, I feel more comfortable in my skin and more like "myself" than I do when I do not smoke. I am not a couch potato when I smoke, I am able to concentrate and I am motivated (great for house cleaning) infact... when I just absolutely dread the piles of laundry... a good smoke will have me folding and washing clothes cheerfully and willingly. I am not a person who gets so high that I get the munchies, or giggles, or use it to get me in a partying mood. I smoke as a coping resource for panick attacks and the agoraphobia and doing so has many people saying its wrong, and so I feel pressured by the mainstream idea that marijuana is bad, so I try not to make it an issue for myself. When does something become harmful? Anything in excess I believe can be harmful, I am so sorry for your brother's death, do you think it was linked with his use of marijuana?

Needless to say, in order to heal, there needs to be honesty, so that's why I put it out there that I was/am/are a marijuana user. I've smoked daily with anywhere from 2 to 3 days breaks to a week long but nothing more than a month long for the past I would say 3 years? My smoking routine involves a cup of coffee in the morning, half a joint and work until lunch. I would eat a reasonable lunch if hungry and most days not - even while smoking I do not have increased appetite I truly believe the peginterferon treatment killed that part of my brain - nothing about food excites me anymore my tastebuds seem dead. Eating is a chore, yet I am not underweight, I maintain about 20lbs more than I want to carry right now. After lunch I go back to my work (work at home) and smoke the other half of the marijuana cigarette and work until evening. I typical eat a good evening meal, usually greens or chicken breast and some kind of squash or rice and I love cheese so I eat a peice of cheese or fruit for snacks. I will then retire for the evening and I go to bed early and watch a little tv and smoke another half or whole cigarette ... if I smoke a whole cigarette it will put me asleep.

When my DR put me on the Xanax for the panic attacks and the Lexapro for panic attacks and the Lunesta to sleep, I cut down on the marijuana usage because the Lunesta really gave me the kind of sleep I have never had with minimal side effects, only leaving a bad taste in my mouth, don't know what else its doing to my body, but I know that I attained complete "rest" and always felt a bit worn down each morning needing coffee to get me going - when I started taking the Lunesta I'd wake up fully rested and sometimes forgo the coffee... and since I have the morning habit of the morning smoke and some coffee it just didn't feel right to smoke without coffee... so the smoking has subsided and I just finished the last of what I had - and I have no intentions of purchasing anymore anytime soon.

I haven't had smoke for a few days now, nearly a week, and I am craving the peaceful warm feeling of security after I smoke. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, and just stick to the medicinal regime my DR currently has me on, but I want to be rid of that as well. I would like a life without medicine or marijuana, I would like to naturally fall asleep and feel rested and have a natural feeling of warmth, peacefulness and security.

Right now, in my very small understanding of how my body works, I feel that what I am needing right now is just a major flush or cleaning. I am looking into The Master Cleanser lemonade fast and hope to go through that and remove some of the uncomfortable feelings of living without my smoking crutch and trying not to become dependent on the pharmacuetical crutch and finding the 'REAL' reason why I am simply a very angry, sad, depressed, panicked, anxious, individual.

I know I can be so much more.... how did I get here?

Thank you for sharing your experiences, your response has confirmed what I've been feeling about the marijuana, mainstream influence or not, if I am so aggravated, agitated and not at peace without it, something is wrong - and the soothing effects of smoking will not cure what is wrong, it only masks, what needs to be cured. Tweet