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am I schizophrenic?

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danny16 Views: 2,832
Published: 17 years ago

am I schizophrenic?

Well, I'm 28 and I do show some signs of schizophrenia but I'm not quite sure if it's schizophrenia, psychosis, borderline, dissociative, etc.

1. I have no motivation whatsoever. It has gotten worse year after year with no real reason at all. It's not from Depression or ADD. Every day I'm obsessed with downloading the latest television shows and spend hours watching them instead of getting work done.

2. I've had imaginary friends since I was 6. When I was 15 there were around 30 of them, but we all interacted with each other and we were all happy. There was never any violence. Maybe a bit of drama but nothing major. It was like a big club and we were all watched on TV...this was 2-3 years before the real world came on mtv. And I've always known that they were imaginary so they were never around when other people were around. Basically they were around only when I was lonely. And aside from being next to girlfriends, when I was sleeping alone I had to have an imaginary friend next to me or I had to "be" them and then my own personality would be the one who was imaginary. Does that make sense? I pretended to be another person while interacting with my imaginary self. I've been married to an imaginary friend and am now dating my original imaginary girlfriend who got married and recently got divorced. We want to get married now. But you see I know that it's fake. It's not real. The only thing is that I look for her often...I search for her name on google, on myspace, everywhere. I want her to be a real person. She'd be 28 as well so yeah I'm sure if she were real she'd be married by now.

3. I'm not manic depressive. I do get depressed at times and other times feel very very motivated for an hour or two at a time but never over joyed and I never cried over nothing though I've cried a few times over two girls.

4. I ALWAYS think that people are watching me with cameras and I take it very seriously. I always check the mirrors to make sure that it's not a two way mirror. I check ceilings to make sure there are no holes, I check smoke detectors, etc. It started when I was around 10 and thought that my parents had hidden cameras. I would even say things aloud like "I know you're watching me." Where I live now the guy upstairs always seems to go to the bathroom whenever I go so it makes me paranoid that he goes in there to watch me somehow. The only camera I had ever found was one at a dorm living room which makes sense to have and I also own my own hidden camera.

5. The worst thing to have happen to me was thinking that I had bad breath or Body Odor . Due to something I heard on tv at 14, I started feeling very self conscious about which nostril of mine was breathing (i rarely breath through both at the same time) and felt that I had bad breath due to what a girl said to me in 5th grade. In my freshman year of high school was when it was the worst because I started noticing people coughing, sniffing, clearing their throats, and putting their heads up to their noses everytime they came around me. It has gone on to this day and the frequency of it is enough to drive me insane. People walking by my apartment with my door closed and windows up will make these sounds. People 100ft away will make these sounds as soon as I come out of my car or they come through a door. But I went to a doctor yesterday who he himself could not smell anything on me. He was making a lot of sounds but he said he was sick. There was a nurse who also said that she couldn't smell a thing on me, though I noticed she put her hands up to her nose. Is it possible that I don't smell at all? The paranoid me thinks that people may be sort of allergic to me somehow and perhaps they don't realize it. Or perhaps the doctor and nurse are lying to me. My girlfriend of 7 years never said I smelled, but she knows that I'm very self conscious of it. My friends never said anything, but perhaps it's because they're used to me. My cousin said I smelled bad a couple years ago. And one guy on the baseball team said that I smelled bad about 10 years ago.

The doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and gave me Ativan. But I feel that the anxiety comes from thinking that I smell bad. I really don't get it. If I don't smell bad, why do people seem so uncomfortable around me? It pains me to walk into a grocery store, go into an isle and have someone in the next isle start coughing and I feel like it's my fault so I get angry and leave depressed.

I can't smell myself. But I heard that people who smell can't smell themselves or others with the same smell. I can smell other people who smell though, especially those who have TMAU or DMGDHD (fishy, rotten egg, or fecal odor) so I must not have those.

The Ativan is working so well. I feel like it is a miracle cure for me. Instead of numbing my emotions, I am now choosing my emotions. I feel so damn confident like I never have before. I feel so motivated to work and feel very little need to watch movies or television shows. Although I don't feel agitated easily now, I feel like I can be if I want to. I am no longer timid feeling, which was kind of a big part of me as it reminds me of my childhood. I also have bad nightmares but I feel more like I am facing my demons. It's also important to know that I've always had a positive outlook on life. I'm the glass is half full kind of guy and can't stand pessimism. The only issue that I have now is the body/breath odor. I'm starting to believe that it doesn't actually exist, but I will never fully believe if people around me keep acting the way that they do. Do people act that way around anyone else? I feel like it's just me. Yet two trained professionals said that I don't smell and while that makes me very happy to hear, it also makes me quite confused. My bloodpressure was at 150 so if I was going to smell that'd be the time as anxiety can make your body release odors.

What does this sound like? Is it anxiety? Is it paranoid schizophrenia? Is it dissociative? Borderline? Split personality disorder? Psychosis?

Oh and I also have attention deficit disorder (it's not fake) and tourette's syndrome (facial and body tics)

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