Re: am I schizophrenic?

Your post is so old that you may not see my answer...

I am not a professional, but have been very interested in psychology for a couple of decades and have gone through therapy myself. I have also seen a few cases of schizophrenia...

First of all: if you are aware of your imaginations, fears and challenges, then you don't really have a problem. You are way better off then you awerage Joe on the street who is going through life assured that he's OK while he's living an illusion and only people around him know something is off.

Psychologists have discovered that many so called "successfull" people, and company CEOs are actually schizophrenic as they don't really have a connection between different parts of their personalities. Key is: they are NOT aware of it.

You don't seem anywhere near that at all.

What I do see from your text is a tough childhood. That part you are most likely unaware off. I wasn't aware of similar problems I had, until I went to a therapist. No one dares tell you that your parents did wrong. I was lucky that my therapist didn't care who did what, only what happened, which meant I could take a fresh look at my childhood. And there was a lot to learn from it.

I also remember a visit to one really good therapist, who told me never ever to blame myself or put myself or others down. As in "Oh look at that guy, he's so stupid!!!" or "Shit, I'm such an idiot!"

These put downs happen in a family a lot. Try to remember how your parents treated you. I am sure you'll remember some type of put downs. Some put downs are harder to detect. For instance you may tell your mom or dad "Look what I did!!!" and they don't even look at you. That's a "put down".

Or you may come home with a bad grade, and they immediately tell you how you're a failure, and no good in some way. Or even just a smirk on their face or similar is enough to tell you the most important thing: YOU ARE BEING JUDGED!

Truth is - they have no right to do that. We are equal before God. Let the judgment be his. That's why we are here - to grow and be the best we can be; but we are not perfect, you never made a promise to be perfect when you got born did you? no. No one is perfect.

Those who have to feed their egos with criticism find that it's very easy to do that - no one is perfect, therefore there is plenty of opportunity to criticize others and put them down.

Now, once a person who was criticized and put down grows, what is he/she bound to do? If they haven't learned anything in the meantime, they will continute as "trained" in their home. They will find ways to put themselves down. They will find reasons to criticize themselves. And above all - their parents would not show them how to be independent, so they will have a hard time adjusting to challenges of life.

The fact that you had so many imaginary friends, tells me that reality was too harsh for you. One doesn't need imaginary friends if real ones are good, right? Why didn't you have real ones? They made fun of you? There weren't any cuz you lived somewhere far? Your parents didn't want you to go outside and play? I don't know, but you can certainly find an answer there.

When parents criticize their children, kids naturaly grow suspicious. They learned un their childhood that they cannot trust even their parents - if they tell them something, it will be used against them, if they make a mistake it will be used against them, if they keep a secret, parents will try to probe into everything to find out what the secret is...
So it would be no wonder if that kid grows expecting others to "spy" on him in some way. Your imagining hidden cameras everywhere is not strange. As a matter of fact, there is a possibility that someone is even doing it. But try to look at it from a different perspective: what if someone is really having a hidden camera where they can see you? what's the worst that can happen? You think the whole world just can't wait to see you on the hidden camera on some crazy web site? Believe me, unless you look better then a hollywood diva, you have nothing to worry about. If you're not some "hot chick" no one is interested. Period. If you think that people have absolutely nothing better to do, you're wrong. If you think that some odd individual may try to spite you by taping you when you don't know - that's maybe possible; but what harm is there really even if it happened? None. In reality, your life would be the same.

If you have doubts about your body odour, or something similar, feel free to ask. Find a friend or an acquaintance, someone you trust will not laugh at you, and ask them to tell you honestly if you have a body odour. Tell them that you've noticed how people are not aware that they have a B.O. and that now you're thinking - what if I have it!? If a few of them tell you that yo don't have a problem, then you can check with your doctor, and you can smell your clothes and your bedding. And if all of those are OK, then everything is OK in that department.

As far as motivation: I immediately thought that was connected to the way you were treated in your family. If a child is shown how to enjoy life, how beautifull this world is, there is no way that child would loose interest in things and be passive and non-motivated. It also shows that you do things because you "SHOULD" do them, not because you "WANT" to do them! This comes from parents who constantly nag and force their kids with "You should clean your room", "You should study for better grades.." and so on. Try to never tell yourself that you should do something. Maybe something needs to be done. DO you want to do it? No? then don't do it. Do something you actually feel like doing, something that you also CAN do. Read a book; watch your favorite TV show or DVD; listen to your fav music. Make sure you choose positive music, films and books. Comedy, adventure, and such, no gore, and murders. Those are negative and affect us all badly. Persons immune system completely shuts down after seeing a film filled with murders and violence.

You may need to go back to your childhood to remember all those things. Going to a good therapist who is good at Transactional analisys and other forms of therapy would be great for you.

I watched a program on TV a while ago where they wanted to show how schizophrenia (not that you have it!) can be reversed entirely with a specicial kind of therapy ( I think it was something similar to Transactional analisys). It was about these two boys - brothers. They were taken away from their family for a few months of therapy. They came back completely changed and "normal". Everything was fine in the begining. TO show how well the therapy worked, parents allowed this TV network to install cameras in the house so taht we could really see these kids. And we saw them. But what no one expected was that within days kids were subjected to an incredible physical and emotioanl abuse - beaten, almost tortured, hit on the head, yelled at, put downs all the time... and so on. Naturally, both boys reverted to their old behaviour. The TV network saw that and showed it to those psychologists. A few days later social serveces took the kids away and parents are under investigation.

Just to show how important therapy is. And how much of a role parents play.

I don't suggest therapy because I think you have a problem. I just think that you would benefit from it. I think you're not aware of your depression, you're having unnecessary problems with anxieties and fears, and all of that comes from childhood, and is certainly not making your life easy. You could have a better life then you do.

As for Tourettes syndrome - there are pilots and surgeons having it. Many famous musicians had it. It gets better with age, and time. It doesn't have to be or look bad. I think it is again connected to the way you were treated as a child. If you can somehow probably with a help of a therapist, put that behind you, and learn to deal with similar situations, then you will most likely loose most of those tourettes syndromes.

Sorry for bad spelling im writing in a rush.
Good luck and know that you're OK! Just try to enjoy life a little more! Do things you like!