Do I deserve to live?

Sorry if this in inappropriate here, but I feel like this would be an ideal place to ask this question… I’ve been wrestling with this question for almost 2 years now and it’s come to the point where I’ve either got to move on or end it all. Basically, I want people’s honest opinions on this: do you think the best and right thing to do is to keep living or for me to kill myself?

My story in short: While I was living in Thailand I met a Thai girl at a bar in the red light district, we danced, talked, bar hopped, played pool, had some food, and finally went back to her place as the sun was coming up. I lay on her bed fully clothed saying how exhausted I was and she said she could stay up another night. She then took off all her clothes except for a thong and crawled onto the bed beside me. We made out and I fingered her for a while, and then I noticed she’d fallen asleep. I shook her lightly, but she didn’t wake up. I felt panicked that I was losing her before we could have sex, so I figured she’d wake up if I started to have sex with her and that way I could still get off. I discretely took her thong off (I think because I thought it was creepy and I didn’t want her to wake up during that, but maybe there’s worse reasons why I was so discrete, I’m not certain) and then put a condom on and started to have sex with her. She didn’t wake up and I was shocked by that. By the time I realized she definitely wasn’t waking up, I’d already been having sex with her for about 10 seconds, so being the drunken selfish piece of shit I was, I figured I may as well finish. I remember feeling afraid that she would wake up and think I was raping her, but that tomorrow I would think I’d been too discrete if I didn’t try to wake her a bit. So, I gave some mild attempts to wake her, but I’m fairly certain she was passed out the entire time. Also, I’m ashamed to say it, but the event did arouse me and I finished shortly after I started. Afterward, I checked the condom and it wasn’t broken, and I had a bad feeling in my stomach, so I left without leaving any contact info and drove back to my apartment in a different city.
I’d had a lot of other issues I was dealing with at the time and I think I just put this on the back burner for the time being, glad that nothing came of it, but ashamed at what had happened. It wasn’t until I’d moved back to Canada much later that I really started to feel more remorse, and immense fear & anxiety at what had really happened and what this meant for me. I flew back to Thailand to try to find her 2 years after it happened, but didn’t know her name, if I could even pick her out of a crowd, if she’d remember me or say anything if she did remember me, or if she even knew at all what happened. All I had to go on was that I knew what apartment building she’d been in at the time and that her mom had a small convenience store in the same city. I knocked on every door in that building several times, asked the owner for records of who’d lived there at that time, but he didn’t have any and I had no name to go by, and then the day before I flew back I slid letters under all the doors (and to a convenience store I thought might be it) in English and Thai vaguely mentioning that night and for them to contact me by email. That was a year ago and no luck. That city is an incredibly transitory place and at this point I do feel like there’s no way I’m going to realistically find her.

I have tried to be brutally honest with myself about the incident now, whereas I think I was trying to shield myself from the truth before. Before I wasn’t sure if it was rape or not, but now I know that it was. Before I made a lot of stupid excuses, but now I just admit it was terrible and I was wrong. I did not have clear consent. I was trying to protect myself by saying I better try to wake her up so I know I tried later too. I did something terrible and tried to convince myself it wasn’t that bad. Excluding this, I wouldn’t say I’ve been a really good or really bad person in my life (maybe a little bit towards the bad end), but I never thought that I would be the guy to ever do something like this and I haven’t been able to love myself since. I sat in a stairwell with a knife last winter contemplating suicide, but I came to the conclusion at that time that it wasn’t the answer. But truly, I don’t know and all I want now is the truth or the closest thing to it. I raped a girl and then basically pushed the thought aside and made excuses and kept on living for two years without doing anything to find her, afraid of the consequences.
Another concern of mine is that I wonder if subconsciously I had already made up my mind that I was going to have sex with her before I started even if she didn’t wake up. I would lean towards thinking that’s probably true, though I don’t think I consciously decided that beforehand. Also, I’d had a night prior to this night where I had slept with a different Thai woman, and then in the morning I thought it would be hot to wake her up by starting to have sex with her, which it was, and she was into it, and it turned out well. So, I think how well that time had gone over might have played a part in me trying it again that other night. Though now, in retrospect I definitely believe that that first time was f***ed up as well. She was into it, but maybe she wouldn’t have been. I should’ve asked first. And now, if I don’t kill myself I’m always going to make sure there is clear consent in the future before engaging in sex. I was an idiot before.
As well, I worry to what degree did I think she’d wake up before i started? I do think I at least probably thought she was going to wake up, but that isn’t as good as basically assuming she would wake up. I’m not certain, but obviously there was some chance she wouldn’t wake up and I was obviously comfortable taking that risk.
Also, I do think that I thought of Thai women in particular as somewhat of sex objects at the time, I do think to some degree I looked down on undeveloped cultures too (though I believe thinking this way is horrible and primitive, just a subconscious thing I have noticed in myself), and though I don’t think I really thought of it as definitely rape as I was doing it, I did know that it was wrong and I think I was aroused by that, among other things.
A dark part of me is aroused by aspects of rape and other sexual perversions and that frighten me, but I know in the future without question that I would NEVER do it again or anything even close to it. I want a healthy sex life and healthy life in general. Rape is one of the worst things you can do to someone and it disgusts me as well. If I am going to live then I feel indebted to live a great life putting lots of good into the world, but I just don’t know if I deserve the opportunity to do that and be happy given everything.
I also suffer from OCD and intrusive thoughts, and have a lot of dark thoughts about sex with young girls, or rape, or racist/hateful/violent thoughts that pop into my head and are unwanted. But, I don’t want to give the impression that I would EVER act on these thoughts because I won’t, or that I believe they’re right in any respect because I don’t. There is darkness in me and I’ve been honest enough with myself to let it come up to the surface, but I know right from wrong and I know these thoughts are wrong. I either want to be a good person or I want to be dead. And to some degree I know these thoughts are a result of me being afraid to think those thoughts, so I think them all the more -an OCD issue. For example, when I used to be obsessed over worrying about HIV I would have thoughts like ‘I want HIV’ pop into my head.
Anyway, I think it’s most likely that that girl did intend to have sex with me and she didn’t really know what happened after, but the thought that she might be suffering from this in any way makes me question if I deserve to live. Also, I worry if something f***ed up happened from it, like she got a cancerous form of HPV from me. I’ve been tested for everything since and been negative for everything, but there’s no test for males for this form of HPV and it isn’t visible, and can transfer even with the use of a condom, and if she isn’t getting regular pap smears then it could develop into cancer. Or what if she somehow had a child despite the use of the condom? Basically, what if I ruined this girls life that night? If there is a chance of that then can I truly deserve to move on and be happy and live a life, and even if there is some darkness in me?
Do you think the best and right thing for me to do is to end my life now or for me to live and try to reach my potential as a person? I want to live and I believe I can live a life to be proud of moving forward, but I don’t want to live a lie. If the answer is truly that I do or don’t deserve a chance to live, either way please tell me truthfully.

Thanks for reading and responding.