Re: I just don't know...

I'm 32, female - I grew up in a situation such as you are describing. My Mother and step-father partied and smoked weed all through my childhood, in my house it was as common as cigarettes.

I have a younger brother who is now 29 - he's a pot smoker, we both tried our share of drugs, drinking and trouble - with him it stuck, with me it did not. I was lucky though, by all rights considering my upbringing, I should be a druggie.

So, now i am 32, I'm single never married, I'm a mother of an 8 year old daughter, and I have promised myself that I will not allow my daughter to grow up the way I did yet I find myself attracted to those very men. I just left my boyfriend of 2 years a few weeks ago. He never talked to me or spent any time with my daughter, he smoked pot, and played computer games, he ate dinner in front of the computer, he watched TV from behind the computer.

I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I cried, begged, talked and pleaded. I insisted he stop smoking pot in the house after my daughter asked me what that "smell" was. Finally I came to the realization that all these activities were merely a form of escapism. He could quit smoking pot and delve deeper into video-game land, or quit playing video games only to be completely focused on TV 24/7. Eventually even our sex life came to halt because I was a "nag". When someone wants to escape life and responsibility, you can't make them stop - you can't force them to participate in life with you. They have to want it and make that choice for themselves. I decided I wanted a man who was engaged in our lives together, interested and curious about my daughter and I - I want a man who is PRESENT in the here and now to live life with me.

My mother went through the same choices with my step father - she became deeply religious after a traumatic experience after my 8th grade year and tried to quit the drugs and partying, it's always been hard for her she has that escapist mentality also, but she didn't want to leave my stepfather for religious reasons. Finally after trying everything she possibly could to make the relationship a happy one, her pastor told her that God's edict for marriage is for husband and wife to honor EACH OTHER and my stepfather was not honoring her or their marriage - he was making a mockery of it. Finally she had the courage to leave him when she was in her 40's and make it on her own. It hasn't been easy for her and she hasn't remarried although she wants to, but there is no doubt in my mind that she made the right choice.

I also feel I've made the right choice and I have to be very concsious of my choices in the future because I want to break the cycle of failed relationships I've had.

You said you're only 28 and I'm not sure how old your child is, but keep this in mind: every thing you do (as parents), every choice you make and word you speak is teaching your child a lesson about how to treat you and how to treat others - make sure the lessons he/she is learning are good lessons. It is your sole and complete responsibility to raise a happy, healthy child and sometimes no father is better than a bad father.

Sounds harsh and I'm sorry for putting it so bluntly, I am only speaking from my own experience.