I am sorry that you are having such trouble in your relationship. Your situation sounds difficult and I understand how powerless you must feel.

I would encourage you to go to God in prayer and ask him to change your husband's heart. In the meantime, I would ask him to reveal to you how you can make choices about your attitude and thoughts that will keep you filled with hope. There are lots of choices that you can make that will keep your life filled with light. Fill your life up with friends and positive activities that help lift you up and always be willing to set things aside for your husband to step up and be the man that you are expecting him to be.

God's Blessings on your marriage and family,

Evan

I don't know what religion you belong to, but is drinking, smoking, partying and drugs a part f it???? You can't be using that as an excuse to hang on to your marriage, because it sounds like your marriage was formed on a basis far removed from what any religion would describe as a good foundation for marriage. You can't choose what parts of a religion you want to follow and discard the others,
I'm not berating you, far from it. I'm trying to free you up from a self-destructive mind set of why it is you should stick with a miserable deal. No religion worth it's salt would demand of you to stick with an abusive husband (yes, abuse is mre than being slapped upside the head)because marriage is forever, and if they do, bye-bye, time to look for a new house of worship.

All that being said, seeking to connect spiritually is the best thing you can do for you and your child. Start living wholesome experiences and sharing them with your baby. Eventually, husband may try to catch up to you, or you may begin to look for professional guidance to try to save the marriage. He may begin to see the light and you'll have a testimony, or hew may be burned by the light you have found and have to seek a darker hole to crawl under. But meanwhile my friend, you have gone up the higher path - and THAT, is what your God wants you to do, not keep you stuck to a destructive situation because someone said it was written in stone.
Hope that helps.

Yes, I know what it feels like to realize you married the wrong person. And I'm here to say (and I won't be alone), this does not get much better without help.

I want you to do a visualization. Sit comfortably, and visualize 5 years from now.....10 years.....20 years.....30 years....You've got a long way to go with this person. And from what you describe, he may not just die, he may become disabled. So, not only will you have this joy later, you may also be nursing him too.

So, as I can see, your only salvation right now is help. You need to get this man into counseling with you, or at the very least, go by yourself. You are so young, that all of this will be revealed in time, but you can get a jumpstart now by doing the work. And the good thing...you are so young. That is excellent news for you, and should make you actually feel somewhat positive.

Now, I'm not religious, so I absolutely cannot speak to that aspect. But I am a realist.

Honey, you must start doing some work now. Now that you have made this realization, I fear that it will be a downhill slide very quickly. I don't want you to live out your life unhappy, and become very bitter. Your child will pick that up, as well as learn how to behave from his father. Double whammy.

Good luck.

Molly

First of all, how old were you when you married? Sometimes it's hard to tell whether you will grow out of a person or if you will grow WITH a person. When my boyfriend and I started dating, we both smoked weed and were already out of the whole "big party" bit. Magically, we both decided to quit smoking weed about the same time. I had dramatically cut down before I met him and, excuse my wording, but being high just really started to suck. I think he quit because of a bad experience with his breathing...and it just got old to him too. I got lucky. That and we're so young, we're leaning the whole "real world slap in the face" thing together...bills and triple the responsibilities.

Another funny thing though, is that he spends my money too! Haha not like without me knowing but he's so cute when he asks for things and I'm not a very materialistic person but I like for him to have the things he wants. We understand what's going on though. I don't think your husband understands what's going on. I think he's still in shock or resentful of having a child, he isn't ready to be a father yet. And you know how drugs and alcohol can get to a person. He might be sitting there getting high thinking about how bad of a father he's being and that will upset him so much that he just keeps up his old habits to dull or numb the feeling. It's really hard for some people to make dramatic changes on behalf of anyone other than themselves. He might also be afraid to jump into the whole fatherhood thing after you've been doing all the work. It's also very hard for people to man up and redeem themselves.

Another thing is...you let him do the things he does. Now I'm not saying it's your place to play mother, but this is your life too and he's a big part of it. Let me just say that my boyfriend didn't ALWAYS understand. I don't let him do whatever he wants with my money, if he's upsetting me by doing something, I let him know. I don't ask him to stop, but simply letting him know can have a big impact, depending on how devoted one is to improving a relationship.

