Everything that is wrong with my life comes down to loneliness.

I have a compuslive disorder.. Whether it's eating, gambling, cleansing, excercising, shopping sprees or driving on unfamiliar highways just to drive and see where I end up.

When I do stick to being and eating healthy, all that good energy and good feeling gets me down pretty fast when I realize it's just me, feeling good by myself..

I crave socialization and don't get it anywhere. Just a good conversation. I jump back and forth from forum to forum on lots of differnet subjects and I'll feel good when someone replies just to agree, feel bad when nobody replies for whatever reason. Eh, internet just isn't the same though.

I tried the blog/live journal type thing to write down things that go on in my head. Eh, I'm not into that type of stuff. I'm good at writing, ranting, and bieng opiniated but eh not for something random like a journal. It's just different and not me.

Even though I am lonely, I really don't want friends. I can get sick of people fast and I don't like doing average typical girl-things like movies, clubs, drinking,looking pretty, etc. I can't even stand going out with my mother because of her makeup+hair ritual and freakout mode if someone sees her with worn off eyeliner.

I never had a father and was pretty sheltered as a kid. I think a lot of it comes from that. I've always had this missing piece of me, like a hole that couldn't get filled since I was like 8. I swear. When I was a kid I never wanted to play with girls, they played stupid games like barbie dolls. I had more fun with remote control trucks. That's where some of it comes from too. You know how it is in grade school - girls have "cooties". So I had no friends in school. And incase anyone is wondering, no I didn't turn out gay. =P



So when I feel lonely, what do I do? Pick one of my cumpulsions and stuff it down with that.

Sure, I can fix the compulsion problem but I can't fix the underlying problem of loneliness. I don't really want too. Maybe I'm afraid of making aquaintances or friends and losing them; I don't know.

There's actually a guy I've really liked for the past 5+ years. It's an internet thing and we get along so great. Eh, I'll pursue it when I'm ready. I know he isn't ready or wanting anything right now either which makes it even easier. He's got his own problems. Love/Relationship/Marriage/everything the average woman dreams about isn't really even what I crave though.







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