Becoming a (or passing yourself off as) Christian Fundamentalist

Excerpted from a mildly amusing site:

Becoming a (or passing yourself off as) Christian Fundamentalist

Learn certain parts of the Bible by heart; you will discover that many Christians who have Bibles the size of a large wall safe are actually very ignorant of the contents. Remember to ignore the many bits that do not fit in with fundamentalism and just concentrate on writings such as John or Romans. Under no circumstances, ever, read James with its emphasis on 'works'.

Use completely absurd statements such as 'The Lord is indeed winning lost souls in [state area]'. Learn to call all other male fundies 'Bro' (for 'Brother') and all female fundies 'Sister' (who are of course subject to you if you are a male). Remember you need to say 'Ammennnnnnn' at least one hundred times a day.

Develop the 'fundy' look which is either serious and deep in thought (because you are directly communing with God), or with a silly half-smirk on your face (because you are so happy that Jesus died for you - yes, personally). Most important of all, develop the 'glazed' look in your eyes, most frequently found in charismatics and wall-climbers.

Even though you believe the world is evil and in the grip of the devil, and the rapture and the final Judgement are only a few years away at most, don't let this affect the way you manage your finances and lifestyle.

Continue to have children, purchase large properties, long-term stocks and 30-year life insurance policies. As a fundy you need to learn how to be a complete and total hypocrite.

Always be politically right-wing as leftwing politicians, liberals, pinkos, etc., are actually the devil's disciples. Always vote for the most right-wing politician who is standing for election. Even though the New Testament teaches the worthlessness of the physical world and material wealth, ignore this and become involved in the world.

Campaign for your local ultra-right wing candidate and defend your action by pointing out that if Jesus was here then he would vote for this candidate.

Stress the importance of 'the family life': ignore all the Biblical references that teach Christians should desert and/or hate their families, that Jesus was single, Paul taught celibacy, and the redeemed are said to be virgins. Ignore all of this and simply rewrite the Bible to suit your way of thinking: this is how it all works!

Be arrogant! Be intolerant! Forget all the Biblical nonsense about humility - you are one of 'the little flock', one of the few who has been called; remember, you were handpicked ('elected') by God Almighty himself - yes, personally - before the world was even created!

Be pompous - be really vain. Moreover, because of this you are justified in talking about God as if he's personally living in your front room and constantly talking to you. Make frequent references to 'The Lord said to me...' and 'In prayer the Lord spake to me saying....'. Make it seem as if you are the only one that he ever speaks to.


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