Trauma

I'm trying to move on with something in my life but can't figure out how to take steps forward. When I hit high school a close childhood friend of mine went through some rough things including dropping out of school, drug abuse, jail time, foster homes and sexual abuse.
I was in a serious relationship at the time still am five years now and this childhood friend of mine had always had a crush on me and while we talked I didn't feel comfortable being there for him as much as I would have liked too. Things got worse when he was diagnosed with cancer. It was hard because this was years later when our friendship was finally starting to re connect.
I told myself that I needed to know if I really loved him or not, time was running out and if I didn't act now I was going to spend my life asking myself that question. So me and my boyfriend broke up for a couple of months.
Let's be clear here, I am not proud of my choices. I don't like the way I handled this but I didn't feel like I had much else of an option. After getting much closer with my childhood friend I realized how afraid he made me because he didn't love me the way I wanted him too and I knew he was going to break my heart.
I've gone through a lot of sexual trama in my childhood and I need someone in my life who is patient with me and understanding and whenever the issue was brought up all he had to do was compare it to his problems and tell me to stop. At this point I realized what I should've known from the start which is that I love my boyfriend. And that at one point I did love my childhood friends but drugs and abuse had changed him and he was no longer the friend I loved. He isn't the same person anymore his mind is very damaged from the drugs. My struggle is this, at this point I was at a loss for what to do. And I did the only thing I know to do, I ran away. We stopped talking I moved to another state (for other reasons as well such as work). I felt I had to take a stand and do what was right for me, but I just left him.
All I can remember is my dear childhood friend and how much I care for him. But every time we talk I'm reminded of how the drugs have twisted and warped his personality. I cant let myself convince myself that he's the person I remember. But he's dying and he's lonely. Idk what to do. Tweet