Re: A Battered Wife's Story...part 2

Below is the conclusion of Mary's Story

People do not always understand the impact on our society of children who have witnessed and experienced abuse. [58] Sometimes I meet people whose attitude seems to be, "Gee, it's terrible what happened to Mary's children, but it really doesn't affect me." I tell them, "Your children are playing next to my children. If my child has behavioral problems because some judge gave him to his abusive father, you'd better believe it affects your children."

Besides my job and my kids, HomeSafe is a big part of my life. I am on the Board of Directors. I volunteer on the twenty–four–hour crisis line at least one night every month. I think there have been times when I have really helped a woman by listening to her and saying "I've been there myself." People at work also know about my experience as an abused woman and sometimes seek me out for advice.

My kids are very supportive of my HomeSafe work. On nights when I am on the crisis line, they understand it is important. They like to hear my stories about women I have helped on the crisis line.

The children really came through during a recent period when a battered woman stayed at our house for six weeks. She was someone I worked with. Other people at work had learned about the abuse and came to talk to me. They asked me to talk to her, even though I did not know her well. I said, "I'm not going to force myself on her. She's already got someone doing that at home; I'm not going to add to her burden. [59] But tell her that I would be happy to talk to her if she would like to talk to me." Just a few hours later, she came to talk. She desperately needed to leave her abuser, and I said, "Why don't you come stay at my house?" She accepted and I called my kids and told them about her situation. Daniel could not have been sweeter or more supportive. He said, "Tell her everything will be okay. Tell her we've been through all this." He even offered to let her stay in his room.

From my work at HomeSafe, I know now how lucky I am compared to most battered women. In addition to supportive family, friends, and clergy, I had a good job and some money. In contrast, most battered women I have met through HomeSafe are trying to escape their batterers without any money or support from family or friends. Indeed, their family and friends have either encouraged them to stay in the relationship, have blamed them for the abuse, or have commanded them to leave before the women were ready. I also hear terrible stories about clergy telling women that "Marriage is sacred," or "This wouldn't be happening to you if you were right with the Lord," or "You must forgive him and reconcile your marriage." Additionally, I talk to women who might leave their abuser if they could be sure that they and their children would still have a roof over their heads and food on the table.

I give many speeches in the community about my experience as a battered woman. I share my story so people will understand that domestic violence happens to all kinds of women. I want them to know that there is still a lot we need to do to change the system. It is bad enough to be abused by someone who says he loves you; unfortunately, women today, like me, are often abused a second and third time by lawyers, psychologists, and judges.

I am public about the abuse for another, more selfish reason. I figure if I put myself in the spotlight, more people––domestic violence workers, police, friends––will be watching my back. If anything happens to me or my children, they will go looking for Russ.

I agreed to share my story with Professor Waits for the same reason that I speak in the community. If just one person reading this story comes away with a better understanding of abuse, it will be worth it. I am not going to go down quietly. I feel that Russ and the legal system took away my children, my money, and my life. They will not take away my voice.