I wouldn't go as far as to say you married the wrong person. I'm sure when you did marry, you felt it was right. You're lonely when he's not there, you're comfortable in the familiarity that you provide eachother, he made most of the friends for you...I know exactly how you feel with that. Don't think that he's the powering force in the relationship though. I'm sure a lot of your friends respect you and wouldn't run out just because they knew him first. And don't compare your relationship to other peoples'

I think you've spoken of your husband rather harshly...almost to the point of not being understandable since you're upset. If you really don't think it can work out, don't let friends, family, familiarity, or religion stop you from being happy. Religion is usually a big part of one's life when it does mean something to them, but it's never a good enough reason to hold someone down or back. If you honestly think it won't get better, you have to do what's best for you and your child and leave. If you do think you can explain things to him in a way he will understand...let him know he can still redeem himself, let him know you wouldn't be upset with him for trying...even if he fails, if he's trying, that's a big step. Even ask him how he feels. Maybe he doesn't want the lifestyle but he doesn't want to hurt you by saying something about it. That's the worst when one doesn't know how the other feels so they hold back from doing what could potentially be better in the long run. If he wants a divorce deep down, then let that loser go! I don't mean to say he's a loser but if he's not willing to deal with the turn his life has taken and be the father and husband he knows he should be, then that makes him a loser.

I hope things can work out for you so talk to him. Find out what's in his head other than bong resin and deterioration. Point out that if you could do it, so can he.

I'm 32, female - I grew up in a situation such as you are describing. My Mother and step-father partied and smoked weed all through my childhood, in my house it was as common as cigarettes.

I have a younger brother who is now 29 - he's a pot smoker, we both tried our share of drugs, drinking and trouble - with him it stuck, with me it did not. I was lucky though, by all rights considering my upbringing, I should be a druggie.

So, now i am 32, I'm single never married, I'm a mother of an 8 year old daughter, and I have promised myself that I will not allow my daughter to grow up the way I did yet I find myself attracted to those very men. I just left my boyfriend of 2 years a few weeks ago. He never talked to me or spent any time with my daughter, he smoked pot, and played computer games, he ate dinner in front of the computer, he watched TV from behind the computer.

I tried so hard to make our relationship work, I cried, begged, talked and pleaded. I insisted he stop smoking pot in the house after my daughter asked me what that "smell" was. Finally I came to the realization that all these activities were merely a form of escapism. He could quit smoking pot and delve deeper into video-game land, or quit playing video games only to be completely focused on TV 24/7. Eventually even our sex life came to halt because I was a "nag". When someone wants to escape life and responsibility, you can't make them stop - you can't force them to participate in life with you. They have to want it and make that choice for themselves. I decided I wanted a man who was engaged in our lives together, interested and curious about my daughter and I - I want a man who is PRESENT in the here and now to live life with me.

My mother went through the same choices with my step father - she became deeply religious after a traumatic experience after my 8th grade year and tried to quit the drugs and partying, it's always been hard for her she has that escapist mentality also, but she didn't want to leave my stepfather for religious reasons. Finally after trying everything she possibly could to make the relationship a happy one, her pastor told her that God's edict for marriage is for husband and wife to honor EACH OTHER and my stepfather was not honoring her or their marriage - he was making a mockery of it. Finally she had the courage to leave him when she was in her 40's and make it on her own. It hasn't been easy for her and she hasn't remarried although she wants to, but there is no doubt in my mind that she made the right choice.

I also feel I've made the right choice and I have to be very concsious of my choices in the future because I want to break the cycle of failed relationships I've had.

You said you're only 28 and I'm not sure how old your child is, but keep this in mind: every thing you do (as parents), every choice you make and word you speak is teaching your child a lesson about how to treat you and how to treat others - make sure the lessons he/she is learning are good lessons. It is your sole and complete responsibility to raise a happy, healthy child and sometimes no father is better than a bad father.

Sounds harsh and I'm sorry for putting it so bluntly, I am only speaking from my own experience.