now i do. thanks for your support.

AH...i've been trying to figure this out in all my relationships.
i decided to go and give it another chance.
thanks for all your replies - i just sometimes have to talk or type to organize my thoughts and get perspective. PERSPECTIVE is the magic word - yet so hard to remember when we are smack right in the centre of turmoil and our loved ones have let us down.

today he got his head out of his butt and told me something that opened my eyes again.
this was for us to stop blaming each other and try to solve the problems we have. it took me to blow up to get all this out. which i hate doing. but pussyfooting is not the way to go either. i'm all for conflict resolution. i just solved one of the problems of getting there to see him. i found cheaper fares. i know he's working very hard for us and our 3 kids combined. i just hate being let down. but i guess i have to swallow my pride.
we have both worked hard for the past yr. to make this be. we are awesome together. just far apart. but we just can't let go.
this is a very learning relationship. sometimes it tears me into shreads and totally undermines me as much as it also empowers me beyond my wildest dreams. it's extreme. hopefully it won't be for long...as long as we don't keep doing the same mistakes.