Young. Lonely. Scared.

Im a 15 year old male. I am going to be a sophmore in highschool.

I used to have alot of friends, talked to everyone, and didnt care what anyone else thought about me. As I've grown, something changed. My insecurities finally got ahold of me. I began to distance myself from friends i guess, subconsiously.

Me and my family used to go to this church. (Im not caucasian, but a different race) and this church was primarily of this race. When I was young, I had a really good friend that went to that church. He became my best friend. Slowly our relationship began to fade. When I was asked to his bday party, i lied and told him i couldnt come because i was afraid it would be akward not seeing him and his "new" friends for so long. It was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. I regret that to this day. I didnt understand that I was getting out of akward situations but loosing friends in the process. So at some point i guess he got the impression that we were'nt any friends anymore, which is all my fault. He began to make great friends at the church by playing basketball, etc. While I, who didnt play basketball but soccer, started to distance myself from the church because i didnt really have any friends there. Church began to feel like hell. There is a very large youth group at this church and these kids have known each other from babies. Everyone had someone to be around, everyone had someone to cling to, everyone had someone to talk to. Everyone but me. I would wander around the church desperately trying to look as if I was doing something important when really all I'm doing is killing time until we had to leave, because I had no one to talk to. NOW I wish I would've tried harder to go talk to people even if it is akward. My family began going to another church, which is a Catholic church. There is'nt many people of my race that goes there. But I know of 3 people that go there, I talk to them on rare occasion. We've been going there for about 3 months. I've lost all connection to the other church and those people. I sometimes get a myspace message or sometimes i see someone fromt that church and they wonder where i've been.. it hurts alot to see them.

SCHOOL. I have friends at school. Someone to talk to definately, but i dont know if i have really good friends. I've noticed that I trust the friends that I've known for a long time. I havent really let myself find other ones and form really strong relationships with others. I've clung to the safety rope. But now I'm noticing that these "friends" have made new friends and have sort of forgot about me. Its summer right now, and most highschoolers are having fun with their friends, not me. I'm here alone in this room..and thats how its been for most of summer.

FAMILY. My cousin has really become my only true friend. He's 16. I've known him all my life. I hang out with him whenever possible.


I know its pathetic. I dont want to be this way. I feel disgusted with myself. I NEVER WANTED TO BE THIS WAY. When school starts, I'm determined to do whatever I can to make new friends. It may be akward, I might look stupid, I'll be scared as hell. BUT IM GOING TO DO IT. Nothing I can say can explain the amount of loneliness I have right now.

Im sad, depressed, lonely, scared, disgusted.


im starting to hate myself.

Im starting to think that no one cares

I dont have a BEST FRIEND(S).

I'm starting to think that I'm not worthy of friends.