So self defeating

I just joined this forum and just thought I'd come here to share a few things, for whatever it may be worth.

I'm a little young to have an alcohol problem. Or, I should say, I was a little young when it started. The early teen years. I went through all the typical stuff - everyone here knows the story. It went on for years. There's not a single member of my family on either side that isn't a severe alcoholic. Some are functioning, some aren't, but they're all alcoholics, and have been since before I was born.

I've been to AA. I went a few times with an uncle. Never on my own as I feared my parents would find out. I met some nice people, and listened to them share their experiences. And for years I've listened to a particular aunt with whom I'm extremely close, tell me of her struggles. My whole family just isn't well.

Anyway, I quit drinking for the last time 7 years ago. I had quit a few times prior to that, but just didn't stick with it. Seven years ago, something really clicked for me, I guess. Apart from having an alcohol problem, I've suffered with a lot of anxiety. I was diagnosed with panic disorder, OCD, PTSD, and agoraphobia. Some of those things are not a part of my life now, and I only have panic attacks a couple of times a year anymore. I think one thing that helped me to quit drinking was that there came a time when I started to have panic attacks when I'd drink. It was a good thing as it conditioned me to fear drinking, knowing that I'd really panic if I drank. For the first 2-3 years of not drinking, when I'd really have urges, fearing the inevitable panic attack that would follow was sometimes the only thing that kept me from drinking.

So now it's been 7 years, and I can honestly say with 200% confidence that I won't ever drink again. It's been about 4 years since I've even been notably tempted. There's the occasional "hey this drink might taste good. I could have just one" or "I'm having such a good time, I think I could have a drink and be ok", but before I can even complete such a thought, I realize that it doesn't even sound fun. It's more automatic than a real urge. In social situations where people are drinking, people (strangers or loose acquaintences) always try to get me to drink and I end up telling them that they'd have as easy a time getting me to drink as they'd have getting me to jump off a bridge. It just doesn't interest me and there's no way that it'll happen. That's where I'm at, and I'm grateful.

I say all of that to say this: I don't want to offend anyone. That's not where I'm coming from, so I hope that that's clear. I worry about programs like AA. All my life, I've listened to family members (especially the aunt I mentioned), friends, and other alcoholics that I've known use the words "disease", "powerless", "not in my control". Addiction is a disease, I fully agree. One of the downsides to living in our country is that we are never taught that we are able to heal ourselves. I listen to the things that AA teaches, and I feel horrified to know that people can't get better sometimes because they are taught that they have no power. Or that they didn't have power at one time. They're taught that it's not or wasn't up to them. They're taught that they were born this way, and that's it's always going to be an uphill battle. That they're always going to have a "disease". That they can never go back to certain aspects of their lives because they *will* drink if they do...as if there is no choice in the matter.

There's always a choice. There is always a choice to overcome. And we are the only ones who will ever have power over ourselves and our wellness. I hear people liken the disease of addiction to cancer. They're both diseases, but they aren't the same. The disease of addiction offers us the power of choice every day that we wake up. I feel that AA falls short in one crucial area which is teaching people to empower themselves.

I'm not bashing AA, and again, I don't wish to offend anyone. I support anything that helps people to stop drinking. I guess all I'm trying to say is that there is normality after addiction. There is happiness after addiction. There is power within all of us - always. Please don't ever use the word "powerless" to describe yourselves. It's simply not true. In a bad place? Sure. Made bad decisions? Yes. *Felt* powerless at one time? Of course. But never powerless. As long as one hands over control of themselves, they can't get better. You're only powerless if you choose to be, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Anyway, good luck to everyone.


Take care and God bless. Tweet