what is this crazy thing we do to ourselves!?

do you ever wonder why we need more pain when our lives have enough? why is this something i struggle with every day, or close to it? i'm so afraid of messing it up again. it's been nearly a month since i last cut or scratched i think. do you ever do it to feel? cuz you feel so disconnected from the world? i do it because of that sometimes, sometimes to feel in control. my whole life is so crazy and my thoughts are spinning out of control. i can't control anything, not even my thoughts! they get so in the way they become my worst enemy and i just beat myself up mentally, sometimes physically, to sort them out. going so long without si'ing is kinda driving me crazy. but it's worth it. i don't always feel like i have something to hide anymore, i hate that feeling. i don't think anyone has really noticed the scars or thought anything about them. i htink they just look like normal scratches i got on accident or whatever. it's hard sometimes, well, all the time actually. but when i look back on it, it's so worth it. anyone got some insight or suggestions or whatever? thanks for letting me vent!