Re: you are not alone

I don't know if you'r still checking this but I write to so I guess I'll help you out.

Before I start cutting I feel frustrated and angry, like there's some sort of energy building up inside of me that I need to get out. I might do something else for a while like bang my hand off a fence or wall if the situation means I can't cut but that doesn't help much. When I get the blade or knife into my hand I feel power. I need to see blood (but I know that's not the same for everybody.) If I can't make myself bleed cause the knife's not sharp enough I get more frustrated. I feel I'm a whimp cause my body resists what I'm doing to it. I don't want to be weak. I got bullied when I was small but I don't anymore. If anyone tries I hit them till they stop even though I'm short and there's always more of them. I don't care. I can take any pain they give me and I win. I feel strong when I bleed. There's a rush and a sudden release of tension. I don't feel much pain. What I do feel feels pretty good. Sometimes I start laughing. Usually I get calm and lethargic pretty quickly. I hardly ever just make one cut. I always want to go deeper but I am careful not to cause too much damage. I do want to kill myself sometimes but I won't do that because there are people who I won't leave and people it would hurt too much. I stare at the blood. Sometimes I taste it. I wish there was more. Unless I'm cutting in a frenzied way (usually at the beginnning or shortly after I start) I consider each cut and try to make an attractive pattern. I don't think the marks I make are ugly. I'm not ashamed of what I do and I don't think it's wrong. I'm not being selfish. If I were selfish I'd push down into the arteries and die. I know it's dangerous but it's helping me stay sane in a way phsychiatrists never could. Sometimes I look at what I've done and feel shocked that I could have done it. I think 'what've I done to myself' but the stinging pain makes me feel better, more worthwhile somehow. I like to bend my fingers backwards, but not so far they break. That damage would be to hard to explain and the only thing I fear in this world is being locked up. I feel trapped. I think everone must be trapped. I carved that word 'trapped' into my left forearm yesterday. I hardly ever cut words. I've only done it a couple of times before. Sometimes I don't eat as much as I should. I like the way that feels too. Ocassionally I burn myself. That tend to give a quicker release of tension than cutting but I feel the pain in a less pleasant way when I burn myself. I want to press the metal down harder and for a longer time and feel like a coward if I don't. I like to press down hard on bruises. I like to punch things till my knuckles bleed. I pierce myself. I've one safety pin in my ear at the moment. I like the way it looks.
I want people to see my injuries. I only bother to hide them if I'm going to see someone who wouldn't accept it or who'd be upset by it. Mainly seeing the blood lets out pent up emotions that I don't know how to properly recognise or feel. Also I feel angry with the world and hatred at myself for accepting things or for the way I act.

I guess I went a bit off topic there but I can only do slightly better than stream of conscoiusness when writting about stuff like that. What are you writting, a book? I'm writting a book. It's sci-fi and it's called Neon Midnight. Anyway, good luck!

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